Home

DD's classmate showing inappropriate pictures
Previous  1, 2
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Ruchel




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 7:10 am
Report also for this girl's sake!!
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 7:27 am
chestnut wrote:
Why is it a 100% that something must be going on behind this behavior?


I never said specifically what was going on. I have no idea, and I'm not guessing. I just know that this is not normal behavior.

Maybe she's being molested.
Maybe she feels neglected at home, and is attention seeking.
Maybe she's socially awkward, and she thinks she's being "cool".

Whatever reason, she's screaming "Pay attention to me!" in an unhealthy way. I think that's worth looking into, don't you?

Like I said, she's a 13 year old girl, not a 17 year old bochur who is goofing around with his buddies. (and the bochur is wrong, too)

ETA: OP is not a social worker, as far as I know. It's not her job to fix the other girl. Still, if everyone stands back and waits for someone else to deal with it, then nothing will be done. Then we'll all scratch our heads and wonder how this girl slipped through the cracks, when signs were there.

This is called "the bystander effect". If one person witnesses a car crash, the will run to help the victims. If 100 people witness the crash, they'll gawk and wait for an ambulance to come. Most of them will be filming it on their cameras, but no one will step forward to see if they can offer any help.

When you are a bystander, you are part of the problem. That is why we have mandatory reporter laws, because if you don't make it mandatory, nobody will want to "muddle in".
Back to top

zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 7:50 am
I’m curious, OP—what is the difference between untzniusdik and “inappropriate”? To me, “inappropriate” is wearing a frivolous hat to a funeral. Photos of people in their birthday suits engaged in potentially reproductive activities are something that rhymes with “phonographic,” not “inappropriate”. Let’s not be mealymouthed.

Your dd classmate is trouble and she’s trying to get your dd into trouble. I can’t believe you’re more concerned about this snowflake’s feelings than your dd well-being. You should be telling her mother first and then the school. Would you be equally “considerate” if the dear child were offering your dd cigarettes, pot, alcohol or oxycodone? I’ll bet you’d be raising Caine if she were offering your dd something from McDonald’s.
Back to top

amother




cornflower
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 2:24 pm
zaq wrote:
I’m curious, OP—what is the difference between untzniusdik and “inappropriate”?

A legit question

zaq wrote:
To me, “inappropriate” is wearing a frivolous hat to a funeral. Photos of people in their birthday suits engaged in potentially reproductive activities are something that rhymes with “phonographic,” not “inappropriate”. Let’s not be mealymouthed.

Was it necessary to name call? Can't we keep it polite?


zaq wrote:
I can’t believe you’re more concerned about this snowflake’s feelings than your dd well-being. You should be telling her mother first and then the school. Would you be equally “considerate” if the dear child were offering your dd cigarettes, pot, alcohol or oxycodone? I’ll bet you’d be raising Caine if she were offering your dd something from McDonald’s.

How do pictures of people in untzius clothing, which everyone is subjected to if they shop in the average grocery store, compare in any way to cigarettes, pot, alcohol, oxycodone or treif food?

The other girl is not a snowflake, she is a nebach. The girl either has no social awareness or, like FF said, is in some kind of trouble and calling out for attention in an unhealthy way.
Back to top

Merrymom




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:00 pm
Different people have different ideas of what inappropriate means. So for you this could be a girl in a short skirt while other people are certain you mean someone making out together. It's a huge difference. So if this is typical teenage behavior for your community (and I would not make assumptions because we're a different generation, ask your daughter instead), I would feel very differently. If your standards are stricter than most of the girls in her class then you should be asking yourself if your daughter is in the right school. If this isn't the case and these pictures would be considered inappropriate by most people, then this is a different story. Ask your daughter what she would do, if this was her daughter. You can't look the other way, so either she'll have to deal with it or you'll need to. Of course, if you do this against your daughter's wishes, this is likely the last time she'll confide in you.
Back to top

little neshamala




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:04 pm
I agree that it really makes a differece re what exactly the inappropriate pictures were. Even if your community disapproves of pop culture for example, showing pictures of the latest teen pop star and his latest song lyrics are a far cry from p-rnographic content or the like.
One you absolutely must report, the other is simply a sticky situation.

ETA either way support your daughter. Not saying to ignore it-just be careful how big of a deal you make the situation.
Back to top

zaftigmom




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:45 pm
Please talk to the school. You're not trying to get this girl in trouble but she clearly needs help that she isn't getting from home.
Back to top

amother




Slateblue
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:10 pm
Is it possible that everyone is jumping to conclusion? sixth graders are really young and exactly the age that I would expect this kind of thing from. My sixth grade class in a super yeshivish in town beis yaakov talks/thinks about these kind of things all day. When I was in sixth grade my friends and I drew all our teachers in their underwear during class. TMI we got caught, and the principal called our parents and the whole thing was blown up. This was not s-xual activity on our part, I wasn't molested thank g-d, was completely innocent and I was in SIXTH GRADE. I think it is super normal for pre-teens to be fascinated with un tznius pictures and come out just fine. Their bodies are changing, they are more aware, and are super curious. I am a mechaneches and teacher right now, and assure you that I am healthy, boruch hashem.
Back to top

amother




Slateblue
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:18 pm
I just re-read the post, and realized op's daughter might be in 7th. Well, that's also the perfect age for this kind of scenario to unfold...

