I hate Chanukah | Imamother

amother

Mon, Dec 09 2019, 7:03 pm

No I did not experience trauma at this time of year.

Don't think anyone will really understand because I don't really understand myself but I'll give it a try.
It's nothing to do with Chanukah in specific.
I have a very good marriage in general bh.
My husband is very spiritual type, he likes learning Kabbalah, and such type of stuff.
He's extremely smart, and likes knowing the truth about everything- he doesn't go for bogus or fluff.
In a nutshell, he basically has this beautiful, authentic connection to Judiasm and Gd that for some unfortunate reason ticks me off in the wrong way.
I'm probably just jealous.
It gets on my nerves when he goes to the mikvah, or holds the Kiddush cup a certain
way because kabbalistically you're meant to or does other holy stuff like that. Things that have absolutely no affect on my life, so I have absolutely no right to notice them, let alone complain.

So on Chanukah, the prayers he says before and after candle lighting and the way he lights tick me off also.
It just bothers me and makes me feel horribly insecure. Don't know why.

You all probably think I'm absolutely crazy. And maybe I am. Crying

weasley

Mon, Dec 09 2019, 7:05 pm

Growing up I hated chanukah. There were no presents and no chanukah gelt. We'd get doughnuts for one of the nights.

It was so embarrassing coming to school having to hear all the conversations of what everyone got and stumbling on words when asked what I got.

Plus the having to pretend it was so exciting made it that whole lot sadder.

Now I try disassociate chanukah with my childhood and make it something beautiful for my kids. I want it to be so happy that even now that we dont have money for presents or gelt (which is my childhood nightmare coming true) there will hopefully be something exciting that they'll enjoy each night be it a family game or homemade treat.

thunderstorm

Mon, Dec 09 2019, 7:13 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don’t think you are crazy at all. I hear you. Is there any part though that you DO like? Do you enjoy the singing ? Can you focus on the parts that you like? Like the glow of the candles, a game of competitive dreidel, a taste of crispy latkes?

zaq

Mon, Dec 09 2019, 7:20 pm

I adore Chanukah for all the reasons listed in my post above. I don’t get invited to many (or any) parties, I don’t throw parties, I don’t have a huge and hugely entertaining family to get together with and I’m not particularly fond of playing dreidel. But I love the menorah lighting, love singing the songs (even the old ones no one knows but yours truly), love putting up the little that remains of the decorations my dc made 15-25 years ago, and yes, I love latkes, hate the heartburn they produce, and make them only once in all 8 days, if that.

What I hate is the sheer, obtrusive, pervasive, invasive , overwhelming, overdone, inescapable Xmas-themed everything that saturates the environment this time of year. Especially the relentless insanity-producing tinny carols belching out from every radio commercial, retail store, medical and dental office, security guard’s station, elevator, office building lobby, hair and nail salon, bus station and sidewalk vendor’s stand in Western civilization.

amother

Coral

Mon, Dec 09 2019, 7:29 pm

I love Chanukah for so many reasons, love the candles, love making memories for my kids (we don't have money for presents or generous chanukah gelt) but every day we do something - play dreidel, giant chocolate coin, dance to music, late night car ride, last year I made apple fritters for the first time - cheap and easy and took 10 minutes and delicious - and I make hundreds of baked mini doughnuts that I let my kids have pretty much as many as they like (one child has allergies so cant have bakery doughnuts, and these arent even fried but the kids love them).
But I especially love Chanukah because it's a woman's holiday (according to the talmud), and am pretty 'religious' about taking at least half hour to just sit and enjoy watching, while DH takes control of the supper chaos, and I even 'let' him do bedtime and extend my break longer than half hour. OP, if your husband is so machmir, and you say he's a good guy, perhaps this is something for you to take on, to get a break, but also to use the time to just observe the joy and peacefulness in the house (hopefully) and be able to appreciate.

amother

Red

Mon, Dec 09 2019, 7:43 pm

weasley wrote:

We never got chanukah presents not because there was no money for it but because my parents didnt believe in the whole thing. Yes my classmates got chanukah presents and I didnt but I was fine because I knew my bday was around the corner and Ill get something then. Thats not a reason to hate chanukah. I had a very stable home we did special family time every night of chanukah and we had parties with the grandparents. I LOVED Chanukah!

FranticFrummie

Mon, Dec 09 2019, 8:44 pm

OP, I'm sorry you're having such a reaction to Chanukah. It sounds really hard. Can you tell yourself that it's the yetzer hara trying to annoy you so that you can't connect to Hashem?

I love Chanukah, but I'm dreading it. This will be the first year I'll be completely alone. I can go out to friend's, but I'll be with their families, and somehow that makes it feel even worse.

I love to give. I love to shop for other people, cook for other people, and generally make other people happy. I don't have any of that this year. I really need to find something to do with myself, so I won't get stuck in depression.

zaq

Mon, Dec 09 2019, 8:45 pm

What I’m hearing is that you believe your dh to be superior to you because you think he has a deeper and more genuine connection to G-d and Yiddishkeit than you. You find his various rituals to be proof of that superior spirituality, resent them because you feel they highlight your lack thereof, and hate holidays because they involve still more rituals and thus more coals of fire heaped on your head.

Would I be correct in assuming yourJewish education is less extensive than your dh, or you came to Yiddishkeit later than he did? You feel insecure because you don’t know what is genuine halachic requirement, what is admirable extra, and what may be, forgive my bluntness, nothing but your dh’s mishegoss (or someone else’s that he adopted)? Maybe you never heard of anyone doing all the stuff dh does, don’t know anyone else who does, and maybe in a tiny corner of your mind you believe, and resent, that dh is showing off. (Yes, there is such a thing as ostentatious piety and it is not considered a good thing.) Maybe you fear that he is in the process of “flipping out” religiously and worry about what restrictions he may insist that you follow before long.

You should discuss this with a religious advisor whose judgement you trust and whose hashkafa parallels your own, if only to get a more professional opinion about the validity of what your dh is doing. Maybe dh is being true to his family background, or maybe he really is going off the deep end. Either way, you don’t need to become a Kabbalist just because he is. Nor do you or anyone else need to become a Kabbalist to be a good Jew and to have a genuine relationship with G-d. Probably you’re a rationalist: if reading Rambam makes you sit up and say “Aha! I thought so!” , you almost definitely are.

Follow your own path. If you’re a religious minimalist, or a rationalist, or both; if you don’t go for showy piety; if you try to connect to G-d through standard prayers and fulfilling mitzvot in an unadorned, no-frills way; that doesn’t make you “less than” and your dh “more than” any more than a house decorated in Danish Modern style is inferior to one filled with Baroque furnishings. Your approach may even be more genuine and more direct, without the distractions of excessively ritualistic activity.

Even if you don’t sense the sort of emotional connection that you think your dh enjoys and that you yearn for, don’t despair. That may come to you in time, but even if it never does, you are not an inferior Jew. Unlike certain sects that follow the man from Nazareth, we don’t consider mystical Rapture to be essential to our faith. What is essential is serving G-d by following His commandments.

Bottom line, you don’t know that your dh has a truer relationship with G-d than you have; all you know is that his way is fancier and more mystical and he gives the APPEARANCE of having a deeper connection. Fancier and more mystical is not necessarily better. Be true to yourself and serve G-d the way that makes sense to you, proudly and without apology.

Last edited by zaq on Mon, Dec 09 2019, 8:52 pm; edited 1 time in total