Dd 15 year old tells me to shut up

flmommy

Fri, Dec 06 2019, 11:21 am

Sorry that is hard. Sounds like you need to have a conversation with her when it’s not in the heat of the moment. Is something bothering her that can be fixed? Sympathize that whatever is going on at home you know is hard but that you have to stick together etc. If it happens again she needs to be punished. Warn her that this is not acceptable behavior and that if it happens again she will lose something. What can you take away? A phone? Electronics time? Good luck.

amother

Fri, Dec 06 2019, 11:27 am

She does it often. I tell her it’s not allowed to talk that way to your parents. She is very religious and the teacher and principal say she is the b st girl etc. midis and popularity and academics is all perfect. She doesn’t have any respect for me as Dh was very abusive and I lost my social status and she thinks I’m a looser. She is not aware what happened when she was young.

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Dec 06 2019, 11:34 am

OP, many times the kids that do best in school, act out at home. Because home is their safety net where they can let loose of their emotions. But you need to make it clear to her in a calm way that you will not tolerate chutzpa. Explain to her that being not nice and chutzpa'dig won't get her very far in life. Maybe call a parenting expert for advice.
Good luck!! It ain't easy to raise teens!

Odelyah

Fri, Dec 06 2019, 11:34 am

aah it's so hard. is she your oldest? it really gets better!

I strongly recommend, based on a lot of experience and highly qualified advice, to:

a. tell her calmly but firmly: "I know you're upset but it's not OK to speak like that". (this should take 2 seconds)

and b. then focus entirely on the underlying cause-- what she is really saying, I.e. "I'm so frustrated and upset because (fill in the blank)." and then respond to that implied statement, not her actual rude words. If you do this consistently, she will trust you that you really care about what is important to her, and you are a solid rock for her who understands (or sincerely wants to understand) and is not caught up in the drama or on your own kavod.

this more than anything shows that you are the parent, and she is the child, and ultimately she will respect you more for it (even if you won't actually see it overtly for a couple of years!) than if you focus on the chutzpah (again don't ignore it completely but don't get caught up in it at all-- look for her real message and respond to that)

Hatzlacha!! Hug

amother

Fri, Dec 06 2019, 11:47 am

Odelyah wrote:

P.S. if you think she is not ready for b. in the moment, like you won't be able to communicate with her at all because of the mood she is in, then say a. and walk away and find a time for b. asap, to approach her to show her you care and try to respond to what's bothering her

I don’t think she will ever be ready for b. Not in the near future at least

amother

Fri, Dec 06 2019, 12:30 pm

She was very late to walk to school. She called me to her room wash her glasses I came to her room rushing and took the glasses to wash. She called me back to close her door behind me. She was all dressed and I was washing her glasses. She was almost late. We needed to leave in few minutes as I’m driving her. She told me to close her door. She was dressed and we needed to leave. I said we need to leave now we don’t need to close your door now you are almost late. (She made it to school by two minutes.). She said shut up. I was going out of my way to help her not be late. She missed her friends who are walking to school and I am driving her because of that. She was sitting next to her door putting her earrings on. She is my oldest and the little kids were with my housekeeper. (I was going out of my way to help her not be late with everything ready for her to go. )

amother

Honeydew

Fri, Dec 06 2019, 12:39 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Wow. If this is happening regularly, don't help her at all. Let her deal with the consequences, and wash her own glasses if she is late. You were being very nice. Give her the opportunity to apologize and if she doesn't, have a serious conversation. It's not okay to respond like that and you are the mother she has, whether she likes it or not.

amother

Lemon

Fri, Dec 06 2019, 12:46 pm

I would tell her "I'm sorry that you're late, but I will not be able to help you with that. At 15 I expect you to have a back up plan for when you miss walking with your friends."

As for when my kid tells me to shut up, I do exactly that. I get up and walk away Smile

Just watch how quickly they learn that they don't want that. Sometimes I say, you don't want me to talk to you right now? Repeating the words I would want them to use and then get quiet or walk away.

mha3484

Fri, Dec 06 2019, 12:48 pm

She seems like shes really struggling with her emotions and taking it out on you. You mentioned that her father was abusive? That is a heavy load for a little kid to bear. My oldest is more in the tween years but also gets really rude these days and I use a lot of empathy and validation and I find it helps a lot. I went to a whole parenting lecture by Dovid Lieberman, the psychologist and he talked about this alot. I think if you want to see it yourself its on torah any time.

Does she see a therapist? Sometimes a teen would appreciate having someone to talk to about their feelings who is not their parent.

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Dec 06 2019, 12:48 pm

OP, by heeding to her demands you're enabling her chutzpah. Don't wash her glasses or close the door. She's a teen, she should be doing these things herself. She see's that you listen to her every demand, she might as well be chutzpa'dig. You need to draw the line, even if it means being late to school. Her late's are not your problem. She shlould be facing the consequences.
I think she should also be seeing a therapist to adress the abuse.
Good luck!!
And every teen says their mom is weird!

amother

Peach

Fri, Dec 06 2019, 1:02 pm

Op I really feel for you.

You need to sit down in a calm time by yourself or with the help of a parenting professional who can help you make a plan.
A list of consequences to present to your daughter in advance of another "outburst".
Like a list of a few rules: "saying things like "shut up" to a parent will not be tolerated if someone does say such a thing to mother then x consequence (whatever you think necessary/will help) will happen. And enforce it. And if she says "shut up" its no longer business as usual, no words or explanation necessary, just immediately walk away and she is on her own. Let her come and apologize and shape up.
While a big fan of ross Greene I would let daughter know that you have decided to give her more independence and therefore the following will apply: she is on her own in the morning and getting to school, if she misses you are not available, you are not available to help her do whatever extra either.
not punitive
but necessary to install some boundaries to show respect for yourself and get from others and its a terrible thing for her as well to be "allowed" to do this to you and a terrible example for your younger children too. Yes some teenagers do these kinds of things, please do your hishtadlus to let yourself and her know that you are not going to tolerate it by behavioral consequences.
Please nip this in the bud. What was done was done but must be time now for some new boundaries. If you need professional help to do this please do so.

While I understand your concerns about the school she is going to have to understand that it is on her and if she is upset she cannot take it out on you. Id think about priorities and long term concerns of the big picture. not always easy

hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Pewter

Fri, Dec 06 2019, 1:18 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She needs a good therapist who can help her explore what parts of her personality are a reaction to emotional abuse and the underlying subconscious notion she may have picked up that bullies win and the timid suffer. Many bullies are victims of abuse... It's their defense mechanism to themselves.

amother

Mistyrose

Fri, Dec 06 2019, 1:41 pm

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

This.
And even if you decide to drive her to school bec you don’t want her to be late in a strict school and thus have more problems in your life. You shouldn’t wash her closes and come back to close the door. That’s like being her slave. People only have the power you give them.
So don’t be a people pleaser -or a Kid pleaser!
No. You can be nice (when she’s nice!) but don’t act “trying to please”.
Hugs OP!