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WWYD... Blended family-need advise please
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amother




Rose
 

Post  Thu, Nov 28 2019, 2:30 pm
what if it were reverse? say DH has custody of the kid on one day that OP wants to bond with her kids? and he has an appointment/work or some sort of obligation on the day that his kid is around? ans OP would refuse to take the kid along while she spends quality time with her own kids? we'd think she was an awful wife and stepmom.

that type of mindset IMHO shows a lack of maturity and commitment to ones partner/life. You chose marry someone, along with all their baggage and life circumstances, and deal with things whether or not they are convenient. and yes be sensitive. if your taking out 1 kid for something special, take whoever else is at home. I would never take one kid out for ice cream leaving the other one behind bored stiff. I WOULD take one kid out for some special mommy and me time while the others are in school. or by friends or something.
and on top of that he wants to brag about it?
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amother




Coral
 

Post  Thu, Nov 28 2019, 2:33 pm
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
I'm not sure I agree with the previous posters. Sounds also like OP is bothered that there's money to spend on his son, but not for her kids.


She also works and earns money. She can decide save up for something important for all her kids. Her dh has one son and hasn’t seen him in a long while. Father is finally getting to see his son. These situations are so complicated that he felt spending the $50 was justified. If he did this on a regular basis op would probably have a right to feel the injustice. But this is not something that usually happens.
Op doesn’t want her daughter to know about the trip but the truth, her daughter would probably be okay with it. They can make plans to go together another time.
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 28 2019, 4:28 pm
amother [ Babypink ] wrote:
This is interesting. When my son goes to my remarried ex they all go out together, Him, his wife, step child and my son. He never takes him anywhere by himself anymore...since He remarried.


It's great that your son interacts with the rest of the family. I don't know if "never" as a shita is a good idea, but if this is working for your son and grandson, I say great. No hugs from me.
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turca




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 28 2019, 5:31 pm
Op, 90% of my students come from blended families. It’s really nice to know that your husband is excited about a trip with his child. Most of my students parents act like your ex.
Don’t make a big deal out of it. Put some money on the side and u take her out one day.
Whoever spoke about finances, please let’s not get there! We know nothing about the situation.
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amother




Babypink
 

Post  Thu, Nov 28 2019, 5:42 pm
PinkFridge wrote:
It's great that your son interacts with the rest of the family. I don't know if "never" as a shita is a good idea, but if this is working for your son and grandson, I say great. No hugs from me.


Where do you see son and grandson? Son and EX HUSBAND. I don't know if its working. This is what my son has been reporting is all. I have no clue what normal is.
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amother




Green
 

Post  Thu, Nov 28 2019, 5:52 pm
I see both sides. From dh's side, he finally gets to do this thing with his son and hopes to remember the time fondly afterwards, and you're asking him to be vigilant to never mention it around the other kids. And presumably, that means that when the son is in the house, he can't mention it either, which is definitely difficult and comes with a lot of implications. Not simple. In terms of the money, dh may figure that he can spend all the money he would spend if his son were living in the house (or if he was coming regularly) in one shot.
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amother




Natural
 

Post  Thu, Nov 28 2019, 6:24 pm
I don’t think you’re wrong. The question is why he got so upset about it. Is he nice in general? Does he have an issue with being secretive?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Nov 29 2019, 12:00 am
amother [ Rose ] wrote:
what if it were reverse? say DH has custody of the kid on one day that OP wants to bond with her kids? and he has an appointment/work or some sort of obligation on the day that his kid is around? ans OP would refuse to take the kid along while she spends quality time with her own kids? we'd think she was an awful wife and stepmom.

that type of mindset IMHO shows a lack of maturity and commitment to ones partner/life. You chose marry someone, along with all their baggage and life circumstances, and deal with things whether or not they are convenient. and yes be sensitive. if your taking out 1 kid for something special, take whoever else is at home. I would never take one kid out for ice cream leaving the other one behind bored stiff. I WOULD take one kid out for some special mommy and me time while the others are in school. or by friends or something.
and on top of that he wants to brag about it?


This is what’s bothering me. If I do for one, I do for all. No one gets left out. I was a step child and I remember what it felt like. I wouldn’t hurt a child’s feelings. I do things for my own children one on one, like take them out while the others are in school but we don’t go home and talk about it. Each one feels special. It’s more like shhhh... instead of being secretive. I never told him not to take him out. I don’t even care if they do something together. That’s not the point and never was. When I mentioned I’m going to pull money out to take her out, he got mad. He didn’t understand my point of view when I said switch it to Sunday that we can go our separate ways and each one feels good.