I'm not saying your daughter should be subjected to these pictures. But does the other child need to be labled as a "problem", forced to speak to the guidance counselor, or undergo a professional evaluation simply for this kind of "middle school behavior"? I am sure there is another way to deal with it, like calling the parent or dd speaking to the child with the message that the school WILL be informed if she doesn't stop.

Sometimes I feel that it is such a fine line that school principals/teachers have to walk. It's so easy to be too reactive. It's also so easy to chas vshalom leave a real issue unaddressed.
I am talking from years of teaching experience, personal experience, and experience with my own children. We have to let them be kids.

And of course, I am not talking about cases of abuse, which do exist and we must openly talk about this issue and deal with it!
Back to top

Ihatepotatoes




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:29 pm
I agree with 99% of what people are saying here, except that I think it's important for your daughter to be the one to "Lay down the law/ground-rules". She has to be the one taking the initiative for a few reasons. 1) If you talk to her, it might backfire on your daughter's social standing, I.e. the other girl and friends making fun of her and claiming that she's Mommy's baby, and needs you to do everything for her. 2) It will make things more awkward for everyone. Your daughter telling her clearly "I'd like to chill and hang out with you, but I really dislike these pictures you show me. They make me feel bad inside, and very uncomfortable. Please stop, because I appreciate our relationship too much for it to be ruined because of this" will go over much better than you telling her off. In one scenario, the situation might stop right there, while in the other, there will always be the cloud hanging over your relationship with your neighbor/her daughter.
Back to top

little neshamala




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:50 pm
amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:


I'm not saying your daughter should be subjected to these pictures. But does the other child need to be labled as a "problem", forced to speak to the guidance counselor, or undergo a professional evaluation simply for this kind of "middle school behavior"? I am sure there is another way to deal with it, like calling the parent or dd speaking to the child with the message that the school WILL be informed if she doesn't stop.

Sometimes I feel that it is such a fine line that school principals/teachers have to walk. It's so easy to be too reactive. It's also so easy to chas vshalom leave a real issue unaddressed.
I am talking from years of teaching experience, personal experience, and experience with my own children. We have to let them be kids.

And of course, I am not talking about cases of abuse, which do exist and we must openly talk about this issue and deal with it!


This is exactly why I posted my earlier post, asking for clarification about exactly what type of pictures they are.
When I was 13, in a yeshivish school, my good friend started getting into movie stars and non Jewish music, something the school did not at all condone. A girl tattled on her to the school administration for bringing in a (harmless by secular standards) pre-teen magazine about the latest teen music stars.
Definitely not in line with a yeshivish school, but also not naked p-rn like pictures.

Well the school did not handle it well. She was immediately classified as a HUGE threat, was suspended, and was made to talk twice weekly with the school counselor when she came back, among other things. Instead of calmly talking to her about not bringing secular things like this to school, they made her into a problem case, an issue....

My friend is not frum anymore. Im still in touch with her, and despite the fact that we are in our 30s, she still brings up what happened frequently, as though it had just happened. I was talking to her on the phone recently actually, and it was heartbreaking to hear. She said that she wants to come back, and hopefully one day she will, she believes in Hashem, but its too painful to come back to the frum community that put her through such pain in 8th grade. She cried that she was perfectly "normal" before that episode, but the embarrassment she went through, being made to speak to mental health professionals and treated as though she had serious issues when she truly didnt, that was what made her start going off, and truly start getting into trouble. "I didnt understand what they wanted from me. Why couldnt they just warn me not to bring that to school again?? Why did they have to make me into such a big problem case? I was in such pain from the embarassment, and it wasnt warranted..."

In other words, they overreacted.

The pain my friend went through, and is still going through, is what is making me caution how much of a deal you make this (what exactly are we dealing with?) into.
Back to top

chestnut




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 11:57 pm
groisamomma wrote:
What difference does it make? Her DD is uncomfortable with whatever it is, and she should be the one to decide what she wants to see, not us. It's harassment and needs to stop. I agree with posters saying you should speak to the girl directly. If that doesn't work, go to the principal. Your DD comes first.

For me, it would make a big difference. As others pointed out, bais yakov girls this age are known to be curious and sharing some pretty innocent by secular norms things. It would be a shame to involve the school, which usually overreact and nothing good ever comes out of it. Also, I'd encourage my daughter to talk to her friend herself, telling her very clearly that she isn't comfortable with those pics and is not interested in seeing them.
If the images are more serious, then I'd talk to the girl myself, telling her if it happens again, I'll talk to her parents and school.
Back to top
Previous  1, 2 Recent Topics

Page 2 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Son receiving inappropriate text
by amother
31 Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:04 am View last post
Showing more than a tefach of hair
by amother
93 Thu, Feb 06 2020, 11:49 pm View last post
Best places online to develop pictures ?
by ny21
3 Thu, Feb 06 2020, 2:49 pm View last post
by ny21
Rabbi Goldwasser on showing honor to our govt. leaders
by Cheiny
11 Tue, Jan 21 2020, 6:06 pm View last post
No pictures please !
by amother
49 Tue, Dec 17 2019, 4:43 pm View last post

Jump to: