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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Getting a 12-year-old a phone
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 12:36 pm
DD's therapist informed me yesterday that I need to get DD (age 12, 7th grade) a phone because her lack of one is hindering her social life (I'm summarizing).
My philosophy has always been that DD is too young for a phone but the truth is, she is monopolizing my phone more and more plus I'm rethinking my stance for various reasons.

Does your 12-year-old have a phone? What helped you be comfortable with the decision, if it was a debate whether or not to get one? What parameters/rules should we be placing on her phone usage?

(P.S. if you have recommendations for which phone to get I posted in the technology forum)
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amother
Navy


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 12:40 pm
Where I live, no children that age have phones, except for emergency phones. I would give my child a phone if it were the norm in my community, but I wouldn't allow it at dinner or right before bedtime, and it wouldn't be private.
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 12:50 pm
There are apps with parental controls that you could get, if you want to be able to limit certain things. Also the phone it's self might have parental controls. Is there a rep with your service you can call and ask? They might be able to guide you
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amother
Gold


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 1:55 pm
My kids are young, but I'm a teacher and I hear about this issue a lot with parents. Aside from limiting what's accessible on the phone, consider the amount of screentime. One of my coworkers has a rule that everyone in their family leaves their phone downstairs when they go to bed at night. I think it's really important to have that boundary because my middle school students tell me they're up late texting and browsing, and it can create really unhealthy habits and lead to mental health issues. You might also want to have rules about mealtimes and other times she can't use the phone.
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chillax




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 1:58 pm
No way, and I doubt anyone in my daughter's class has one.
Maybe in more modern circles/schools it's more of a thing.
What does she need a phone for? What is she doing on your phone? Games and stuff? Or communicating with people?
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amother
Black


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 1:58 pm
I live in the NY area. 12 is way too young in our circles.
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s c




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 2:22 pm
I let my kids have a phone when they start high school because thats when they start travelling on their own to and from school so I feel it's a safety issues. But only basic phones with calls and texts and I dont find that these phones distract them greatly at all.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 2:27 pm
Do all her friends have a phone that the lack of one is hindering her social life? 12 is way too young to have her own phone. Accept if she needs it for safety issues, I would only get one with talk and text. That's it. For sure not a smartphone.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 2:35 pm
This is very dependent on your circles. In some circles 12 year olds having phones is standard and in others even high schoolers don't have them.

I gave my daughters "dumb" flip phones with texting and voice call in 10th grade and filtered smartphones in 12th. This was a little after most of their peers but not enough to hinder them socially. They also had (parentally controlled) tablets since age 12. At first all they could do was read books on them and I slowly added things/eased restrictions as they got older and were more responsible. By age 18 all parental controlls are off.

I call my approach technology on training wheels. In our circles adults use technology and my goal is to train my children to use it responsibly. This is not because of any religious philosophy but just plain common sense IMHO.

I have seen young adults who were banned from using smartphones etc.... completely and as soon as they could they got their own without any education about using it responsibly.

OP, if you will be getting your child a phone I strongly suggest starting with strict parental controls. Talking all the time about online safety. Before you know it she'll be an adult and now is your chance to train her in responsible use of technology.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 2:37 pm
My daughter was the last person in her class to get a phone (and it was a dummy phone at that.) This was after the 8th grade. (She was the only one in junior high who didn't have a phone.) I finally had to get her a smartphone when she started the 11th grade. She was the only one in her whole high school who didn't have one. I didn't get it for social reasons. She needed it for her school work. (Even the previous year it was a hindrance that she didn't have one. (Things change so quickly. Her sister who was 4 years ahead of her in the same school didn't need one to do her schoolwork in high school.)
Basically, it depends on her circles. If just about everyone has one, I would say you need to get one for her. She needs it for her benefit and for your relationship with her.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 3:20 pm
I had this issue with my ds . I got him a flip phone when he was 14 . also with boundaries and rules. he is in yashiva most of the day so he has it maybe for 2 hours till he goes to sleep , he has kosher screen time on it, im not too happy about him able to watch video but I dont feel there is anything I can do. His friends all have it I had to get used to it. My 15 year old I didnt get 1 when he was younger so he went himself to purchase 1
And now I dont have any say over it, I mean I try to talk to him and try to teach him boundaries but hes 15 and it doesnt always work what I say. ..just telling it to u that sometimes its better to get it and u keep the relationship healthy and while they happy we parents get it for them because sometimes we can loose then and they can find a way to get it themselves ... all circles and children are different so u u need to know your own child to know how to go about it.
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 3:29 pm
I would allow a flip phone.
I had one at age 10 and this was around 15 years ago.
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SingALong




