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Asking people to put us guests mid week
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OOTforlife




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 11:36 am
ShishKabob wrote:
So all you have to do is send a text to a certain amount of people. If you don't get a response or you get negative responses, you can tell your guests that you tried putting them up but you weren't successful. They can then decide if they want to go to a hotel or drive that same day. Don't make it 'your' issue. You do what you can and that's that.
Bhatzlcha

I think the group text is a great idea. That way you're not putting any one person on the spot. The bigger the group, the better. I wouldn't feel pressured at all if I saw a request like that on a large listserv or WhatsApp group, but I could still volunteer if I wanted.
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amother
Teal


 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 12:24 pm
We have close relatives in Toronto and whenever we go for a simcha we get put up by their friends for multiple nights without a question. We're good guests and try to impose as little as possible but we still greatly appreciate the hachnasas orchim.

There's a big difference in being across the street or around the corner from the baalei simcha with the ability to just walk over and being near shuls and other Jewish conveniences rather than staying in a hotel for weeknights and having to pack everything up again and move into someone's home just for Shabbos and then pack up again and move back to the hotel, especially if you're traveling with children whose schedules have already been majorly disrupted.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 12:39 pm
I had a close relative ask for this favor too when we made a simcha this summer. I thought it was very socially off! You're asking a family to give up their privacy during the week when things are hectic, for no good reason. It's different when it's Shabbos and people can't drive. I told the family member that I don't know anyone who's able to host during the week since the people I know have families and it's busy by them what with homework, carpools, and working late. I asked my SIL to help this person find an AirBNB, which is where they stayed since they didn't want to "waste" money on the various hotels a mile or two from our neighborhood. Believe it or not this family member owns several vacation properties in exotic locations and goes on lavish vacations several times a year, but somehow thought I should impose on my neighbors and friends when they could easily afford a hotel!!!
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OOTforlife




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 12:42 pm
amother [ Teal ] wrote:
We have close relatives in Toronto and whenever we go for a simcha we get put up by their friends for multiple nights without a question. We're good guests and try to impose as little as possible but we still greatly appreciate the hachnasas orchim.

There's a big difference in being across the street or around the corner from the baalei simcha with the ability to just walk over and being near shuls and other Jewish conveniences rather than staying in a hotel for weeknights and having to pack everything up again and move into someone's home just for Shabbos and then pack up again and move back to the hotel, especially if you're traveling with children whose schedules have already been majorly disrupted.

The bolded is not an issue in this case. OP clearly stated that the relative is staying only one night, mid-week.

Once there is a need for home hospitality due to Shabbos or Yom Tov, I don't think most people mind adding a few days on either end.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 2:50 pm
Chayalle wrote:
What happened to good old-fashioned Hachnosas Orchim? I see nothing odd about it. I would say yes if it worked for me, and no if it didn't.


I hear you. But where I live, for some reason, people that come for weddings or bar mitzvahs stay for an entire week. With a large family. I think that becomes excessive. Especially all the bachurim that come for a wedding. When my husband and I got married, people that came in stayed in a hotel. They didn't take advantage of people and get a vacation out of someone else's house for a week.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 3:59 pm
amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:
I had a close relative ask for this favor too when we made a simcha this summer. I thought it was very socially off! You're asking a family to give up their privacy during the week when things are hectic, for no good reason. It's different when it's Shabbos and people can't drive. I told the family member that I don't know anyone who's able to host during the week since the people I know have families and it's busy by them what with homework, carpools, and working late. I asked my SIL to help this person find an AirBNB, which is where they stayed since they didn't want to "waste" money on the various hotels a mile or two from our neighborhood. Believe it or not this family member owns several vacation properties in exotic locations and goes on lavish vacations several times a year, but somehow thought I should impose on my neighbors and friends when they could easily afford a hotel!!!


Newsflash: Hachnasas Orchim, as a mitzvah, applies even to people who can afford accommodations elsewhere. (for poor people, it's tzedaka. HO is a separate mitzvah.) It has nothing to do with the contents of a person's bank account (or stock options.)

We had a relative who was a multi-millionaire, and my brother and SIL used to invite them for a meal whenever they were in Israel, though they could afford hotel meals galore. They enjoyed a homestyle meal with family just the same.

Some people find it more comfortable, or convenient, to be put up. If that doesn't work for you, just say no (full disclosure: I find it hard to have weekday guests myself.) But no need to project what may work mutually beneficially for others. If it doesn't work out for anyone, then an airBNB or other such accommodation is the next step.

I find it heartwarming that some posted their willingness to host guests in this thread. Mi K'Amcha Yisrael.
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OOTforlife




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 4:21 pm
Chayalle wrote:
Newsflash: Hachnasas Orchim, as a mitzvah, applies even to people who can afford accommodations elsewhere. (for poor people, it's tzedaka. HO is a separate mitzvah.) It has nothing to do with the contents of a person's bank account (or stock options.)

We had a relative who was a multi-millionaire, and my brother and SIL used to invite them for a meal whenever they were in Israel, though they could afford hotel meals galore. They enjoyed a homestyle meal with family just the same.

Some people find it more comfortable, or convenient, to be put up. If that doesn't work for you, just say no (full disclosure: I find it hard to have weekday guests myself.) But no need to project what may work mutually beneficially for others. If it doesn't work out for anyone, then an airBNB or other such accommodation is the next step.

I find it heartwarming that some posted their willingness to host guests in this thread. Mi K'Amcha Yisrael.