As for finances, he doesn’t even have a job right now and when my paycheck comes in it all goes for bills and necessities. We have been struggling so much and I have anxiety over finances. So for him to go to an amusement park that will cost $60 per person- $120 + parking it burns me because it’s not in the budget. Take him somewhere else instead... it’s doesn’t have to be so extravagant. He just craves the quality time. It’s not like she wouldn’t love to go she asked me about this place once before and I said we couldn’t do it right now. But to go to the same place she asked me to go to and to do it on a day she’s sitting at home and I’m working, I just don’t see the fairness and sensitivity.
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amother




Orange
 

Post  Fri, Nov 29 2019, 12:09 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
This is what’s bothering me. If I do for one, I do for all. No one gets left out. I was a step child and I remember what it felt like. I wouldn’t hurt a child’s feelings. I do things for my own children one on one, like take them out while the others are in school but we don’t go home and talk about it. Each one feels special. It’s more like shhhh... instead of being secretive. I never told him not to take him out. I don’t even care if they do something together. That’s not the point and never was. When I mentioned I’m going to pull money out to take her out, he got mad. He didn’t understand my point of view when I said switch it to Sunday that we can go our separate ways and each one feels good.

As for finances, he doesn’t even have a job right now and when my paycheck comes in it all goes for bills and necessities. We have been struggling so much and I have anxiety over finances. So for him to go to an amusement park that will cost $60 per person- $120 + parking it burns me because it’s not in the budget. Take him somewhere else instead... it’s doesn’t have to be so extravagant. He just craves the quality time. It’s not like she wouldn’t love to go she asked me about this place once before and I said we couldn’t do it right now. But to go to the same place she asked me to go to and to do it on a day she’s sitting at home and I’m working, I just don’t see the fairness and sensitivity.


OP, you mentioned earlier that this child has been to Aruba, Cancun, etc. So I'm assuming that the mom is treating the kid to all that. Is is possible that DH feels very inadequate, and is afraid that he'll lose the kid because of what mom is enticing him with? If so, that's why he is doing this. He is desperate to show the kid that he can also offer him a good time, so he's going to do whatever he can to show him that. And being that money is so tight, he is spending the absolute minimum - for only two tickets.

As for the bragging part. He may be looking at it through the eyes of his son. Does the kid talk about all the vacations he has taken? Does the kid attempt to use it to bolster his self esteem with it, being that he's dealing with divorce and new family issues? If so, he is afraid if you take that away from the kid, it will minimize his efforts in what he's trying to do here.

I'm not saying it's rational and logical. It may just be a poor Dad trying to reach his son through whatever means falls into his lap.
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DVOM




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Nov 29 2019, 6:39 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
This is what’s bothering me. If I do for one, I do for all. No one gets left out. I was a step child and I remember what it felt like. I wouldn’t hurt a child’s feelings. I do things for my own children one on one, like take them out while the others are in school but we don’t go home and talk about it. Each one feels special. It’s more like shhhh... instead of being secretive. I never told him not to take him out. I don’t even care if they do something together. That’s not the point and never was. When I mentioned I’m going to pull money out to take her out, he got mad. He didn’t understand my point of view when I said switch it to Sunday that we can go our separate ways and each one feels good.

As for finances, he doesn’t even have a job right now and when my paycheck comes in it all goes for bills and necessities. We have been struggling so much and I have anxiety over finances. So for him to go to an amusement park that will cost $60 per person- $120 + parking it burns me because it’s not in the budget. Take him somewhere else instead... it’s doesn’t have to be so extravagant. He just craves the quality time. It’s not like she wouldn’t love to go she asked me about this place once before and I said we couldn’t do it right now. But to go to the same place she asked me to go to and to do it on a day she’s sitting at home and I’m working, I just don’t see the fairness and sensitivity.


I'm so sorry, OP. It sounds like a very difficult situation. I have no wise advice to add.
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Nov 30 2019, 9:15 pm
amother [ Babypink ] wrote:
Where do you see son and grandson? Son and EX HUSBAND. I don't know if its working. This is what my son has been reporting is all. I have no clue what normal is.


Sorry, I meant to say family. And I think I was configuring something else. Again, my apologies for any aggravation.
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