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amother




Firebrick
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:44 pm
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
I believe in time in rather than time out. I’d sit the child in my lap and have her look me in the eye and in a low, serious voice I would say, we do NOT speak this way. Not to anyone and certainly not to mommy. We speak respectfully in this family. We use kind words. I would keep saying it again and again. Calmly but seriously.
And lovingly too. I might add I know you don’t mean to and I know you don’t know what you’re saying but we don’t name call. Period the end.


According to your previous post it would Be the one and only time it happens, so there would be no "keep saying it again and again."

Trust me, I've tried this approach but life ain't as simple as that.

I now use an approach more similar to small bean and super wifey.
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nicole81




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:45 pm
Where are they getting that from?? Is anyone else calling you stupid?? Bc if so, the kids are not going to stop.

I save my angry voice for very specific situations. This is would be one of them. I would tell then very angrily that this is unacceptable. They cannot talk to me like this. Ever again. I'd probably do time outs for both, and let them know that they cannot interact with me, or anyone else, while they're being mean and hurtful. The 6 year old would get some sort of larger consequence if this continued.

Sometime after the incident and time out, when everyone is calm and ready to listen, I would talk to them about how their speech causes hurt. Not just a sentence, but how it makes me feel, makes me not want to interact with them, etc.. And that I know they're good kids and don't want to hurt me. This is not something I would shrug off at all.

ETA: validation is very important, too. If they said this, they're obviously upset by something. During the discussion afterwards, it's important to break this down and teach them a constructive to express their feelings.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:50 pm
Child should be punished.

At a different time, when child is calm, role play how to express frustration in
a respectful way. But child has to still accept a No gracefully - even if s/he asked
respectfully.
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:51 pm
amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:
According to your previous post it would Be the one and only time it happens, so there would be no "keep saying it again and again."

Trust me, I've tried this approach but life ain't as simple as that.

I now use an approach more similar to small bean and super wifey.


Keep saying it again and again in the conversation.
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groisamomma




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:55 pm
amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:
Amother lavender, why are you so "absolutely horrified?" It's very age appropriate for a 4,5,6 year old to call a parent stupid.


In which world is this okay? Of course it happens, but I agree with amother lavender that the cavalier attitude here is astonishing.

I ran this by DH to refresh my memory and he doesn't recall my kids saying this. My 18-month-old once imitated a neighbor's older child and said "stinky mommy" but had no clue what it meant. We still tease her about it to this day.

Child is chutzpadik. I want XYZ.
Mother, directly to child: Please try that again. Mommy, may I please have XYZ.
Kid wails.
Mother (keeps doing whatever she was busy with) repeats: "Mommy, may I..."
Kid eventually stops wailing and repeats after you.

It took one or two tries. After that I would just start them off, "Mommy..." and they would rephrase immediately. For the most part, it still works and they're teenagers now Very Happy. They feel a little silly rephrasing but it doesn't happen often. They fix up fast if it does.
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amother




Mauve
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 9:55 pm
I didn't enter this thread at first because I figured we were talking about teens and I don't have any so I don't know what I would do. But I do have a five year old so I can tell you what I would do.
First time, there would be re-wording and a warning about what would happen if he ever did it again. If he *ever* did it again, there would be instant punishment. The punishment has to be something that is their currency. You can't use food as a punishment. Use something they care about.
Second and more importantly, I would investigate where this is coming from and work hard on finding a solution.

Name calling is something I would never shrug off because even if it doesn't bother you, I promise it'll bother the next person he does it too. by that time it'll be too late to fix it because they won't understand what's so bad about it, my mommy doesn't mind if we call her stupid.

So fix this. Now.
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amother




Firebrick
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 10:15 pm
groisamomma wrote:
In which world is this okay? Of course it happens, but I agree with amother lavender that the cavalier attitude here is astonishing.

I ran this by DH to refresh my memory and he doesn't recall my kids saying this. My 18-month-old once imitated a neighbor's older child and said "stinky mommy" but had no clue what it meant. We still tease her about it to this day.

Child is chutzpadik. I want XYZ.
Mother, directly to child: Please try that again. Mommy, may I please have XYZ.
Kid wails.
Mother (keeps doing whatever she was busy with) repeats: "Mommy, may I..."
Kid eventually stops wailing and repeats after you.

It took one or two tries. After that I would just start them off, "Mommy..." and they would rephrase immediately. For the most part, it still works and they're teenagers now Very Happy. They feel a little silly rephrasing but it doesn't happen often. They fix up fast if it does.


I always ask my 5 yo to rephrase respectfully if the situation calls for
It.
He does.
But it happens again. Why? Because he's 5.

(The name calling usually happens after I do a mean mommy thing, like I take away a toy that has been used for hitting someone. 5 yo will say "dumb mommy." I might say "please say, I'm upset that you took away my toy." Or I might ignore it.)
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amother




Mustard
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 10:23 pm
Quote:
I always ask my 5 yo to rephrase respectfully if the situation calls for
It.
He does.
But it happens again. Why? Because he's 5.

I couldn't agree with this more. All of you saying you're horrified or that your kid would never do such a thing, how old are your kids?
This to me is completely age appropriate behavior. My four-year-old is in this stage right now and is constantly calling anything and everything stupid (a fun new word he picked up in school). Sometimes I try to rephrase it, most of the time I just ignore it. All he's doing is trying to get our attention.
Went through this exact thing with my older kids and bh they outgrew it fairly quickly.
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amother




Pumpkin
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 10:29 pm
Groisamomma, I didn't say it's ok for a child to call a parent stupid. Read my post again. I said it's age appropriate. That doesn't mean it's ok. There are many age appropriate things that kids do that are not okay, just age appropriate.
When my kids say it once in a while I say "we don't call mommy stupid. We don't call anyone stupid. Mommy can't talk to or listen to kids that call mommy stupid." And I ignore them for a while. Most of the time they feel bad and apologize.
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nicole81




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 10:33 pm
amother [ Mustard ] wrote:
Quote:
I always ask my 5 yo to rephrase respectfully if the situation calls for
It.
He does.
But it happens again. Why? Because he's 5.

I couldn't agree with this more. All of you saying you're horrified or that your kid would never do such a thing, how old are your kids?
This to me is completely age appropriate behavior. My four-year-old is in this stage right now and is constantly calling anything and everything stupid (a fun new word he picked up in school). Sometimes I try to rephrase it, most of the time I just ignore it. All he's doing is trying to get our attention.
Went through this exact thing with my older kids and bh they outgrew it fairly quickly.


I have kids from 1-15. Name calling me is unacceptable. My almost 4 year old occasionally says something that's mean unintentionally bc she doesn't know better. But that doesn't mean I let it fly. Once she knows that it's not a nice thing to say, she apologizes and even catches herself at later times for things that are similar, whether or not they're actually mean; I try to teach her the nuanced differences. It's equally unacceptable for my elementary and high schoolers.
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 10:36 pm
amother [ Mustard ] wrote:
Quote:
I always ask my 5 yo to rephrase respectfully if the situation calls for
It.
He does.
But it happens again. Why? Because he's 5.

I couldn't agree with this more. All of you saying you're horrified or that your kid would never do such a thing, how old are your kids?
This to me is completely age appropriate behavior. My four-year-old is in this stage right now and is constantly calling anything and everything stupid (a fun new word he picked up in school). Sometimes I try to rephrase it, most of the time I just ignore it. All he's doing is trying to get our attention.
Went through this exact thing with my older kids and bh they outgrew it fairly quickly.


Mine is 4. 5 next week.
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groisamomma




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 10:54 pm
amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:
Groisamomma, I didn't say it's ok for a child to call a parent stupid. Read my post again. I said it's age appropriate. That doesn't mean it's ok. There are many age appropriate things that kids do that are not okay, just age appropriate.
When my kids say it once in a while I say "we don't call mommy stupid. We don't call anyone stupid. Mommy can't talk to or listen to kids that call mommy stupid." And I ignore them for a while. Most of the time they feel bad and apologize.


