Feel pressured not having guests and guilty

amother

Wed, Nov 20 2019, 9:09 pm

Hi! I think I am posting this to vent/ hear other people's perspectives...

I've been married three years and bh things are overall going well. I also have two young kids bh. I've always had some social anxiety. It isn't to the point where I can't go to social events, but I'm always hesitant about it, and usually shy away from them. I have some close friends, and know how to be social/not awkward/very friendly in a social situation when I need to. No one would even know I had social anxiety (I think..).

That being said, I always feel guilty that I'm not the person who has guests every shabbat/ open home. I always envisioned myself marrying someone that was extraverted to push me to do this, but I married an introvert who is similar to me in this way lol.

Everytime I think about having guests, even if it's a close friend, I get anxiety, first and formost about the cooking. I've been told I cook very well, but I compare myself to this friend I have who always makes different/interesting foods, and sometimes I make new things but I usually go to ones that work for me...It's just more pressure I feel.

Next, I'm happy after I have guests when I decide to have guests, but it's takes a lot out of me emotionally before... I get so nervous and want to make sure everything is perfect...After I have guests, I realize socializing is good for me... and it's beneficial. I work full time and text/talk to friends and hang out with them sometimes, but im mostly doing my own thing.

Next, I have a single divorced woman who lives in my apt building who used to always go to this other married family for meals on shabbat. The married woman moved away, and I feel bad I'm not doing the same thing as her and inviting the single divorced woman all the time. This woman is very social, family in the neighborhood, and definitely has places to go to, but I feel bad not inviting her more often.... We are friendly and I tell her so sorry haven't had you in a while and she laughs about it like it's nothing and it could be it's all in my head...
I wish I could be her second kind of home thing.

My husband bh doesn't pressure me either way to have guests or not so that's positive.
I just wish I was at peace with all this Sad

thoughts?

thanks!

zaq

Wed, Nov 20 2019, 9:22 pm

You do you. Some people were born to entertain, some were not. Some were born to host big parties and some to host one or two guests at a time.

You’ll never be happy comparing yourself to others, so stop.

Sweet of you to want to be your divorced neighbor’s second home, but from the way you describe it, she doesn’t need you. She’s not exactly an orphan child looking for a foster home. She may have eaten with this other family so often because they are bffs, not because they had rachmones on this nebach case, you know? IMHO it would be bizarre if you suddenly started inviting her all the time. Sure, invite her now and then because you like her and enjoy her company but don’t make her your chessed project. If you must have one, look for someone truly alone, maybe an elderly widow/er with no family nearby or a student from OOT who doesn’t have a lot of local friends.

Maybe your “thing” isn’t hosting. Maybe you’re more the Meals for Moms type. Or the shopping for a home bound neighbor type. Or the tutoring a struggling student type. There are lots of ways to be a baalat chessed besides being a hostess with the mostess.

causemommysaid

Wed, Nov 20 2019, 9:27 pm

If you are not the type to host often then that's OK. Accept yourself and try to make peace with your nature. Not everyone can have the same strengths.

Personally, I don't think you should say you are sorry for not hosting the woman in your building if you have no intention to change that. All it does is appease your feelings and forces her to be socially acceptable and tell you its OK. That's not fair. If hosting meals is not something you can do for her but you want to help out and be her friend, then find some other way to show it. Offer to pick up some groceries when you are going to the store, invite her kids over to play, invite her over to hang out shabbos afternoon or after candlelighting etc.

amother

Beige

Wed, Nov 20 2019, 11:47 pm

I think it's important to look at entertaining and doing the mitzva of hachnasas orchim as 2 different things!
Entertaining is inviting the couple from down the block because they're really friendly and uou would enjoy it.
Hosting ppl that could use company (like an older lady that lives by herself for example) is a different story. And for that, it's worth pushing our limit a little bit more out of our comfort zone, lower our standard to make it happen(using paper goods instead of real dishes, not making elaborate meals...)

tichellady

Wed, Nov 20 2019, 11:52 pm

It sounds to me like you want to host more but maybe I’m not understanding correctly. If you want to host more maybe make a goal of how often you would like to host and come up with strategies to make it not to stressful- for example a set menu of what you make, inviting friends for Seudah shlishit or dessert instead of a full meal, hosting a potluck etc

I relate to a lot of what you are saying but I do host pretty often because I do enjoy it once it is happening and I like pushing myself and not letting my social anxiety take over my life. Obviously there needs to be a balance between those two things and it looks to me like you are trying to find it

amother

Natural

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 12:11 am

I totally cannot handle the pressure of having guests.
However, there are times I have to have people for shabbos and it’s very hard on me.
I only have guests when someone asks and seems to really need a place.
I don’t invite people on my own.
I have people who need somewhere to be but not simply to socialize.
You’re still so young and newly married. You will see how things will be in 10-20 years from now but for now.. no pressure! Working, having little kids, cooking for your husband is keeping you busy enough! It’s not like you’re sitting home, twiddling your thumbs and wondering what to do..

Chayalle

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:27 am

I don't think anyone has to live up to anyone else's standards regarding having guests, etc...You do what works for you and your DH. Having an open house is not for everyone.

However, it sounds like your social anxiety bothers you. Why should you live with that for the rest of your life? There is help out there, and a competent professional could help you overcome it.

I know someone who worked thru a program with a therapist who had her get over that step by step - like one week she had to call someone on the phone that she normally wouldn't, or go into a store and fend for herself, or invite someone over and initiate a friendship....there are social-skills that you can acquire that will make you feel more confident.

It doesn't have to translate into having tons of guests if that doesn't work for you, but it would help you not feel nervous for the occasions when you do have guests.