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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Put your money where your mouth is



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:39 am
I have a parent who constantly dangles financial offers in front of me and then never comes through, or comes through at the last minute once the money is no longer as useful.

IE before yom tov they will say, "we will give you $, I will let you know how much."
That would be nice, when I'm shopping for kids' clothing, food...
Then they wait and wait and give it to me on erev yom tov when it's too late to buy anything extra anymore.

Or I mention I'm going to buy xxx appliance, and the parent says, "oh, I will pay for that."
But never follows up.
I don't feel right bringing it up again, so I'm just going to save up to afford this appliance, but I'm upset that the "offer" was dangled in front of me- it's a huge tease!
Emotionally I'd much rather not be offered this stuff and feel independent, on my own, than be offered and not given or given at the last minute.

I know the solution is to just ignore all offers and assume they won't be given until (if) I am pleasantly surprised but it's easier said than done! When the offer is made, I naturally get hopeful...

Please don't call me entitled. I am NOT complaining about not being given the $, I AM complaining about being offered a fake offer.
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:50 am
Same-ish.
My mom does that too. She usually does give, and occasionally forgets. She never means to not give. She may take months to give the money which she offered. She will often say why didn't you remind me, I would have given it to you sooner. But I never will. B"H, I may be in a different financial position than you are, as I still can afford these things, especially when I know that I will be reimbursed for them eventually. I, thank G-d, do not live hand to mouth. Realize it is coming from a place of her desiring to give (unless you feel that it is a narcissistic need to be generous and she doesn't really want to be, it is all for show). I always look at it as she doesn't owe it to me, and if she wants to buy me a fridge for example, if she doesn't give me the money for six months, she does then and it goes back into my account. On occasion, has she had me purchase expensive gifts for my children, and never really reimbursed to me. ( For example UGGs that my daughter wanted that I never would have purchased, which was a gift from grandma two years ago, which I have still paid for ). Thank G-d I can still eat so be it.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:51 am
I don't think there's anything wrong with following up on the offer, though I understand how it can feel awkward. In the example with buying an appliance, you could call up and say something like 'hey no pressure but did you mean it when you said you would pay for a new washing machine? I have to order it today and if not I'm just going to use my credit card' and see what they say.

With the erev yt situation, I understand how that can be annoying but if they give you the money in the end anyway, maybe use it to cover bills, or put it away for the NEXT yt when you'll be in the same position of needing food and new clothes for the kids.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 10:55 am
groovy1224 wrote:
I don't think there's anything wrong with following up on the offer, though I understand how it can feel awkward. In the example with buying an appliance, you could call up and say something like 'hey no pressure but did you mean it when you said you would pay for a new washing machine? I have to order it today and if not I'm just going to use my credit card' and see what they say.

With the erev yt situation, I understand how that can be annoying but if they give you the money in the end anyway, maybe use it to cover bills, or put it away for the NEXT yt when you'll be in the same position of needing food and new clothes for the kids.


The yom tov idea, saving for next yom tov, is excellent.

I would never call them up- I don't want to put pressure on them.
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naturalmom5




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 11:03 am
OP... if it is your parent, who you hopefully have a good relationship with, why don't you just tell them the same you told us in a nice way...
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 11:04 am
naturalmom5 wrote:
OP... if it is your parent, who you hopefully have a good relationship with, why don't you just tell them the same you told us in a nice way...


Because they are not well off. Growin up they were poor. I think their situation may have improved somewhat but I don't know the specifics. And I would never want to cause stress on them in any way. If I mention it and they really can't come through, they will feel very bad.
It's one parent that makes the offers without necessarily consulting with the other parent.
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 11:11 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Because they are not well off. Growin up they were poor. I think their situation may have improved somewhat but I don't know the specifics. And I would never want to cause stress on them in any way. If I mention it and they really can't come through, they will feel very bad.
It's one parent that makes the offers without necessarily consulting with the other parent.


So don't expect it anymore.
If they offer say thanks I'm fine though. Thanks anyway.

Or you can say: thanks that's so generous of you. I really need it by the end of the week though. Can you do that? Otherwise it doesn't really help anymore.

You can't not do anything and then complain.
Besides, money on erev Yom tov still helps you... After Yom tov for something else.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 11:15 am
amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:
So don't expect it anymore.
If they offer say thanks I'm fine though. Thanks anyway.

Or you can say: thanks that's so generous of you. I really need it by the end of the week though. Can you do that? Otherwise it doesn't really help anymore.

You can't not do anything and then complain.
Besides, money on erev Yom tov still helps you... After Yom tov for something else.


I sure can complain. I am complaining here, not to them. I am complaining because it's a tease (especially when they don't end up paying for something they said they would pay for.)

I am not comfortable saying I need it by the end of the week- that would pressure them.