I think what you are saying is good to keep in mind for people who are considering whether or not to host a guest.

But OP is wondering whether she should ask other people to host a guest at a time likely to be inconvenient to them, in the absence of any hardship or need. And that is a different story.

As I said above, I think a broad request for volunteers is fine. Those who want the mitzvah will be able to respond and nobody will feel too pressured. But I don't think approaching people for this individually would be a very gracious thing to do if there's no hardship or need.

Maybe you're the type who always feels free to say no, but many people would feel like they have to have a really good reason or major conflict to justify saying no because they would assume it's a hardship/need situation (as these requests usually are).
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 4:36 pm
Hotel (Motel 6....)
Your hosts are happy to host for your simcha. Shabbos (even staying Motzi Shabbos) is one thing, but during the week, is just an imposition. They are helping you with your simcha, they are not a for-profit hotel. Don't take advantage. Your instinct not to ask was correct.

I have been the host many times and I have been asked. You feel like a not nice person saying no, so you say sure, with pleasure, but it is a huge imposition and all you really want to say is why couldn't they stay at a hotel? What excuse can I use to get out of hosting for your next simcha as I feel taken advantage of.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 4:59 pm
amother [ Seashell ] wrote:
If your friends don’t have separate entrances to guest quarters you are invading their privacy by having your guests walk in and out.


Can you clarify all the pronouns?
Either way, if this is the only way people can have/be guests, the hotels will be doing well.
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amother
Ruby


 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 5:02 pm
amother [ Maroon ] wrote:
Hotel (Motel 6....)
Your hosts are happy to host for your simcha. Shabbos (even staying Motzi Shabbos) is one thing, but during the week, is just an imposition. They are helping you with your simcha, they are not a for-profit hotel. Don't take advantage. Your instinct not to ask was correct.

I have been the host many times and I have been asked. You feel like a not nice person saying no, so you say sure, with pleasure, but it is a huge imposition and all you really want to say is why couldn't they stay at a hotel? What excuse can I use to get out of hosting for your next simcha as I feel taken advantage of.


Does your home have guest rooms, and cleaning help?

What is the huge imposition?
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:01 pm
Quote:
Newsflash: Hachnasas Orchim, as a mitzvah, applies even to people who can afford accommodations elsewhere. (for poor people, it's tzedaka. HO is a separate mitzvah.) It has nothing to do with the contents of a person's bank account (or stock options.)

We had a relative who was a multi-millionaire, and my brother and SIL used to invite them for a meal whenever they were in Israel, though they could afford hotel meals galore. They enjoyed a homestyle meal with family just the same.

Some people find it more comfortable, or convenient, to be put up. If that doesn't work for you, just say no (full disclosure: I find it hard to have weekday guests myself.) But no need to project what may work mutually beneficially for others. If it doesn't work out for anyone, then an airBNB or other such accommodation is the next step.

I find it heartwarming that some posted their willingness to host guests in this thread. Mi K'Amcha Yisrael.


Ouch. I guess I'm not from the heartwarming crowd. I feel that there's a big difference between your brother inviting his relative for a meal (normal! nice! of course he would want to connect with family, and your brother was the one reaching out and initiating the invite, not the other way around!), versus a person asking a baalas simcha (on short notice) to arrange for them to stay in a stranger's home on a weekday when they have no physical or financial limitations that would make it hard for them to stay in a nearby hotel. Having read all the Ima threads about people's horror stories hosting others' simcha guests, and about how many people felt obligated to say yes even when they didn't want to, I think it's important to be mindful of the potential dynamics here. Not everyone is easily able to say no, due to personality or due to feeling like they owe the baalas simcha a favor or due to perceived communal peer pressure or whatever. It really is more complex than just offering people an opportunity to chap a mitzvah. Maybe your community is different so we read the situation differently, I don't know.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:05 pm
Quote:
Does your home have guest rooms, and cleaning help?

What is the huge imposition?


Not everybody has cleaning help and guest rooms. I don't, yet people still ask me to host their simcha guests in my partially-finished basement. It's extra work for sure. But the loss of privacy and the need to be on "best behavior" especially being on top of the kids is much harder (for me at least) than the extra physical work.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:12 pm
I think you can ask people. I would ask people who don’t have little kids, preferably empty nesters
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Librarian




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:16 pm
Now I am wondering about something that I did. My son had a date out of town and I asked a friend's daughter (who I also know well) who lives in that town if my son could stay there overnight. She seemed very happy to help, but should I have had him stay in a hotel? The hotel would have not been in the neighborhood but he rented a car. Did I do something tacky?
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:26 pm
I think I would be more sympathetic to a young person who is staying overnight because of a date.
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Librarian




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:30 pm
It was a few years ago but I think my reasoning was to make things a little easier for him probably since it was in Canada. Familiar face etc...now I am feeling a little embarrassed.
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Librarian




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:31 pm
He did bring a gift!
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:35 pm
Librarian,
That was perfect fine, and I would have been happy to host him.
Having a couple with kids is completely a different story than helping a shidduch.
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Librarian




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:41 pm
Okay thanks!
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amother
Silver


 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 9:46 pm
Quote:
Now I am wondering about something that I did. My son had a date out of town and I asked a friend's daughter (who I also know well) who lives in that town if my son could stay there overnight. She seemed very happy to help, but should I have had him stay in a hotel? The hotel would have not been in the neighborhood but he rented a car. Did I do something tacky?

No way is that tacky! That is a completely different situation than what the OP asked. You did perfectly fine
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