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Does being rich equal better shalom bayis?
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:14 pm
Dh and I don't get on very well. 90 percent of what we fight about is money. Dh has been unemployed for about 3 years now unfortunately and doesn't seem to be doing much to change his circumstances. I am going a bit crazy from it and when thinking about it, I realized that our fighting is all about money. If dh had a job, I would respect him more, feel less annoyed by him just hanging around and would feel less pressured by anxious thoughts regarding money.

I am thinking that if he got a job, 90 percent of my shalom bayis problems will be gone.

What do you think? Am I kidding myself? Or do the rich have better shalom bayis overall
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amother
Silver


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:16 pm
I think it's definitely true. Because we can afford help, we have much better shalom bayis than we would if we couldn't afford help. If we were very rich, I would get full time help.
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:25 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Dh and I don't get on very well. 90 percent of what we fight about is money. Dh has been unemployed for about 3 years now unfortunately and doesn't seem to be doing much to change his circumstances. I am going a bit crazy from it and when thinking about it, I realized that our fighting is all about money. If dh had a job, I would respect him more, feel less annoyed by him just hanging around and would feel less pressured by anxious thoughts regarding money.

I am thinking that if he got a job, 90 percent of my shalom bayis problems will be gone.

What do you think? Am I kidding myself? Or do the rich have better shalom bayis overall


The problem isnt your lack of money, it's that your husband isnt getting a job.

My take is that being rich doesnt prevent people from having sb problems. But not having money can be a major cause of SB problems
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:25 pm
Honestly, it probably helps.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:31 pm
It is known that majority of marital issues revolve around money. But it’s still not a guarantee that all would be rosy. My own sister was married to someone wealthy and money was never an issue. However , he abused her emotionally and physically. He told her not to get a job because she didn’t need to work , but really this was a way for him to be able to control her and she be dependent on him. She had a full time nanny to take care of her kids and to clean and she lived in a beautiful spacious home. Yet, with each day he stole a piece of her away from her until she was left to be an empty shell. Baruch HaShem she left him and is thriving as a single mom. She does struggle with money now but is in a much better place emotionally and physically.
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amother
Jade


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:34 pm
I know this sounds funny, but my sholom bayis improved when I got a job. It seems that with the pressure of being the only breadwinner off his head, dh is much calmer. Which I guess is not really the answer for you because your dh needs a job, even if it's below his pay grade.
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Refine




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:41 pm
Sholom bayis is best when you're married to a mench (and are one yourself).
What if he had a huge inheritance and he still did nothing productive all day?
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amother
Azure


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:43 pm
A lot of couples do fight about money. But there are so many other things couples fight about too. For example many fight about parenting, religion, relations, health, being organized vs not being organized and so on.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:47 pm
amother [ Jade ] wrote:
I know this sounds funny, but my sholom bayis improved when I got a job. It seems that with the pressure of being the only breadwinner off his head, dh is much calmer. Which I guess is not really the answer for you because your dh needs a job, even if it's below his pay grade.

I'm working full full time Sad
Dh is getting depressed about everything and isnt putting 2 and 2 tog that its prob since he is doing nothing all day. He denies he's depressed, denies having any issues etc. But anyway we are both good ppl and that's what kills me more. I feel like we have the ability to have amazing shalom bayis if he would get a decent job. Sad
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amother
Jade


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:51 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I'm working full full time Sad
Dh is getting depressed about everything and isnt putting 2 and 2 tog that its prob since he is doing nothing all day. He denies he's depressed, denies having any issues etc. But anyway we are both good ppl and that's what kills me more. I feel like we have the ability to have amazing shalom bayis if he would get a decent job. Sad


Oy, I'm so sorry.

Yes, he's probably depressed because he's doing nothing and needs to get a job - any job, I know, easier said than done. Is there anybody at all who can talk him into this? Be cause the longer he stays home the more depressed he's going to get Sad. Honestly, I'm surprised he's still sane after being home three years, there's no way I would be...

This is not about being rich - it's about normal living.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:54 pm
amother [ Jade ] wrote:
Oy, I'm so sorry.

Yes, he's probably depressed because he's doing nothing and needs to get a job - any job, I know, easier said than done. Is there anybody at all who can talk him into this? Be cause the longer he stays home the more depressed he's going to get Sad. Honestly, I'm surprised he's still sane after being home three years, there's no way I would be...

This is not about being rich - it's about normal living.


He is in therapy but for "childhood issues". He did grow up with a sense of entitlement and I think it carries through to why he isnt desperately looking for a job. His father pays the rent, we get major tuition discounts so I his head the bills are paid. But he is such a nice giving guy and I just wish I could get through to him. Many ppl have tried unsuccessfully. My family knows nothing of this.
Which brings me back to if we would be rich, our shalom bayis, at least in my head, would be amazing.
Which is why im curious as to others opinion on the subjecy
Thanks for the support it really does help
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 7:57 pm
Oh, and I should add he doesnt think he is depressed or needs a job so badly since he claims he's busy all day with errands and such so he isnt just sitting around.

Didn't mean to make this thread personal!
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:04 pm
I think it’s two things.
1. Being rich and not having a reason to hop out of bed in the morning and a good healthy schedule is no good!
2. Being tight on money stresses a marriage. Even a good marriage.
So in my opinion you have two strikes against your shalom bayis situation.
Sorry you’re going through this!
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:08 pm
Studies show that being moderately wealthy helps.
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amother
Jade


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:10 pm
I once heard a couple arguing over whether the Tylenol bottle she had just bought was necessary. So yeah, when you are that tight that buying a bottle of Tylenol is going to blow your budget, you're always going to be fighting because it's his needs versus her needs.

But even couples who are comfortable can fight over where to prioritize their money, should they spend or should they save, should they buy that vacation home or put away money for the future instead. Money is always a hot spot, I think.
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wantavaca




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:28 pm
I hate to tell you this op, but some people have a more difficult time dealing with life stressors than others. If he is in this category, chances are things would be hard for him in one area or another- no matter how much money you had.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:32 pm
I Think so. I would say 80% of our problems are money related.
One question: it could be that he is not looking for a job and not doing anything about the situation bc he know that in the end of the day you are gonna pay the bills, so he is comfortable on this situation ?
What if you threaten that you are gonna work just part time?
I n the beggining of our marriage I would work while he would plAy on the computer ,Sleep and Watch series, besides not having money I became very resentful of him and lost respect for him. I tried everything : talking nicely ,screaming ,crying ...the ONLY THING that worked was when I decided it was not my responsibility to make money. So I told him that I was gonna work a lot hours less and gonna earn half of what I was earning . He was petrified . We wouldn’t have how to pay our bills . But I was sure about my decision. until now he knew I was taking care of it so he wouldn’t bother trying.
So he started taking things more seriously and now he is working . We still aren’t on the financial situation that I wish for but we are better that before
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 8:34 pm
Many rich people are rich because one or both spouses work way too hard and way too many hours. (Often business ppl). So then the job creates the distance because they never see each other. Stereotypical rich man buys spoiled wife extravagant gifts but all she wants is an hour to talk to him.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Tue, Dec 10 2019, 9:33 pm
OP, it will not help your shalom bayis thinking about what he needs to do. I know you wish he acted differently, but maybe that's just the way he is and he won't change. Try to do the best you can for you to earn more and be loving, I know it's hard but since the amount you have won't change so quickly, it's better to have shalom bayis than to keep fighting over money. Try to think of his qualities, what does he do that is good and contributes to the family?
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Wed, Dec 11 2019, 12:55 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Dh has been unemployed for about 3 years now unfortunately and doesn't seem to be doing much to change his circumstances.


Op, I strongly urge you to go for counseling. It may be that your dh has anxiety and that is why he is not doing what he needs to do to either pursue another job or change careers altogether. Dr. Rochelle Presby lives in Highland Park, NJ and does career counseling for guys learning in Kollel who are hesitant to take the big leap. (The Yeshivos do not offer this service, unfortunately.)
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