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 9:28 pm
I have 1 house line. 3 teen daughters. We need more lines or it’s war. And no one can get through to me. My girls go to the grocery for me, will take the little ones out for pizza, go shopping with friends. I need tHem to have a phone in case they’re stuck or something. I got the dumb flip phones with call and text only, disabled WiFi with tag. They do use their phones at night to speak to friends as if it’s a n additional phone line.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 9:39 pm
Yes, 12 year old has a phone and most of classmates have one as well.

It can be very useful in case your child wants to reach you and you are at work, it's how you use it, if you trust your child to use it responsibly, why not?

If her therapist thinks that she should have one and if she's the only one without, maybe you should think about it.
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Odelyah




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 9:52 pm
I assume by phone you mean smartphone? some posters I think are responding as if we are talking about a non-smartphone. this is a very important distinction.
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essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 11 2019, 1:54 am
In my circles, kids get dumb phones as young as first or second grade. Kids have a lot of independence here and they need to be able to contact their parents in case of emergency.
Most of my kids' friends had smartphones by age 12 and we did the same.
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Mayflower




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 11 2019, 4:45 am
Odelyah wrote:
I assume by phone you mean smartphone? some posters I think are responding as if we are talking about a non-smartphone. this is a very important distinction.


This. I would get a 12 yo a non-smartphone, just text & talk. It makes sense that you should be able to reach your child when they start going out (to friends/to shops/etc.) on their own.

A smartphone? My kids can get one when they get married.
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 11 2019, 5:52 am
I'm part of a fairly liberal MO community and though my kids have had a "dumb phone" since they were 9 and started walking places by themselves, I have no intention of getting them a smartphone by age 12 or anywhere near that.

They have (controlled) access to (monitored) technology at home via tablets and a shared laptop, the latter of which they could use for social media if/when they express interest. But a phone to me represents something bigger and scarier, too much unrestricted access to the outside world and the predators that live there (this to me has nothing to do with Judaism even, this is about raising children in a world far different from the one where I grew up, where they now have easy access to things children's mind aren't capable of processing and to people who do not have their best interests at heart).
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amother
Peach


 

Post Wed, Dec 11 2019, 7:26 am
My question is, do you trust your therapist?
Different circles have different norms and unless you are looking for reinforcement of not having a phone, asking this random group is likely not going to really address your specific needs.
IRL this is not really a secret conversation. Discuss it with either your daughter's friend's parents or your friends with children a few (but not too many) years older.

My DD had phones at 11- they "need"them for bat mitzvahs (or at least they think they do). I was not in favor, but I was one of the last hold-outs, and socially it really was necessary.

I am not advocating giving her a phone, but socially it might be important and that is dependent on your community.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 11 2019, 8:08 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
DD's therapist informed me yesterday that I need to get DD (age 12, 7th grade) a phone because her lack of one is hindering her social life (I'm summarizing).
My philosophy has always been that DD is too young for a phone but the truth is, she is monopolizing my phone more and more plus I'm rethinking my stance for various reasons.

Does your 12-year-old have a phone? What helped you be comfortable with the decision, if it was a debate whether or not to get one? What parameters/rules should we be placing on her phone usage?

(P.S. if you have recommendations for which phone to get I posted in the technology forum)


I've only read the first post, sorry.
But what is your school policy?
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