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Forum -> Working Women -> Work at Home Mothers
WAHM and hate Shabbos



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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Dec 06 2019, 1:43 am
Can anyone relate? Any advice?

All week my days are divided between housework, getting kids off to school, working at home in my same little house, then picking them up and taking care of my kids, mostly at home (especially now that the weather is cold).

Shabbos is just more of the same only worse, because many of the things that make it easier to take care of kids are not options. Nor is hopping in a car and going somewhere with them. It's going to be mostly putting out fights or possibly reading to kids or playing games with them which I don't enjoy (maybe I would if spending time with my kids was a once-a-week thing, but we spend hours of every weekday together.) Nor is there any escape in my phone, or feeling of accomplishment I sometimes get from work. I don't even have a library near me these days or a book store so I could stock up on good reading.

My kids are small. Going out is complicated, even if we are invited somewhere. Having guests is hard too and we haven't done it recently (I know plenty of people with many small kids have guests often... but maybe they or their kids have different personalities).

HELP! As the weekend draws near I cringe. And I know it's not supposed to be this way.

I just wish we had the kind of weekend that involved "weekend" activities like going out for brunch or even to a public venue as a family. (Shul is somewhere my husband goes alone while I take care of the kids... The park kind of worked while the weather was warm but now it's cold.) Or there was the option for my husband to take care of the kids for once and give me a break (imagine if I could go get a manicure Shabbos morning!)--but shul is obviously set in stone (and obviously no manicures on Shabbos).
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Dec 06 2019, 1:46 am
There is a ladies shiur on Shabbos morning that is schedule for exactly the hours when the men are in shul. I imagine it is perfect for those who don't have little kids to take care of at home, or maybe if you have fewer or lower maintenance kids than I do and you can bring them along. (I know some people bring their kids to the shiur--I can't imagine that working out well for us. Maybe if I would have a chance to go once by myself I'd have more of a sense of whether I could do it.)

Do I ask my husband to stay home from shul so I can go to this shiur?
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small bean




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 06 2019, 1:57 am
I think this feeling is a bit normal when your kids are little.

When my kids were young, my husband did menucha at an earlier minyan and then was home the rest of the day. He was able to help with the kids, or keep me company or I was able to go out etc.

Identify what bothers you the most and work on removing that.
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myname1




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 06 2019, 2:26 am
I don't think your husband staying home from shul so you can go to the shiur is a good option, but is there an earlier minyan he can try? Like neitz? Or can the community organize another shiur in the afternoon for younger moms? Or can your husband give you a break by taking over with the kids after shul or after the meal?
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 06 2019, 4:50 am
Can you invite a friend or two over shabbos afternoon? Or you can start a very informal shiur for mothers of little kids.
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Fri, Dec 06 2019, 6:29 am
I also hate being cooped up shabbos so our schedule looks like this:
We go for a walk to meet dh at shul and hang out with friends at the Kiddush.
Lunch.
Mommy and baby take nap. Abbas in charge
Abba goes to early Mincha while mommy takes the kids to the park or for a group playdate with friends.
Abba comes home, we eat shalosh seudos and Abba plays with the kids while mommy relaxes with a book.
Abba goes to maariv and Mommy has storytime with the kids.

Would you be able to add any of this to your schedule?


It also sounds like the WAHM style is not working for you. Do you have kids at home during the day? Is not, maybe try getting out every day and working somewhere else
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 06 2019, 7:20 am
myname1 wrote:
I don't think your husband staying home from shul so you can go to the shiur is a good option, but is there an earlier minyan he can try? Like neitz? Or can the community organize another shiur in the afternoon for younger moms? Or can your husband give you a break by taking over with the kids after shul or after the meal?


This. Which might be hard now since neitz is so late but once it works out.

Also, focus on the goal of having your children have good memories about Shabbos. B"H mine remember a relatively calm erev Shabbos, Shabbos treats, toys, books, and weather permitting outings to parks and friends. A little will go a long way.

So I say, have the long term picture in mind, while doing what you can to have an eim habanim semaicha - shiur, if the $ there buying yourself something special for Shabbos (reading material, extra dips or whatever floats your Shabbos table boat, etc.).

Wishing you a Shabbos of sholom and menucha!
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Fri, Dec 06 2019, 8:37 am
Do you have a neighbor who you can get together with? Like Shabbos morning? Or afternoon
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Fri, Dec 06 2019, 8:43 am
Special Shabbos toys that are only brought out after licht bentching. You can relax while your kids play.

Scheduled nap times on Shabbos so you and dh switch off having naps/watching the kids.

Books and secret delicious treats in your bedroom that nobody knows about, to enjoy during your nap time.

