Thank you emails/texts after shabbos meals

amother

Sun, Nov 24 2019, 10:13 am

In your circles, do people generally send thank you texts or emails on Sun/Mon after being invited to a shabbos meal? (Even very short and informal ones "Great seeing you yesterday; thanks for inviting us!") We rarely receive them when we host, and rarely send them when we eat out.

It seems there's no expectation to do so in our circles, and it's seen as an unnecessary pleasantry. It's funny bc we're BTs and I sent them when we first started attending frum shabbos meals. And the times when we've hosted non-frum friends, they generally send a TY text. I guess it's a big deal to a new BT or non-frum person to be invited to an elaborate meal, and frum people are just used to it.

I have mixed feelings about the TY notes. On one hand, if someone spent a week preparing a meal for you, it's a nice gesture that you thought about the host a couple days later and bothered to take 30 seconds out of your day to send a quick TY text. On the other hand, a very polite thank you at the end of the meal could be sufficient and that expectation that you're supposed to send a TY text on Sun/Mon is somewhat insincere and formalistic.

What does everyone think?

chocolatecake

Sun, Nov 24 2019, 10:17 am

I just say thank you at the end of the meal and generally my company does the same. However if I have contact that person motzai shabbos or Sunday I’ll preface the text by thanks for having us yesterday....

zaq

Sun, Nov 24 2019, 12:01 pm

I used to right through HS and college. Occasionally I still do, mostly by email, but not if it’s someone we go to often. I definitely send a TY note by mail to strangers who put us up for a Shabbos so we can attend a simcha or visit family.

You will never do wrong by sending a TY even if it’s not considered “necessary.” The hostess gift is not a substitute for a thank you.

dankbar

Sun, Nov 24 2019, 12:09 pm

It depends on a personality, I will always receive a TY text later, from one of my relatives, when I host them. I think she is very thoughtful & nice & learned to do the same. She will also always bring along a gift, or something like chocos....or a homemade dish etc..

Others I didn't hear from them right after the fact, when I did something out of the ordinary or went out of my way for them, maybe only a while later, but when there is no thank you, gift, token of appreciation, note....you just feel used. Not that I do favors for others, for the thank you.

They were major things I did for those relatives & nothing...

asmileaday

Sun, Nov 24 2019, 12:13 pm

I don't. We usually bring a bottle of wine or the likes and profusely thank at the end of the meal. Why would it be necessary to send a text as well?
We host or eat out frequently and are very chilled about it. I don't spend a week preparing for a shabbos meal. That's why hosting shabbos vs yomtov is so much easier for me. Zero planning. I make my regular food like I do every week. I just need to add a few more slices of fish.
Are people expecting me to text a thank you after shabbos? I didn't think so. I certainly don't expect it from them.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Nov 24 2019, 1:38 pm

Yes, I text a thank you. It takes just a few seconds. Cooking can take hours. It's such an easy way to make someone feel good, so why not?

I don't text my siblings if I eat at their houses, but that's because the arrangements are a lot less formal.

asmileaday

Sun, Nov 24 2019, 1:40 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

Because we thank them again and again before we leave. Why is a text a day later necessary?
Maybe my hostings and eating outs aren't too formal. I should poll my friends next time and ask if they expect it...

amother

Lilac

Sun, Nov 24 2019, 2:11 pm

asmileaday wrote:

A text the next day isn't necessary. I have no idea if people expect a text or not. I do think it makes them feel good to know that even the next day, we're thinking of what a nice time we had. If that doesn't work for you, don't do it.

Cheiny

Sun, Nov 24 2019, 7:12 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No, I think it’s sufficient to bring a gift to the meal, and say thank you and show gratitude before leaving.

avrahamama

Sun, Nov 24 2019, 8:10 pm

I try my best to remember to text, I don't always remember. But I make sure to let them know how nice it was to spend a meal with them before by having something sent before Shabbat and after by expressing thanks when I leave.