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Wwyd: ur child calls u stupid
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amother




Dodgerblue


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 10:29 am
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
Mine is 4. 5 next week.

Probably your oldest too!
I hope all your kids are that easy!
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amother




Gray


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 10:42 am
You say your 6 and 4 year old are calling you "stupid" all the time.

This requires a plan.

Im sure 6 year old does not call the teacher/morah/rebbe "stupid" all day long.

And 4 year old is picking up on this.

Yes Id make a plan in advance calmly and unemotionally and let the children know in advance and be consistent about it. Think of an age appropriate consequence with which you want to address the targeted behavior and let the kids know, particularly the 6 year old. Keep it simple. "calling mommy is not acceptable behavior...if anyone makes a not good choice and calls mommy a not nice name then x (whatever consequence you feel makes sense). Then if/when it happens again calmly implement x consequence. Be consistent.

Like any behavior, particularly at these ages, you want to address it should be fairly simple and if not then ask a parenting expert/book etc for a plan how to best do it.

You want to nip this in the bud now and have a strategy for any unacceptable behavior now and going forward.

And a plan to encourage positive behavior -- reinforcements work well too. Perhaps even better.

Like they get treats for good behavior (concretely listed and easily achieved - maximizing for success) and one treat goes out of a visible transparent unreachable container if they make a choice to use an unacceptable targeted behavior. Like call mommy a not nice name.

Behaviors should be very concrete and measurable. Plan should be told to the kids in advance. You can make it fun and accent the positive like they have a way to get treats! And develop good/better middos at the same time!

hatzlocha
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nechamashifra




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 12:49 pm
Stop what you're doing as if in shock, turn around and ask "who did you just call stupid?" He will (hopefully) mumble "the chair" or "the floor" and you respond with "Ah, I thought so, because you would never ever call your mommy stupid".
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 1:16 pm
When DD was about 4 or 5, I explained to her that people are all made in the image of Hashem, and that we are special. We have to be very careful about not hurting people's feelings with bad words. We can't call people "stupid" because it is disrespectful to Hashem's favorite creation, and to Hashem. Would you tell Hashem that He made something stupid?

On the other hand, I did give her a chance to use the word if she really felt the need to. Objects, situations, and the neighbor's dog can all be called "stupid", because it will not hurt their feelings. Traffic is stupid. My computer is being stupid. The neighbor's stupid dog won't stop barking.

By making her stop and make sure she's using stupid in the right context, it gave her enough pause that she almost always chose another word instead. Start giving your kids more vocabulary words, and enrich their emotional expression skills. Tell them words that are more accurate, and less insulting. "Mommy, you can be so frustrating!" is adorable when it comes from a 4 year old. LOL
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small bean




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 1:19 pm
I always tell my kids that you need add the word being before a description. The computer is being stupid. The computer is not stupid. My friend is being mean, my friend is not mean.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 1:41 pm
small bean wrote:
I always tell my kids that you need add the word being before a description. The computer is being stupid. The computer is not stupid. My friend is being mean, my friend is not mean.


Oooh, I like that better. I can't remember, but I think we also switched sentence structure around. I know I emphasized that I don't like something someone did, but I still like the person, etc. I dislike actions, not people - because anyone can do teshuvah.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 2:22 pm
small bean wrote:
I always tell my kids that you need add the word being before a description. The computer is being stupid. The computer is not stupid. My friend is being mean, my friend is not mean.


I don't think saying "Mommy is being stupid" is acceptable.
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small bean




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 2:23 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
I don't think saying "Mommy is being stupid" is acceptable.


When it is to me. I dont comment, I rephrase.

I was adding to the post above me.
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small bean




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 2:25 pm
And just too add mommy could be stupid and mean and wrong and a lot of other things. There is just a way to Express it that is respectful. Calling stupid is disrespectful. Saying mom you are misunderstanding me, would be fine. Or mom I think it is unfair that..
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#BestBubby




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 2:25 pm
amother [ Pearl ] wrote:
If my child calls me stupid, they know full well they did something wrong. There is no teaching in that moment. Punishment, ignoring and telling them how its wrong rude or not allowed isn't going to do a thing. It will not teach the child respect. Your reaction will control the situation.

I ignore what or how my child is speaking, behaving or doing and focus on how the child is feeling.

It will usually come from:
-Tired/hungry
-Feeling ignored or unloved
-Feeling like I'm not listening
-Just needs some time and attention
-Upset about something in the day and needs to talk about it


It has NOTHING to do with calling me stupid.

ALL "negative behavior" will stem from something else.

Children deserve respect, love and affection always. Even when they are doing something "wrong".


Timeout, being ignored, punished will push them away.

Would YOU like to be sent away from a loved one when you are frustrated about something and expressing it ? Or would you like someone to say: hey, I can see you're having a hard time - whats bothering you, what do you need - I'm here to support you! Lets find a way to make you feel better.

When we behave and react appropriately and from an emotionally healthy loving place, our children will model this and learn what real respect looks like. Blowing up on them will only make them lose respect.



