Is something wrong if

amother

Tue, Dec 03 2019, 11:56 pm

The husband doesnt bring a toira to the shabbos table or a nice story to tell? My dh is a special kind husband and father to the kids,
Just it bothers me that when it comes shabbos by the meal, there is no parsha discussion going on or a toira, my dc are very deep kids they would love to hear a nice story or going over the parsha ect, I mentioned it a few times to my dh but nothing is changinging . He doesnt like to sing either, and I really want my kids to have good memories and not that it was never singing or storytelling, parsha, how do u ppl make shabbos pleasant for the kids and rememberble?

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 12:18 am

I buy “parsha nosh”. It’s usually something very special. The kids come home with either questions or a דבר תורה. They really run to take out their parsha sheets after the fish course and they’re so excited to go through everything so they can get their nosh.
Very often a child has a mashal to say and the kids love the story and usually someone remembers a similar story so it gets the table in the right mood like this..
My husband does like to sing but it gets me crazy that he won’t sing the official zemiros ... instead it’s usually something he makes up so no one really ends up singing with him.
I’m not sure that you can force your dh to do something he doesn’t want to do but you can try to ask your kids parsha questions... or you can start a conversation by asking if someone can think of something special that happened to them that week...

amother

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 12:27 am

DrMom wrote:

When you mention it to your DH, what is his response?

Perhaps you can ask your children to tell the family what they learned in school about the week's parsha as a way to get a discussion rolling.

So this . My dh would go over with my 5 year old his alef beis, If thier are questions on the parsha notes my son brings home he can sometimes go over it . Yet , I would like to have more deeper conversations about the parsha... my big teen-age boys have sometimes deep questions to ask and I would love it to be stretched out as a big discussion, question and answers.
What I know I do answer them and sometimes I do have deep conversations with my kids but my dh has nothing to add or he's not so into those topics. Though I still feel its important and if not parsha then it should be singing , nice storys which doesn't even need to be about the parsha, .. I feel its lacking a lot @ our shabbos table. Just asking if its normal? We do smhooze and can have a good time but I feel the spiritual has to be more .

DrMom

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 12:36 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I understand the scenario you envision for your Shabbat table. But it sounds like you want your DH to be somebody he is just not (or somebody he does not want to be). I understand your disappointment.

Have you presented this vision to your DH? Not on the spot at the Shabbat table, but offline, when you can discuss it without the children present.

You can do what you can to fill the gaps on your own, but unless your DH wants to change, you will need to just accept it and find work-arounds. Are age-appropriate shiurim in your community that your children could attend? Interesting parsha sheets you can acquire?

seeker

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 1:52 am

You say you have older kids, they probably know some zmiros even if DH isn't a singer. Reinforce your kids to sing at the table. Kids singing together is beautiful. Sometimes I do things like say OK I'm ready to bring dessert but first I want to sit a little and enjoy some zmiros together Wink

And if they want to sing some random song they learned in school instead of zmiros, so be it, the point is they should be involved and happy. Positive reinforcement for every single spark of behavior that you want to see more of, whether from DH or from the kids - compliments, thanks, treats, all of it. Not in a ridiculous insincere way but enough to make it that songs/stories = excitement. Extra dessert for anyone who asks a great question (of course they're all great but your reaction is what makes it so.) Enthusiastic appreciation for stories, show on your face and tone of voice how much you love it.

If DH is not interested in running a show, ask him if he would be OK with you doing it. I can see it being uncomfortable for you to just take over if you come from a background where the father leads, but if you have an open, pleasant conversation about it then it could be a lot smoother. "I know you like to chill at the seuda, and I love when families share stories. Mind if I take over parsha time at Shabbos lunch?"

After that, acceptance acceptance acceptance acceptance. Keep working on it. Because it sounds from your posts like you do have a lot of good going on. You seem to say there's shmoozing but not "enough" or not "spiritual enough" but I tell you there is nothing as good and as spiritual as a family feeling comfortable in each other's company around the Shabbos table. If you have to choose between a pleasant atmosphere with shalom bayis, and a table full of divrei Torah and exciting stories, I will confidently take bets on which kids are going to end up healthy and frum.

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 2:48 am

Why don't you bring Torah to the table? You can talk about something that's appropriate for your kids' ages and stages. Also, in our family there's always a food related to the parsha. (This past week was easy, we had lentil soup.) You don't need a formal dvar Torah or question and answer session. You need to create an environment where everyone associates Torah with warmth, fun and family.

amother

Indigo

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 4:55 am

Please don't pressure your dh and kids. I grew up in a home where my brothers were pressured to say a dvar torah at every meal, and shouted at if they didn't. Let's just say I think all my brothers hated it and we all have different tables as a result.
I prefer more discussions, even if it's not always on the sedra per se. You can ask a sedra question that makes people think. There's also the more difficult ones where you try and get them to guess how something matches up with the sedra-'How does lemonade connect with this week's sedra?' etc

Brownies

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 5:27 am

The “What If” books might be a good idea for you. Each week has one or more questions - admittedly sometimes only very tangentially related to the sedra, but based on a pasuk in the week’s parsha. The questions are theoretical or true to life modern day situations and are a great springboard for discussion. (Answers and halachic reasoning are included also!)

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 8:32 am

My dh doesn’t sing Anything or say divrei Torah. and it does bother me because I’m from a family that usually had great Torah discussions at our table. I decided to take matters into my own hands. I read a Dvar Torah at the shabbos table and review the kids parsha sheets with them. I also sing and do benching out loud whoever wants to join me can. It also helps to invite guests or eat with other families who like to sing and talk.

amother

Bisque

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 10:30 am

Just wanted to chime in her to give you some encouragement.

At the beginning of our marriage, my DH also rarely said a dvar torah and it bothered me so much. We spoke about it but nothing ever came of it.

We are married over 15 years now, and he finally does! I have learned that he is shy, that his delivery can be awkward, sometimes he loses his train of thought... He doesn't love to learn but I have come to be in awe of his commitment to Yiddishkeit and to the basic soul-level belief he has that I don't think I will ever reach.

Now, we have such nice parsha discussions at our table. They are intellectual, funny, inspirational - all the things I wanted but in a different way. He says over things the Rabbi says... and my children add what they learned at school. It took a long time. But it can happen! My husband had to grow into his own, I think.