If they would just not make the offers, I would be happier.
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 11:16 am
Your vent makes sense. It's really upsetting to count on something that goes up in a puff of smoke.
I would suggest that you don't take her offers seriously. She would love to give probably but she can't. Or she thought she'd be able to and it didn't pan out.
When she offers you can just say, thank you so much. It's very appreciated. I wouldn't follow up and I wouldn't be disappointed because I wasn't counting on it anyway.
You may be pleasantly surprised next time.
Lot's of hatzlocha and brocha!
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amother
Azure


 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 11:52 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Because they are not well off. Growin up they were poor. I think their situation may have improved somewhat but I don't know the specifics. And I would never want to cause stress on them in any way. If I mention it and they really can't come through, they will feel very bad.
It's one parent that makes the offers without necessarily consulting with the other parent.

I have a family member like this. They love to offer to pay for things but they never follow through and I don't think they can afford it. What works for me is to remind myself that I'm doing them a chessed by not taking their money.
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amother
Red


 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 11:52 am
Omg my in laws are like this! They are wonderful people but do not follow through/"forget" often (even when they do have the money). I realized this pretty soon after our marriage, when money for things they told us they would help out with never materialized. (Just put the flights on your CC - we'll pay you back and then nothing). It can be extremely irritating, but I realized not to rely on anything anymore. (If we cannot afford the flights, we won't lay out money etc.) They really do mean well through. They are so nice.

My parents are exactly the opposite - very responsible about keeping their word - and the funny part is that they don't have any money!
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amother
Purple


 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 1:05 pm
OMG I thought it was only my family that did this!!! In-laws will offer things say “go buy yourself whatever we want to treat you, well pay for it” and then nothing. I learned pretty quickly early in in our marriage not to trust these offers. I think mil gets disappointed when she sees I never follow through. (In-laws bh can well afford whatever it is they’re offering money is not an issue)
When ever they do this I just smile and say thank you for thinking of me and disregard the offer internally. It’s hard to detach emotionally but at least I don’t waste my money. What’s super problematic is when they promise things to my kids and then my kids keep pestering me about it. Once Dh insisted on buying the extravagant item ourselves. I was furious since I’m always so careful with money I felt it was so wasteful. Since then I just don’t tell him when they promise our kids stuff. I just honestly tell my kids in-laws never sent the money, they’re busy, they prob forgot so sorry your disappointed. No I won’t call them and ask for it. The end. It’s unfortunate but my kids are starting to take what they say with a grain of sat.

After a few years of this I did notice they stopped offers/promises. I guess they see I just don’t bother with the hassle of buying something and then asking them for the money. It’s so undignified I’d rather go without.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 1:11 pm
My father does this. He makes offers to buy things for us and never follows through. When we bought our house, he asked what I would like for a housewarming gift. I told him we would love a porch swing, Walmart has one I like for $150. He happily agreed and... nothing. This is just one example. The thing with him is, he really thinks he bought the item and gets mad when he is not thanked. He also imagines he pays for things that he never offered to pay for, like car repairs. For all of these things, he tells family members that he paid and we never thanked him... And if I do remind him, he gets very mad.

I should mention, my dad has major issues and I have put up serious boundaries, so it is annoying but I know that the family knows him as well. I just never ask him for anything and if he offers, I never think it will really come, so no expectations.
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 1:16 pm
amother [ Purple ] wrote:
I just honestly tell my kids in-laws never sent the money, they’re busy, they prob forgot so sorry your disappointed. No I won’t call them and ask for it. The end. It’s unfortunate but my kids are starting to take what they say with a grain of sat.

This
Depending who it is, if a child is really disappointed, I would let them call the phantom gifter and ask about it. It puts the ball in the phantoms court and then they can deal with it themselves.
And the children learn fast who keeps their word and who doesn't. Part of the real world.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 2:57 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Because they are not well off. Growin up they were poor. I think their situation may have improved somewhat but I don't know the specifics. And I would never want to cause stress on them in any way. If I mention it and they really can't come through, they will feel very bad.
It's one parent that makes the offers without necessarily consulting with the other parent.

Omg are you my sister LOL? My parent offered me a gift which I could not afford so I had to remind them in a btw manner, it was just so awkward never asked them again
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amother
Oak


 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 3:22 pm
Absolutely!!

All my shaitels had indian hair when the whole indian hair issue came up. I had to get a new one which was offered to be paid for. I knew from experience how things work, so I only bought what I could afford (a much lesser quality shaitel).

Was offered a loan for down payment which only came after we closed on the house.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 21 2019, 4:48 pm
How awful. Everyone forgets now and then but if this is a pattern there’s something going on. They want to feel like gevirim but they don’t really want to part with the dough. It’s no different from folks who say “You must come to us for Shabbos” but never set a date and time. They get to feel virtuous for free.

Since these are your parents, who are presumably at least 40 years old, you’re not going to change them. With help, they could change if they wanted to but evidently they don’t want to. So you have two options: grow a mouth and remind them repeatedly that they promised you thus-and-so until they give it to you to get you off their backs, or change your outlook. Acknowledge that your parents’ motto is neither “emor me’at vaaseh harbeh” nor “im lo achshav eimatai” and treat all promises as meaningless social formulas, uttered solely for the sake of politeness.

And then when and if your parents do follow through, enjoy the pleasant surprise and your thanks will be genuine, not tinged (understandably) with “moichel toives.”
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