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Dd 15 year old tells me to shut up
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amother




Wheat
 

Post  Fri, Dec 06 2019, 1:43 pm
I would give her consequences in things that hurt her. Pocket money, nice shabbos clothes .. things that will really bother her.
I wouldn't give her money for a week for extra things she wants to do with her friends unless she apologizes.
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amother




Wheat
 

Post  Fri, Dec 06 2019, 1:45 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She was very late to walk to school. She called me to her room wash her glasses I came to her room rushing and took the glasses to wash. She called me back to close her door behind me. She was all dressed and I was washing her glasses. She was almost late. We needed to leave in few minutes as I’m driving her. She told me to close her door. She was dressed and we needed to leave. I said we need to leave now we don’t need to close your door now you are almost late. (She made it to school by two minutes.). She said shut up. I was going out of my way to help her not be late. She missed her friends who are walking to school and I am driving her because of that. She was sitting next to her door putting her earrings on. She is my oldest and the little kids were with my housekeeper. (I was going out of my way to help her not be late with everything ready for her to go. )


Why are you washing her glasses? She's not 6 years old... You're letting her treat you like a shmatta. If you don't expect her to respect you why should she?

I would never drive my teen to school when their late for no good reason. They can walk and be super late. And especially after talking to you that way.. why did you drive her???
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Fri, Dec 06 2019, 1:49 pm
amother [ Wheat ] wrote:
I would give her consequences in things that hurt her. Pocket money, nice shabbos clothes .. things that will really bother her.
I wouldn't give her money for a week for extra things she wants to do with her friends unless she apologizes.


Punishments are better when they’re small.
Not “when they really hurt”
If it’s too big it causes too much anger and the whole thing snowballs.
I find that as long as you give even a tiny punishment- they get the message and it works better.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Fri, Dec 06 2019, 1:50 pm
amother [ Wheat ] wrote:
Why are you washing her glasses? She's not 6 years old... You're letting her treat you like a shmatta.


I Agree.
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Stars




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Dec 06 2019, 2:22 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She asked nicely but than said shut up


I think "shut up!" is code for "I'm in pain! Please help me!"
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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Dec 06 2019, 2:54 pm
amother [ Pewter ] wrote:
She needs a good therapist who can help her explore what parts of her personality are a reaction to emotional abuse and the underlying subconscious notion she may have picked up that bullies win and the timid suffer. Many bullies are victims of abuse... It's their defense mechanism to themselves.

It’s probably true but if I will even mention therapist she will tell me to shut up and even more..
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thunderstorm




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Dec 06 2019, 3:12 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It’s probably true but if I will even mention therapist she will tell me to shut up and even more..

You can tell her that you see that she is hurting and you love her and want only the best for her. Maybe something you are doing or saying is triggering her. So OFFER to find and arrange a therapist for her. Do it as an offer so that she can talk to someone other than you, Incase she finds YOU to be the problem.
I spoke to one of my kids yesterday. I told him, that I will gladly find him a therapist to talk to if he feels that his parents have hurt him and he wants to talk to someone about it. I told him I totally understand how I may have hurt you without realizing it and I want the best for you. So let me know if and when you are interested and I will gladly arrange therapy for you. Give her the option to choose.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Fri, Dec 06 2019, 3:27 pm
Stars wrote:
I think "shut up!" is code for "I'm in pain! Please help me!"

This may be true but being chutzpadig is still not ok and she needs to know that it won’t be tolerated.
I’m not saying to punish her. She IS a teen and is probably in pain or a mood swing.
But I wouldn’t do anything when she’s chutzpadig. Definitely wouldn’t “obey” and come close that door.
I’d let everything fall flat.
It’s to her benefit to learn to communicate with you properly.
I wouldn’t even say to her that I love her- not when she’s being chutzpadig.
She needs to realize that when there’s chutzpa there’s nothing- just nothing!
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lcraighten




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Dec 06 2019, 3:32 pm
I don't agree with penalizing her. Ideally you want her to change her attitude because she realizes that behaving in that way does nothing to make her a better person, nor does it contribute positively to the atmosphere in the house.

Would she like it if you spoke to her that way? Obviously not, so she should not speak to you that way either. It sounds like she doesn't respect you. Perhaps you need to open up to her about your past and speak to someone who can help you teach her that you are an important person as well.