Sunday have scheduled time for dh to watch the kids while you go out and do whatever you want.
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miami85




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 06 2019, 11:18 am
I dont know what your shul is like, but even when shul was just "going to pick up my husband"--we were there practically every week--even when my babies were a week old I would bundle them up and get out. If I dont' get my kids out then they get coo-coo. We would go to the park even if its cold. As much as I don't want to work, I wouldn't be more productive being home and it's good for my sanity.
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amother
Tan


 

Post Fri, Dec 06 2019, 1:09 pm
I don't think I have anything to add to the suggestions listed, sorry, but I feel for you. I work out of the house, but I also feel so stretched, because as soon as I'm home, I take over from the babysitter and have to cook and serve dinner, husband gets home, we get kids ready for bed, then he leaves for night seder, and I'm left with the house in a wreck and no energy to do anything about it. Don't get me wrong, my husband is definitely helpful when he's home, but due to his schedule, he's often not. Shabbos he tries to give me some time to get dressed and daven in peace (when he's home early from shul), and we usually take turns napping. The one thing I really look forward to, though, is the 1-1.5 hour break on Sunday I get. I explained that it's hard for me to be all day with the kids, and all week with no option to do anything me-centered, and I just need the time to be "off-duty." So he either takes the kids out, does something with them in the house while I rest, or I leave to do some errands that are easier without kids, or just to treat myself to a coffee or something. I feel like I'm racing all week, and while it's not Shabbos, that 1 hour is probably my most enjoyable one of the week.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 06 2019, 2:00 pm
I love the quality time with my kids on shabbos but I also struggle with being cooped up in the house. On the short shabbossim we usually try and keep to a regular ish schedule so the kids go to bed at their normal bed times friday night and I get some really serious sleep.

We dont use the eruv so the mornings are chilled, I make coffee and hot chocolates and just relax and let the kids play.

After lunch DH and the baby nap (I hate naps) and then I take the three older kids to pirchei groups. We bundle up and go even if its cold. Its so good for us to get fresh air. If its warmer then 50 degrees we live at the park or in the back yard. I find by the time we get home there is only 2-3 hours left of shabbos and its manageable.

Once shabbos is over my little kids get showers, a blippi video and bed and the night is all mine.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Fri, Dec 06 2019, 2:18 pm
There are plenty of single girls that would love to come to a family like yours for meals. They would even like helping with the kids, because this way they feel like an asset that's wanted and needed instead of a burden and a chesed case. A lot of them are very low maintenance and would appreciate someone who genuinely likes having them and a warm family environment even if you didn't work your back off getting the place to look immaculate. I think you'd appreciate the sane adult interaction too. Maybe ask the Rebbetzin in the shul if she knows people like that.
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lcraighten




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 06 2019, 2:58 pm
I agree with all the mothers who said "go to shul" our shul has a toy room and I schlep all the kids there every shabbos. Play dates are also SUPER important to maintain my sanity. We also go to the park (even if its cold) and take walks.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 07 2019, 11:50 am
advice to take or ignore, depending on whether it sounds to you like it fits:

- rethink the Shabbas/week balance. Eg I was once having trouble with Shabbat because I found myself wanting very badly to work on a certain (not-Shabbat-friendly) project. The solution - which seems obvious in retrospect, but took me a while - was to rearrange my week so that I could spend more time on that project on Thursday.

- if you like reading, find a way to get books. Order books online, for example. Find a friend who likes to read and swap books. Whatever it is you enjoy doing on Shabbat, invest in making it happen.

- throw money at it. Not always an option, but if it is... New toys/activities that are special for Shabbat can make it easier for kids; premade food can make it easier for mom and dad (including making it easier to have guests over).

- go to someone else's house, or invite someone to your house, even though it's hard. If going for a meal isn't fun for you/ your kids, is going to someone's house at a different time an option? Eg maybe hanging out with another mom with kids roughly your kids' ages during shul?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Dec 09 2019, 3:09 am
Thank you all for your responses!! A lot of food for thought (and I was even able to read some of the responses before Shabbos).

What actually ended up happening this week was I planned with my husband that I WOULD get to go to that morning shiur I've been dreaming of. At first we thought he'd go to a neitz minyan that he found out about--but we both overslept, so we decided he'd go to a later minyan instead (which we already knew about but that he doesn't like).

It was a fantastic amazing feeling for me to be the first one dressed and out of the house, where normally I spend hours every morning enabling everyone else to get launched on their days only to then come back home myself and clean up their pyjamas strewn all over... And I really enjoyed the shiur. So I think maybe we will do that again!

