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Asking people to put us guests mid week
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 10:37 pm
People coming in to date are a whole different story! Totally normal to have your son sleep by a family. It's understood that young people don't have a lot of money plus it's so nervewracking dating in a strange city, you need someone who lives there to answer your questions and also to be warm and encouraging and willing to help you out if you get nervous! Plus if the host has kids then having the boy sleep there is major entertainment for them and they'll be talking about it for weeks dissecting everything. Smile
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Librarian




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 10:39 pm
Yes thank you! That was my thinking at the time!
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amother
Black


 

Post Mon, Nov 25 2019, 10:48 pm
There seems to be mixed reviews about this topic... personally I grew up in Lakewood and my parents very frequently put up guests midweek who come for simchos be it for 1 night or 2 weeks.(sometimes leaving for shabbos and returning on Sunday). Many times the people they hosted had the means to stay in hotels. I was brought up with the attitude that when someone asks for a place to stay you don't ask questions- you host unless it's dreally difficult.
They did this when with a house full of kids and now that they have a mostly empty house.
It all depends on your outlook, upbringing and most important YOUR ABILITY TO HOST. There's no right or wrong. It's a nice thing to do IF YOU ARE UP TO it.
Personally, I was put up in homes a few times when travelling out of town for a relatives or friend's simcha. We were so lost being in a new location, and staying by wonderful people who offered us breakfast in the morning was really nice and saved us a ton of money (we don't look poor, but really couldn't afford a multi night stay in a hotel especially after paying for flights and car rental etc)
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 26 2019, 12:11 am
I don’t get how either thing is tacky. I have always lived in communities where people put up other people. I don’t get why this is even a question. Just ask and people can say no if it doesn’t work for them
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 26 2019, 6:20 am
I get being uncomfortable asking because I'm shy to ask favors. But I also understand why they would want to come the night before. Traveling 5-6 hours in one day is exhausting especially with a family and may leave them not enjoying your simcha very much. Some people tolerate travel better than others.

What I don't fully understand is assuming they can easily afford it. Unless they are very wealthy, the cost of a hotel is not so cheap. It's hard to assess with out looking at their personal accounts.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Tue, Nov 26 2019, 6:36 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yes and im the morning on a school day no less. I also think its odd that they are not just staying in a hotel especially since they arent people who are struggling. Im a bit resentful to be asked this as im making a simcha. It's putting me in an awkward position...


I didn’t read all 3 pages of this thread but I don’t think it’s a big deal tonhost guests for one night mid week.
I would do it gladly
I think something else about this family is triggering you.
I have made many simchs B’H. & am thrilled when anyone makes the effort to come to my simcha. Maybe they can’t come for more than one night?
You’re the one who made the simcha mid week so why is it on them that they need mid week accommodations??

Also, if someone can’t host, they just say no.

Mazel Tov and enjoy your simcha
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Tue, Nov 26 2019, 8:15 am
Yes it all sounds good IN THEORY!

But then when you have guests that clearly look and act wealthy, and they come with many people and need to pass through your house, and it's a weekday so you are struggling to get the kids out to school and go to work, and then they start showering when you wanted to shower, etc, or the man is in the kitchen making a coffee when you want to just be around in your robe, etc, then you can see why mid-week is just a bad idea.

Now that being said if it's your close relative or the close relative of your best friend or next door neighbor ... then ok. But let's say it's a total stranger that a friend of a friend called ... and they need special food, have a crying baby (or 3!), ask to borrow your car, or do other strange things ... that's when you start making the "no mid-week, Friday night only" rule. Believe me, I was idealisting once too, and then got waaaaaaaay burned. So now it's a weekend only rule.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 26 2019, 8:37 am
You ask, but I'll always say no to strangers at night.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 26 2019, 9:09 am
amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:
Yes it all sounds good IN THEORY!

But then when you have guests that clearly look and act wealthy, and they come with many people and need to pass through your house, and it's a weekday so you are struggling to get the kids out to school and go to work, and then they start showering when you wanted to shower, etc, or the man is in the kitchen making a coffee when you want to just be around in your robe, etc, then you can see why mid-week is just a bad idea.