Do you respect yourself? She might be feeding on your own insecurities.
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amother




Sienna
 

Post  Fri, Dec 06 2019, 4:08 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Her school is very demanding and strict. With all our problems I don’t want her to be late.


Good. Someone needs to be. YouI got put off am abusive marriage, don't fall into those patterns with your daughter. She sees the choice as be abrasive and strong or weak and abused.
You're no one's punching bag. Beer consequences are her own. Don't give in to abuse.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 1:16 pm
It sounds to me like you give into her demands because you might be feeling guilty about the way your ex treated her. Doing little things for her is not going to fix that. Being a strong and supportive role model for her is what she needs right now, not coddling.

Women who have been abused are often timid, have lost self esteem, and feel weak - even when the danger has left the home. Kids will pick up on that, even if they are not aware that they are doing it. I suggest you get therapy for yourself, to help you get your strength back.

Kids with insecure parents will often be bossy, because someone needs to be the adult in the house, and they feel that void. It's a huge responsibility, but the idea that no one is in charge is even scarier. DD needs to know that you are totally in control before she can relax and be a kid again.

Instead of scolding her, ask her how "we can make things better". Focus on teamwork, and tell her that you don't like yelling and being stressed. You want a happy home, and if she has any ideas you'd love to hear them.

On the practical side, have her lay out her clothes the night before, and have her wake up 15 minutes early. Make sure she knows that you won't be driving her to school in advance, so it's not a surprise next time she's running late.

I have been EXACTLY where you are with my teen DD, and my abusive ex. It's a tough recovery for everyone. I am concerned that if your younger ones see DD getting away with being bossy to you, they will follow her example. You really need to get control of the whole household as quickly as possible.

There will be some tantrums along the way, and you will probably get called names, but it will be so worth it in the long run. It's hard, but a stable parent is the best gift you will ever give to your kids.
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amother




Puce
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 2:33 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She doesn’t have any respect for me as Dh was very abusive and I lost my social status and she thinks I’m a looser.


OP, this particular line sticks out for me.

I find it a little strange that she would come to this conclusion on her own. How would she know you lost your social status? Are you sure this isn't your own insecurities spilling over into your reactions with her?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 2:44 pm
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
OP, this particular line sticks out for me.

I find it a little strange that she would come to this conclusion on her own. How would she know you lost your social status? Are you sure this isn't your own insecurities spilling over into your reactions with her?


That could be part of it. It could also be that she saw her dad being a jerk and a bully, and her mom not standing up for herself. If she sees her mom as weak and timid, she might think "If dad got away with it, I can too." I'm not saying that she's thinking this consciously at all, and might even deny it, but that thought may have sunk in somewhere.
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nechamashifra




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 6:45 pm
She hasn't been given much of a choice. Parents are the greatest influences in a child's life and the only 2 choices she has seen so far are: 1. be abusive or 2.allow yourself to be treated like a shmatta.
Show her by example that you can be a kind person and still stand your ground and not allow yourself to be walked over.
By taking over her problems (you don't want her to be late because she'll get in trouble), you're not giving her space to take responsibility for her own actions and you're also modelling how to be a doormat. You're not doing her any favours.

Yes, it will hurt you to see her getting in trouble with the school, but by rescuing her you are actually hurting her.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 7:13 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Her school is very demanding and strict. With all our problems I don’t want her to be late.


What is the point of a BY School is you are letting her get away with Chutzpah - a
very serious Aveirah.

Let her be late - teach her she cannot ABUSE you and expect your help.
You are being abused because you are allowing DD to treat you like schmatta.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 7:16 pm
Stars wrote:
I think "shut up!" is code for "I'm in pain! Please help me!"


No! Shut up is code for "I am an abuser"

If a husband spoke to his wife that way, you would scream he is an Abuser.
You would not excuse it by saying husband is in pain.

If you let children order you like a servant and yell shut up you are raising
your child to be an abuser.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 10:13 pm
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
OP, this particular line sticks out for me.

I find it a little strange that she would come to this conclusion on her own. How would she know you lost your social status? Are you sure this isn't your own insecurities spilling over into your reactions with her?

Because I’m very isolated. I had to move because I had to move away from Dx and never got used to the foreign country that I moved to. The mentality is part of it. And also I had a bad start in this country. It’s a long story.
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