Also, Ora--you are right on target about part of the problem being a lack of other time during the week to do what I really want to do. The chilling with my kids I do every day of the week--it's not a treat but it's what I have had my fill of by the time Shabbos comes along. Same thing even with having a single girl over for Shabbos--even if she is really appreciative, the LAST thing I need is yet another person who is relying on me to make my home pleasant for them. Sorry, I know it may sound awful. But it's kind of like in my current stage of life my kids ARE my guests (sometimes they bring playdates as well... or family member comes to visit... so they're not the ONLY guests, but I pretty much am thinking of their needs all day, and anyone else who drops by). I DON"T NEED MORE GUESTS, even very appreciative ones, who require me to be this model image of a woman who just is the quiet engine making the home hum along. The home is humming. But the last thing I need is more expectations on me in this regard. And really really the last thing I need is time at home. I need to get OUT MYSELF (which is almost never the outcome of inviting a guest!).

Realising all this.... I feel like I should say I had a great insight in this regard, but I guess I had some sort of insight and decided I need to work less and get out more. I just can't keep up sustainably the schedule of dedicating every minute of my day to either work at home or childcare.

I did think about taking my computer and going to work somewhere out of the house. And maybe I can still somehow make this work. The problem for me is that I don't actually have that many hours to start with between preschool drop-off and pickup. Add in transportation (I don't live near a lot of coffee shops etc.), packing food for myself (I have unique dietary restrictions) and the time that does need to get spent on stuff at home and there's not actually a lot of work time.

However I do think I will try to start gathering resources I'd need to make it happen (backpack to hold laptop? ideas of where to go that I could comfortably work?) and see where I can take this.

And yes, I definitely do need to find a way to get books...

Thank you all for your responses! I feel like many of you really understand.

Amother who has the routine of a 1-1.5 break on Sunday--some of your words really struck a chord: "time to get dressed" (normally my toddler tries to color with my makeup as if it is crayons while I am getting dressed every morning to take kids to school... This Shabbos it was amazing for me to just go get dressed all on my own at my leisure while my husband watched the kids). And the break you described--just the idea of it being time to be "off-duty" and do something "me-centered." I can appreciate that for some mothers, spending quality time at home with their kids might feel something like that. But not for me at my stage of life.

To clarify, in case it will help anyone with more helpful advice--I have some small kids and some older up to age 8. So I couldn't really easily plan to get together with a neighbor because I can't shlep so many kids especially some who may not have playdate counterparts. Maybe if I had better friends around here? (We moved to this neighbourhood not long ago.) I don't know... I think it may just be the stage of life.

Oh--this Shabbos we also spent some time in the park (after I got back from the shiur, while my husband was in shul--greatly expedited by the fact that I was ALREADY dressed... Is this not a factor for anyone else?). And it turned out there were other kids and mothers there we knew. My kids socialised and so did I. It was really great.

Thank you again to all of you! Wishing you all beautiful Shabbosim that are both great for you and make good memories for your kids.
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sl18




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 09 2019, 5:06 am
Happy to hear! It's great to see how sometimes just a small change can make a big difference. And inspires me to think of ways to have my own oneg Shabbos as well. So important!
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lcraighten




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 09 2019, 8:51 am
I'm so happy it all worked out!!
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amother
Tan


 

Post Mon, Dec 09 2019, 9:28 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Amother who has the routine of a 1-1.5 break on Sunday--some of your words really struck a chord: "time to get dressed" (normally my toddler tries to color with my makeup as if it is crayons while I am getting dressed every morning to take kids to school... This Shabbos it was amazing for me to just go get dressed all on my own at my leisure while my husband watched the kids). And the break you described--just the idea of it being time to be "off-duty" and do something "me-centered." I can appreciate that for some mothers, spending quality time at home with their kids might feel something like that. But not for me at my stage of life.


Oh--this Shabbos we also spent some time in the park (after I got back from the shiur, while my husband was in shul--greatly expedited by the fact that I was ALREADY dressed... Is this not a factor for anyone else?). And it turned out there were other kids and mothers there we knew. My kids socialised and so did I. It was really great.

Thank you again to all of you! Wishing you all beautiful Shabbosim that are both great for you and make good memories for your kids.


It's very validating that you could relate to my need to just get dressed in peace and be off-duty, even for just a bit of time. Hug

We have a little park/playground practically across the street from us, and since my kids are still small, they love going. I do find that in general, they do best when they have time to go outside (even to our backyard) - something about the fresh air and not being cooped up all day. I, too, was surprised to see that there are occasionally other kids/moms there in the morning. I knew they often go mincha time, but then, while socially nice for me, I do find that my kids (who are still little), sometimes get overwhelmed by the crowds. We also went this Shabbos morning (once I was dressed - lol), and it was a nice treat for the kids and me! Smile
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