How to be an introvert and a mom

amother

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 6:47 am

As a kid I hated the school lunchroom with all the noise and mess and people wanting to talk to me. Now my house feels like that all the time. It was hard when my kids were little and home most of the day. But now that they’re school age it’s even harder! I’m a SAHM and I spend most of my day quietly doing chores running errands and mentally preparing for them to come home and and bring the chaos with them. It’s all normal family chaos but it’s so overwhelming for me. Noise is a huge trigger for me and the sound of a fork falling off the table a toy being dropped down the stairs or hearing yakov shweky on the nucleus kills me. All the questions and stories they have to share and things they need from me all at once...
I find as many opportunities as I can to step
Away and disengage and as soon as my relaxed and doting husband comes home I find an excuse to put away laundry upstairs or iron in the laundry room. Or do anything to be away from family life. I know I’m letting them down. I know they deserve more. I just do t know how to Do it

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:27 am

I am similar and need to be alone to process things so you're not going to get any bashing from me.

If you want to go the expensive route, I'm sure you are aware that OT can address the sensory issues you've described. My son's OT is going to try some computer program that helps kids handle loud noises in preparation for him starting school next year (big class, big bus, big playground!), but hasn't started yet so I don't know the name of the program or if it works.

But otherwise, as long as you smile and love them, they will be OK. They will know that is your quirk and probably tease you as you get older! But as long as you don't respond with anger or anything negatively, they really will be fine. You sound like you are giving what you can, and are self aware enough that you find your escape without hurting anyone. Its OK to be you. They have you when you can be there, and they have their dad as well. Its OK!

Ruchel

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:42 am

My mom is introvert and not social (except close family and a couple friends). But in her times you did what you could, how you could, and actually she found she didn't mind much of the kid stuff and had her best (though hardest) years home.

The noise, you don't have to stay in the room for it. I don't stay during the noise because this means migraine. Now, if physically you are fine, try to devote a time to being there, during that time the kids do an effort and don't do __________ (for me it's the kiddy toys that make noise). It's ok to not always being there. It's not ok to never be there. I do agree that if one thing falling is unbearable you need to ask a professional.

jewishmom6

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:46 am

Just saying this does not sounds like an introvert, more like a sensory thing... I am an introvert and love noise...
its the kvetchy kids that get to me but nothing to do with being an introvert.

honeymoon

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 9:57 am

Your post could have been mine. I'm with you. I love my kids so much that it kills me that I sometimes can't handle the chatter and normal, healthy kids' noise. My kids are very active and talkative and it takes enormous focus and mental energy to be present when they are around. I try really hard to block my own limitations from interfering with the relationship I want to have with my children. It's hard, yet doable.

I found that after a good nights sleep it's way better and caffeine also helps. Once the kids are in bed I sit down and just revel in the QUIET. No music, phones, wash machines etc. just me and my thoughts.

I recommend explaining to your kids that the difficult moments are because you have an issue with the noise, and it is not because they are annoying. No kid wants to feel like their mom doesn't want to listen to them.

amother

Wheat

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:06 am

Lost my post but was going to say better to be scarce but present than available but not there. Dh uses eaebuds all day I hate it. Better to leave than be in your head or in earplugs.

Also maybe

Quote:

Misophonia is a disorder in which certain sounds trigger emotional or physiological responses that some might perceive as unreasonable given the circumstance. Those who have misophonia might describe it as when a sound “drives you crazy.”

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:21 am

hang in there, you are not alone. it gets better. Play to your strengths. Remind your kids to use inside voices, step away for a bit if safe to do so. My kids each enjoy DMC's with me, I have patience and insight that they enjoy. As they get older they appreciate that more and need me less for hands on parenting. oh yeah, and I "only" have 4 kids - that's a full plate for me.

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:30 am

Me too! I managed for awhile, and then it turns out that one of my kids is the loud, boisterous active type who always wants and needs people around. And she got very upset that I was doing all the other kids' favorite activities with them but not hers. I couldn't just say, "It doesn't work for me." She needs music playing and needs me near her, so I have to deal with the music. She needs to run around and dance, and needs me to do it with her.

I think the introvert thing, vs sensory, is about how you restore. I love my kids, but whole being wacky with them is important and satisfying, it does not restore me. I meed to get away from it all more often. And when I duck down to the basement to fold some laundry for some quiet and solitude, my quieter daughter comes and follows to have some one to one time with Ima. And I hive it to her, because she needs it and it's the only time available, but I don't get what I need.

Rubber Ducky

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:37 am

See whether your insurance will cover an OT. Noise driving you nuts is definitely a sensory issue. I hate malls — can't stand the obnoxious music. But I can stay away from malls; it's harder to avoid your kids!

Do your children come home all at once or one at a time? As a practical matter, are you OK with your kids one-on-one? Perhaps you could get a mother's helper to deal with the chaos while you spend time with each child individually in another room like a home office or study that has some good sound insulation or white noise.

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:55 am

Wow, literally just yesterday my daughter and I had a big talk about how she loves to be around people constantly and always wants to talk whereas I get exhausted by it.

She wanted to know why I like having quiet time. I told her that Hashem just makes different people to prefer different things. I THINK she is starting to understand.

Bezras Hashem we should all have menuchas hanefesh in parenting.

zaq

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 5:17 pm

Please see an audiologist. You sound like a person with hyperacusis , “a highly debilitating hearing disorder characterized by an increased sensitivity to certain frequencies and volume ranges of sound (a collapsed tolerance to usual environmental sound). “ It is treatable.

amother

White

Thu, Nov 21 2019, 5:52 pm

Op, I am seriously reading this upstairs in my room while my kids are acting hyper and loud...
I guess you’re not the only one who disappears from the noise .. not such a bad system .. I’ll be back with everyone again soon

amother

Cyan

Fri, Nov 22 2019, 5:00 am

This post is so validating for me. I thought I was the only one!
My kids can be really loud/noisy/ shouty and in a small house it can sometimes feel like too much and I feel the need to escape.
I’ll go upstairs and either chill on my phone or get busy with laundry or anything else. Afterwards when I come back down I always feel guilty for not being present when I should’ve been.
Recently it’s gotten a bit easier since they are getting older but still feels too overwhelming sometimes and need just A few minutes of quiet during the supper, bath, bed routine

Aylat

Fri, Nov 22 2019, 5:32 am

Heh, it might make you feel better to hear a conversation I had with 14yo DD.

Me: I might go swimming tonight...
DD: Can I come with you?
Me: (hesitating, because I hadn't finished my sentence and the continuation was going to be: "if Daddy gets back on time to look after the baby.")
DD, seeing my hesitation and mis-attributing it: I promise I won't talk at all, I'll bring a book to read in the car! And I won't interrupt while you're swimming laps, just 5 minutes at the end together.
Me: (facepalm. Am I really that bad? She knows me too well.)

And she does. She knows that swimming is my quiet time, she knows that I don't always like to talk. She doesn't 'get' it because she's an extrovert, but she accepts that's how I feel. I chat with her, listen to her tell about her day. And it also gets to a point in the evening where I say, I'm sitting reading in my bed now, goodnight. Or, you can sit with me quietly - you read and I'll read, but no chatting just now.

amother

Slateblue

Fri, Nov 22 2019, 7:42 am

[quote="amother [ Wheat ]"]Lost my post but was going to say better to be scarce but present than available but not there. Dh uses eaebuds all day I hate it. Better to leave than be in your head or in earplugs.

Me too. He doesn't get how insulting it is. And isolating.