I moved and I'm miserable

amother

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 12:44 pm

I don't really want to say which Community I am now in. I know there are plenty of imamothers here from there. Basically I am a nothing here. Used to be a known member of the community where I knew everybody and everybody knew me. The work position I held was something I was proud of, a little prestigious. In my new city, I am an unknown face and a boring one at that. I didn't realize how my position would not transfer well and the only jobs I can get here or entry level secretary jobs. We are really short on cash right now because of this and I feel terrible about it. I lost my social standing, all my friends, my parnassa, and all my self esteem. I was pro the move, its a great community on paper. But I am so miserable.
I cant go back because I bought a house here. Otherwise I would.

STMommy

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 12:51 pm

OP, my best friend from HS went through the same thing. In her previous community her father was the president of the shul and the family was known to everyone in her small community, and she was very popular. Then they moved and her father was "just" a regular teacher and she was no longer the star of school and neighborhood. But she eventually was part of a great friend group and her father worked his way up to principal. It just took some time.
The qualities you had in your old neighborhood that made you able to work at a prestigious job and be at the top of the social ladder have not disappeared from you. Figure out ways to put on a happy face and put yourself out there more. If you project a more positive demeanor, people will gravitate to you more. There is also research to support having this attitude can get you a better job/pay, too.
Best of luck!

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 2:33 pm

I feel your pain OP, it sounds really hard...

I wish you would tell us where you live , if you are in my city I would love to get to know you. I am a firm believer that the more friends you have the happier you are. and I have room in my life and my heart for more friends.

I moved to Baltimore knowing NOBODY here so I really know what its like. I left behind all my family and my childhood friends and friends from early in my marriage. I was 'known' by everyone in my birth city. But here I am and I have made so many amazing friends... If you live in Baltimore now please say so and I will post with my screen name if you say that you will PM me.
I love new friends!

amother

Magenta

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 2:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

From what I bolded in your post, you seem to prioritize being "somebody" over everything else. No-one is a "nobody" and people's worth is not determined by how many people they know, how many people know them, how prestigious their job is, or what their "social standing" is. This is all fluff and doesn't mean much. Real friendships don't blow off with the wind because of a geographical move - if your friends disappeared, those were flimsy relationships to begin with. Maybe it's time to stop basing your happiness on shallow ideals and start building an authentic life.

amother

Purple

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 2:59 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

I can rletae to op. They're still my friends but we're no longer in touch. I'm introverted and bad at keeping up. When I'm back in town I love to see them. But yeah in the meantime I have no friends.

amother

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 2:59 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

Thank you for all the criticism. I sure appreciate it. It made me feel all better Banging head

amother

Ruby

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 3:34 pm

Magenta definitely was harsh. She has no right to bash someone like that. I get you OP,
You were just being honest in your vent am I right? I think her general idea is true though...you are not a 'nobody'! And if your friends were true friends hopefully you all will get through this. It might take more effort to keep in touch, but they are not necessarily gone forever. I moved away from my hometown 2 years ago and I know what you mean about people knowing you. It is hard to feel you have to start all over again socially. Maybe try going to local shiurim/ excersize classes you are interested in and maybe you will find others who you can connect with, might also be good for your job prospects. Also it's only been 6 months, maybe you've just been very busy with settling in and your old friends might want to catch up as well. There are so many ways to do this nowadays, without even leaving your house. I had to realize that since I wouldn't be bumping into friends while doing shopping, or living right next to family members, I would need to make just a tiny bit more effort to pick up a phone and call them. But thank Gd for technology!

amother

Apricot

Wed, Dec 04 2019, 5:28 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

Well, that post clearly reflects on Magenta's issues more than it does OP's character.

OP: I had an experience which is in some ways similar to yours. A few years ago our family also moved. We lost friendships, community. It's not that we disappeared on one another, but rather that we grew apart. I thought we would stay in touch despite the long-distance, but somehow we drifted. It's very hard and painful. True, we made new friends, but that took a year, and besides we still miss the old friends.

We moved to a place which after 6 months began to feel wrong to me. I was miserable there. I'm not sure how to describe it. Maybe it as because so many things became an uphill battle (finding schools, children 'fitting in,' trying to find our own friends, jobs, broken this and that on the home we rented and an unresponsive landlord). Maybe it was just a feeling. Now, in retrospect we ask why we didn't leave once we realised we were unhappy in the new place. There were 3 reasons. First, what would all our old friends back home say when they found out the move didn't work out? Second, we didn't want to be 'quitters;' we were determined to make it work. And third, we felt stuck on account of being so focused on day-to-day stuff. Flash forward a couple years later. Though our problems with schools, kids' new friends, finding a few friends of our own and parnossah resolved, we have this sinking feeling that this isn't the place we want to be, we're not happy here. And so we're planning on moving again. Some people won't like it when we pick up again and start over. But you know what? Those are the people who were too scared to try, to take a risk of their own. They probably wish they had the chutzpah to move and try again, too.

It's your life, and you have a right to be happy and enjoy the brachos Hashem gave you- even if that be in a different place! Nobody has the right to tell you you're being 'selfish' by moving again or you should 'stick it out' for other peoples' benefit. Nobody should be questioning your priorities. If your priority is being and feeling like a somebody- if your priority is a prestigious job and good community standing- then Hashem bless you with that, why not!?! Other people don't get to tell you that your priorities are right/wrong, good/bad.

You just feel stuck, but you're not really stuck. You can always rent out your house to somebody else, and move to a new community, and rent someone else's house for a while. Why not? There must be possibilities you can't see right now, because you feel so stuck. But once you realise that it's your life and the doors really are open to change, you will empower yourself to find the way, iy"H.