Now that being said if it's your close relative or the close relative of your best friend or next door neighbor ... then ok. But let's say it's a total stranger that a friend of a friend called ... and they need special food, have a crying baby (or 3!), ask to borrow your car, or do other strange things ... that's when you start making the "no mid-week, Friday night only" rule. Believe me, I was idealisting once too, and then got waaaaaaaay burned. So now it's a weekend only rule.


Then you say no, I'm sorry but it doesn't work for me.

I used to live in a house that had a basement guest room with it's own bath, and an adjacent playroom with extra beds. The room was accessible from an entrance to my home that did not bring guests into my living space. So it didn't bother me to host sleeping guests whenever - they were not in my way.

I moved, and now my guest area is different. Moving my kids out of their rooms, having guests in my regular space...is a different story.

I get that some people feel uncomfortable saying no...it's a shame though, because some would be okay with it and it's a mitzva that's the cornerstone of our people (Avraham Avinu's descendants.)

I guess a group-type of message could work, so no one feels pressured...or using seichel when asking, and giving the person wiggle space to comfortably say no (would it work for you...only if no pressure...etc...)
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Librarian




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 26 2019, 9:12 am
I put up simcha guest all the time for Shabbos as I have a first floor guest suite and I live very close to the shul so I am very popular Smile. I do think it's strange when people who don't invite me to the simcha ask for the room but I usually oblige anyway. I don't like mid-week guest at all and I will only say yes if it is for a very close friend or for a delicate situation like people coming in for a funeral or shivah - or a date!
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Tue, Nov 26 2019, 9:13 am
If this is lakewood the Ramada is reasonably priced and they allow 4 to a room, more if it’s little kids
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banana123




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 26 2019, 9:15 am
amother [ Silver ] wrote:
I personally think this is a bit odd. Why can't they sleep in a hotel for one night? If a friend called and asked me for this favor that's what I'd be thinking.

Because they are already paying for gas and possibly missing work as well, and they may need to put out money for additional expenses as well (not to mention the expected gift). It all adds up. Plus one hotel room may not hold everyone, they may need 2 or 3 rooms and then it gets super expensive really fast.

The baalei simcha have been budgeting for this for months, not so the guests.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 26 2019, 9:20 am
Librarian wrote:
I put up simcha guest all the time for Shabbos as I have a first floor guest suite and I live very close to the shul so I am very popular Smile. I do think it's strange when people who don't invite me to the simcha ask for the room but I usually oblige anyway. I don't like mid-week guest at all and I will only say yes if it is for a very close friend or for a delicate situation like people coming in for a funeral or shivah - or a date!


Yeah, I had this as well. I figure people have big families, etc..and have to cut down on their guest list...and still need to put people up...so I just say yes anyway if it works for me.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 26 2019, 9:21 am
Librarian wrote:
It was a few years ago but I think my reasoning was to make things a little easier for him probably since it was in Canada. Familiar face etc...now I am feeling a little embarrassed.


I don't think either are tacky.
And if anyone thinks they are, or at least if the shidduch one is, then don't complain about the "high cost of frum dating."
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Tue, Nov 26 2019, 12:33 pm
amother [ Ruby ] wrote:
Does your home have guest rooms, and cleaning help?

What is the huge imposition?


I wish that everyone involved in this situation acted as sensitively as possible. That guests didn't think that it was their God-given right to bring their six children for a week for a bar mitzvah, rent free in someone else's home. And that hosts didn't think that unless they had an entire empty house complete with servants, they couldn't possibly house your guests.

I've been on both sides of the story, and I really wish all of us didn't feel so entitled. I work on myself to be a better host, and I try not to impose on other people when I could be independent.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Tue, Nov 26 2019, 1:02 pm
Which is why, once you've hosted the family with 6 kids for a week for that bar mitzvah ... you think twice about imposing mid-week on anyone other than your parents!! (And even then with trepidation!).
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 26 2019, 1:04 pm
If I'm not even invited to anything I would absolutely not host for free
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