Of course at the end of the day, in a time when its calm -we can always say hey - remember we don't call people stupid. Lets use kind respectful words so we don't hurt anyones feelings. That is real teaching that will be heard.


If a husband called his wife stupid would you be excusing or calling husband
an abuser?

When you allow child to call parent "stupid" you are raising child to be an abuser.

Why do you think adult abusers act this way? Because their parents taught them
that this is acceptable!
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small bean




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 2:28 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
If a husband called his wife stupid would you be excusing or calling husband
an abuser?

When you allow child to call parent "stupid" you are raising child to be an abuser.

Why do you think adult abusers act this way? Because their parents taught them
that this is acceptable!


Maybe I'm abusive but I'll tell my husband you are being obnoxious. And I dont think there is something wrong with saying you ar being stupid. My husband is not stupid, I didnt even say he is stupid. I'm saying he is currently acting in a stupid way.

I don't think you should talk like that in front of kids, but I dont think it is abuse.
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amother




Red


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 2:29 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
If a husband called his wife stupid would you be excusing or calling husband
an abuser?

When you allow child to call parent "stupid" you are raising child to be an abuser.

Why do you think adult abusers act this way? Because their parents taught them
that this is acceptable!

If a husband cries and expects his wife to feed him and bathe him, would you be excusing him or calling him a sicko? Should we not feed and bathe our children?
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amother




Firebrick


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 2:49 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
If a husband called his wife stupid would you be excusing or calling husband
an abuser?

When you allow child to call parent "stupid" you are raising child to be an abuser.

Why do you think adult abusers act this way? Because their parents taught them
that this is acceptable!


LOL

I'm also raising my child think it's ok to suck from mommy's boobs. And use a pacifier. And suck their fingers. And wipe their boogers on the wall. And fight with siblings. And make fart jokes.

Oh wait a second. These are all age appropriate behaviors for certain ages? With proper guidance (such as a reminder to talk respectfully) they won't be doing this under the Chupah? Why did no one ever tell me that?
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amother




Lavender


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 3:46 pm
amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:
Probably your oldest too!
I hope all your kids are that easy!


I don’t know how you got that she’s easy history because I said I wouldn’t tolerate her calling me stupid. She’s whiny and stubborn, she can be bossy and bratty and uses words like poop and fart way more often than I’d like. She’s not particularly easy or special. She just has parents who wouldn’t tolerate that sort of talk.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 4:03 pm
amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:
LOL

I'm also raising my child think it's ok to suck from mommy's boobs. And use a pacifier. And suck their fingers. And wipe their boogers on the wall. And fight with siblings. And make fart jokes.

Oh wait a second. These are all age appropriate behaviors for certain ages? With proper guidance (such as a reminder to talk respectfully) they won't be doing this under the Chupah? Why did no one ever tell me that?


But there are plenty of adults who think its ok to call their spouse stupid - or
worse. This is not something that all naturally outgrow.
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amother




Mustard


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 4:09 pm
I'm sorry this entire thread is really making me scratch my head. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT 4 YEAR OLDS. I don't know if all your kids are just way more mature than mine but I'm not sitting down with him and having deep discussions about psychology.
My child is acting his age, either by using bad words that he thinks are hilarious or by hitting, pushing...and I'm reacting based on his age. Yes, if my 8 year old, or 10 yr old or 12 yr old did this I'd react very differently
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amother




Firebrick


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 4:14 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
But there are plenty of adults who think its ok to call their spouse stupid - or
worse. This is not something that all naturally outgrow.


Most don't. And not one of us advocated encouraging this mode of speech. Kids learn largely by example so if they see me speaking respectfully to them, to my husband and family, to friends and people I encounter, that has the biggest impact.
And I DO tell them how to speak properly. I ask them to rephrase respectfully. That will teach them and eventually they'll grow out of it; it's not fun to call mommy stupid if it doesn't bother her, and she ignores that behavior. They'd rather say "please mommy can I have..." or "I am feeling upset," which garners them immediate praise or acknowledgement from me. They slip up every now and then, sometimes more often, but they will certainly learn. I am sure of that.
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amother




Cyan


Post  Sun, Dec 08 2019, 4:14 pm
If it bothers you, put a stop to it. Teach him he's not allowed to call you stupid- be extremely clear- none of this "its not nice to call people not nice names." You need to define the exact behavior that he's not allowed to do. No calling mommy stupid. After teaching him, the next time he does it punish him, the same way you'd punish him if he did a bad action like potching or throwing sharp objects etc. This is assuming it bothers you personally, not if it bothers the immamother community or your parents or your friends, if it bothers YOU. If it doesn't bother you- ignore it.
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saw50st8




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Dec 09 2019, 8:07 am
It depends on the situation. If my child is angry/hungry/tired, I'll likely ignore it.

If my child is really upset, but seems able to process, I'll rephrase it for them and say something like "I think you meant to say you are mad at mommy because..."

It is absolutely age appropriate behavior. Not all kids show any specific type of behavior or are much better at controlling it. Emotional regulation and control is very different for each child.

OP, I recommend reading "Raising Human Beings"
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