What would you do in this situation?

amother

Tue, Dec 03 2019, 9:58 am

Child made a poor choice regarding going to bed last night, had a hard time getting up this morning. They get a ride in the morning to school with a neighbor. The usual deal is if they want tablet time after school, they have to get to school on time. Child did not get up and get ready until it was too late for him to get the ride. When he heard that he will miss out on the privilege he said "ok, so I'm not going to school at all". I told him that if he makes that choice then he will lose tablet for more than just today so he said "If you don't give me tablet I won't go to school". Child has missed a lot of school due to other things this year, he is very bright and has ODD tendencies and issues with authority. My husband works at home and I have a somewhat flexible schedule but I still had to get out the door and could take him b4 going to work. If he stayed home without his tablet and not being sick he would pester my husband so he could not work.

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 03 2019, 10:28 am

I think you should stand your ground as the parent, as much as possible. It's reasonable that tablet is a reward for getting to school on time, so no tablet for today. I would give a different consequence, if possible, if he doesn't go to school at all - on top of the no tablet today.

amother

Black

Tue, Dec 03 2019, 10:48 am

if he stays home he has to help you with extra chores or school work something that will keep him occupied so it won't disturb father. also I would say father needs to leave and you canot stay home yourself.

As a teen when my mother and father weren't home, we would open the house by combination. the times that we were suppose to be elsewhere my father would double lock the door. and only he and my mother had a key This was because we had one sibling that my parent didn't trust home alone. but we all knew a very enforced rule was you had to get out of the house so father could lock the door if there would be no one home. on school days that meant going to school.

mha3484

Tue, Dec 03 2019, 10:49 am

I have some very strong willed children who usually dont respond to rewards/punishments. If they dont want to do something I can take every toy away and they wont budge. DH offered one of our kids a toy he was begging for if he would sleep in his bed one night and he flat out said no.

I would sit down with him on his level and talk to him about the importance of good sleep habits. Invite him to brainstorm with you ways that DC can get a good nights sleep and a good morning routine. I would leave out the tablet and make it all about having good habits.

I also think teal has a good point. Have you had a non judgmental conversation with him about school. ODD is often really a response to anxiety and there may be things at school that are setting him off. If we as parents know what is triggering our kids we can often help them problem solve which is an awesome life skill to teach them.

amother

Tue, Dec 03 2019, 11:28 am

He's a smart kid, he knows everything academically--he even knows things beyond his grade, school is probably boring for him but there's not really an alternative. He's been "sick" a few times this year (a few times he had a cold but there were other times when we were skeptical as to if he were really sick) and we just went away so he missed a day of school on Wednesday--honestly between yom tov and his other excuses I think he's barely been to a full week of school--the school doesn't have a real consequence to him missing/being late that's why we've instituted the policy about the tablet. Problem is when he doesn't get what he wants he makes it so that we CAN'T ignore him all to get what he wants. He has issues with listening and authority. he constantly threatens and tells me that if I don't do what he wants he'll never listen.

He did eventually get to school today, but it took a potch to get him to obey (not my favorite methodology by a long shot but its the only thing that works with him sometimes). He often leaves me wondering if I did things the right way both short-term and long-term.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 5:50 am

If your child has ODD tendencies, 'normal' won't work. You can try bribing and punishing, but they won't care. They will deliberately push your buttons. Speaking from experience here.
Don't make direct demands-offer them choices 'would you rather go with the neighbor to school or me?' etc. Is there something they are into that works as a motivator? Mine is currently into Harry Potter lego-each chore etc he does round the house earns him 'money' and when he has enough he will buy the next set.

UnFarvosNischt

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 6:07 am

The problem is that the tablet is not an immediate consequence for his behavior, that's why he feels like he can decide just as you. The reward of the tablet after school is too arbitrary. If it's just a bribe he will feel he can do the same to you.
I would advise you to sit with him and to discuss about it. If you want to reward him going to school on time, he needs a reward on the spot (or in a chart but something effective to that very moment).
For example he gets to see a 5min video on the tablet before the neighbor picks him up.
Good luck!

cinnamon

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 6:40 am

We instituted one 'get out of school free day' which is a day the kids can decide to stay home from school just because.

They have to decide on the day off at least a day in advance not the night before and for sure not that morning and they can't miss a test.
For the younger kids it also has to work out so me or dh can work from home that day.

When they kvetch about not wanting to go to school I can remind them that they got a day off recently or tell them that we'll decide on a day off when they get back from school.

It make sense to me because I also need a day off sometimes

amother

Wheat

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 6:56 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I wouldn't let him use the tablet for at least a week.
Also no dessert or whatever he loves to eat for a week.
And instead of letting him pester me or my dh I'd pester him. He could do some cleaning around the house.

What bothers me is the issue with authority. He needs to learn to accept authority and pressuring you into something is pure chutzpah.

saw50st8

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 7:06 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think that there is so much to unpack in your posts. I think that the tablet is not really the problem.

Have you asked your son why he doesn't want to go to school? He may give you a whole host of reasons and you may be able to solve a bunch of them. You should also talk to the school to see how they can enrich him in some way. Bored kids often make trouble or just don't want to go.

I second the recommendation of the Explosive Child. A word of warning though - it's not easy or quick.

amother

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 12:21 pm

We've read the explosive child and while it is somewhat helpful, we're actually working with a different book that I think deals with more of the ODD aspect.

In the end I think I know what the "real" issue was and he came home and was much better.

Yea, the typical reward-punishment tactics don't work for him. Its all about his mood and what's "really" the problem. If he's on-board, then he's on-board, if he's not on-board, you can take away everything from him and he won't care. When he came home and was in a good mood he did chores to earn his tablet back. He went to bed mostly on time last night, got up and dressed first this morning and was out the door when the ride came.

Cheiny

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 12:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Quite honestly I’d consult with a child psychologist to ask what the proper response should be. This is too serious an issue which could have future ramifications to just use guesswork on how to respond. How old is the child?

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 12:28 pm

OP, if the child is smart beyond his grade and bored in school, is it an option to put him up a grade?? Or switch him to a more challenging school?
It's very hard for a child to sit through the day when they're bored, it makes them get into trouble because they have nothing better to do.