I reread your post.
amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:
Amother lavender, why are you so "absolutely horrified?" It's very age appropriate for a 4,5,6 year old to call a parent stupid.
I hear you.
Someone once told me that there's a difference between age appropriate behavior and behavior that a child does that should be stopped. He said something like the kid is 4 years old, if the behavior isn't something people engage in 10 years from now (say, when the kid is 14, like jumping on the couch) then you just tell them to stop but it's not a long-term punishment thing. Not sure I'm being clear. Basically, chutzpah, while it's age appropriate for now, must anyway be dealt with or we'll have a much, much bigger problem in 10 years.
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amother




Mustard
 

Post  Sat, Dec 07 2019, 11:07 pm
I agree with the previous posters. I don't think anyone here is saying this is not chutzpadik and it shouldn't be dealt with, but it definitely is behavior that is common at this age. When DS says it the first time I'll usually tell him that's not a nice thing to say let's use other words but when he just keeps doing it over and over again to try to get my attention that is when I'll ignore him.
I definitely don't think this is something though that they should be getting a consequence for or going in time out for a length of time
I also think this is probably more common in boys than girls as all "potty" language
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small bean




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 12:38 am
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
I believe in time in rather than time out. I’d sit the child in my lap and have her look me in the eye and in a low, serious voice I would say, we do NOT speak this way. Not to anyone and certainly not to mommy. We speak respectfully in this family. We use kind words. I would keep saying it again and again. Calmly but seriously.
And lovingly too. I might add I know you don’t mean to and I know you don’t know what you’re saying but we don’t name call. Period the end.


And after one time of this your kid will never do it again?
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banana123




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 3:28 am
Send them to corner. Four minutes for a 4yo, six minutes for a 6yo.
Or just ignore it.

Seriously they are trying to get a rise out of you. If they fail they'll try something else, if they succeed they'll keep calling you stupid.
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DVOM




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 6:33 am
I recall learning once, waaaay before I had kids, that you need to use the lowest level reaction possible in any given parenting situation.

If any of my kids say something like 'stupid' or 'dumb' I make eye contact, raise my eyebrows and make a surprised face, and might, in a whisper, repeat the word they used in a question ('Stupid?'). This is usually enough to get the kid to look sheepish and remorseful and say "I'm sorry! I just meant...."
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amother




Firebrick
 

Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 7:16 am
From Sarah Chana Radcliffe's daily email today:
If a child is doing something wrong, refrain from commenting on it repeatedly. For example, avoid commenting every few minutes throughout the morning routine "Come on, you're going to be late...hurry up...please move...your car pool is almost here, hurry..if you don't go faster, you'll miss your ride..etc." Only use that many words when making POSITIVE remarks, as in, "Good for you! You're almost ready!" and "I like the way you're moving so quickly!" and so on. Remember: you'll be getting MORE of whatever you choose to focus on, so focus on what is going right!
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amother




Wine
 

Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 7:52 am
If my child ever called me stupid, I would raise my voice and ask how dare they. I would send them away from me until they came and apologized. Then we would have discussions about calling people names.

There's no acceptable reason to allow your child to call you stupid.

BH I have great kids! We have great communication. I don't tolerate this kind of talk.
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amother




Pearl
 

Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 8:50 am
If my child calls me stupid, they know full well they did something wrong. There is no teaching in that moment. Punishment, ignoring and telling them how its wrong rude or not allowed isn't going to do a thing. It will not teach the child respect. Your reaction will control the situation.

I ignore what or how my child is speaking, behaving or doing and focus on how the child is feeling.

It will usually come from:
-Tired/hungry
-Feeling ignored or unloved
-Feeling like I'm not listening
-Just needs some time and attention
-Upset about something in the day and needs to talk about it


It has NOTHING to do with calling me stupid.

ALL "negative behavior" will stem from something else.

Children deserve respect, love and affection always. Even when they are doing something "wrong".


Timeout, being ignored, punished will push them away.

Would YOU like to be sent away from a loved one when you are frustrated about something and expressing it ? Or would you like someone to say: hey, I can see you're having a hard time - whats bothering you, what do you need - I'm here to support you! Lets find a way to make you feel better.

When we behave and react appropriately and from an emotionally healthy loving place, our children will model this and learn what real respect looks like. Blowing up on them will only make them lose respect.



Of course at the end of the day, in a time when its calm -we can always say hey - remember we don't call people stupid. Lets use kind respectful words so we don't hurt anyones feelings. That is real teaching that will be heard.
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 9:44 am
So I’m definitely on the do not tolerate such talk in our house kind of mom I’m grateful as well to have open conversations with my kids about all topics of life another thing that has been really getting to me is watching friends of mine “allow” their kids to hit them or jump on them when they get told no about something. I’m really trying to understand it but even having my kids witness this with no immediate repercussions bothers me. We do talk about it how maybe the mother reprimands them when we are not around.... sorry to hear off but for me it comes under the same concept of calling a mother stupid..( we literally don’t use that word at home)
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