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Wwyd: ur child calls u stupid
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thegiver




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 8:58 pm
Like all the time. Children are age 6 and 4. They know it's not right. What's a good way to teach them more than just saying it's not right. And how do you stop (is react to) chutzpa in general? Can't Believe It Can't Believe It
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hodeez




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:01 pm
You can't just say it's not nice, they need consequences.
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:05 pm
I am horrified. Absolutely horrified.
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small bean




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:14 pm
You dont give chuptzah a voice.

Model for your kids the way to talk.

So for example, child asks for ice cream, you say no, not before dinner. Child responds, you're stupid, I'm not eating dinner anyway. You say to no one in particular, mommy I dont like dinner tonight and I won't be eating dinner, can I eat ice cream instead. You then continue on doing what you were doing. No reaction.

Kids learn very quickly that if they get a reaction, they get something. No reaction means new tactics.

Also when you talk to others, talk respectfully.
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groisamomma




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:21 pm
small bean wrote:
You dont give chuptzah a voice.

Model for your kids the way to talk.

So for example, child asks for ice cream, you say no, not before dinner. Child responds, you're stupid, I'm not eating dinner anyway. You say to no one in particular, mommy I dont like dinner tonight and I won't be eating dinner, can I eat ice cream instead. You then continue on doing what you were doing. No reaction.

Kids learn very quickly that if they get a reaction, they get something. No reaction means new tactics.

Also when you talk to others, talk respectfully.


In other words, completely ignore chutzpah? Children can't raise themselves. Ignoring a problem won't make it go away. Allowing chutzpah sends a mixed message to the child.

ETA the bolded is a reaction that teaches children to rephrase respectfully. That's called a reaction and is an active way to raise a child.


Last edited by groisamomma on Sat, Dec 07 2019, 11:53 pm; edited 2 times in total
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amother




Firebrick
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:22 pm
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
I am horrified. Absolutely horrified.


Are you serious?

I ignore it. My 5 yo does it all the time; occasionally I ask him to speak respectfully but I usually ignore.
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amother




Magenta
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:23 pm
My kids have never called me names but if they would try that, they would either be sent to their room or lose a privilege/ toy depending on the age and how the kids react to different punishments.
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groisamomma




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:25 pm
amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:
Are you serious?

I ignore it. My 5 yo does it all the time; occasionally I ask him to speak respectfully but I usually ignore.


Hence the reason he "does it all the time."
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amother




Firebrick
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:27 pm
groisamomma wrote:
Hence the reason he "does it all the time."


I highly doubt it.
According to most of the parenting advice I've read, I'm supposed to either show them how to do it the right way instead of saying "don't do this," or I'm supposed to look away from bad and focus on the good.
He's a 5 yo, for heaven's sake.
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SuperWify




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:29 pm
No reaction.

Don’t give chutzpah a voice.

Only speak to child when child speaks respectfully to you.
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:30 pm
amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:
Are you serious?

I ignore it. My 5 yo does it all the time; occasionally I ask him to speak respectfully but I usually ignore.


Yes. I am horrified and I can’t believe you have such a cavalier attitude. Then again maybe that’s why your child does too. I model kindness and respect every single day for my child. To the people we encounter, in my work, in how I treat my husband, parents, her and myself. If my child ever said it: believe you me it would only be the one time.
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small bean




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:31 pm
groisamomma wrote:
In other words, completely ignore chutzpah? Children can't raise themselves. Ignoring a problem won't make it to away. Allowing chutzpah sends a mixed message to the child.

ETA the bolded is a reaction that teaches children to rephrase respectfully. That's called a reaction and is an active way to raise a child.


My point was no reaction direclty to the kid. I found consequences do not work for chutzpah.
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amother




Firebrick
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:32 pm
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
Yes. I am horrified and I can’t believe you have such a cavalier attitude. Then again maybe that’s why your child does too. I model kindness and respect every single day for my child. To the people we encounter, in my work, in how I treat my husband, parents, her and myself. If my child ever said it: believe you me it would only be the one time.


What exactly would you do?

(My husband and I model respect too. We have never called each other names ch"v. My son picked it up from his classmates in school.)
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Kiwi13




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:32 pm
"That's not nice. Even when you're upset about something I expect you to talk like a mensch."
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:32 pm
I’m dealing with this with my 5 year old whose current choice phrase is I hate you. It’s almost always in regards to being told no.

First when he tells me he hates me I validate that he’s frustrated. The other day he wanted cookies before bed so I said to him cookies are delicious. I also like cookies, but it’s bedtime so we can’t have cookies now. I feel like this helps him feel heard as a person which is a basic human need.

Once he’s more calm we role play what words to say when we are angry. We are making some progress but it’s slow going.

I learned this from the whole brain child series and Dr Dovid Lieberman talks about it too. You can find it on Torah any time.
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small bean




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:34 pm
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
Yes. I am horrified and I can’t believe you have such a cavalier attitude. Then again maybe that’s why your child does too. I model kindness and respect every single day for my child. To the people we encounter, in my work, in how I treat my husband, parents, her and myself. If my child ever said it: believe you me it would only be the one time.


What would you do?
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:38 pm
amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:
What exactly would you do?

(My husband and I model respect too. We have never called each other names ch"v. My son picked it up from his classmates in school.)


I believe in time in rather than time out. I’d sit the child in my lap and have her look me in the eye and in a low, serious voice I would say, we do NOT speak this way. Not to anyone and certainly not to mommy. We speak respectfully in this family. We use kind words. I would keep saying it again and again. Calmly but seriously.
And lovingly too. I might add I know you don’t mean to and I know you don’t know what you’re saying but we don’t name call. Period the end.
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pizza4




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:39 pm
Every so often a kid will get upset and say something like that to me. I tell them calmly, oh it seems like you're super frustrated about this thing! You really really want it, or whatever it's about. That's not the way to speak to mommy though. Do you want to tell me in a different way?
Usually after validating their strong feelings and after they calm down I'll say to the child even when were upset we cant speak that way, and they can apologize.
Its important to stay calm and loving.
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amother




Pumpkin
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:41 pm
Amother lavender, why are you so "absolutely horrified?" It's very age appropriate for a 4,5,6 year old to call a parent stupid.
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amother




Beige
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:43 pm
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
I believe in time in rather than time out. I’d sit the child in my lap and have her look me in the eye and in a low, serious voice I would say, we do NOT speak this way. Not to anyone and certainly not to mommy. We speak respectfully in this family. We use kind words. I would keep saying it again and again. Calmly but seriously.
And lovingly too. I might add I know you don’t mean to and I know you don’t know what you’re saying but we don’t name call. Period the end.


You got me as far as "time in, not out" but otherwise everything else you said doesn't rlly fit with the model of time in.

Op: "sounds like you have big feelings that you're not sure how to express. You're calling mommy a name, seems like you might be frustrated or angry. I won't let you call me that name. (play act the situation with voices and positions. Get down to his level then stand up to be mommy) "mommy, I'm so angry!" "what's the matter? I'm so glad you used your words instead of calling me names. Let me help you" "

Check out Janet Lansbury
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