DD8 asked me what a period is

small bean

Thu, Dec 12 2019, 8:35 am

banana123 wrote:

What did you tell your daughter about relations?
My mother gave me one of those euphemistic explanations that made me think if I hug a man I'll get a baby in my tummy. When she said that's not how it works and she'll tell me when I get older I understood she's not a good person to talk to about this.

I actually first told her I dont know. She asked in middle of nowhere and my husband started laughing and was like of course mommy knows. So I backtracked and said, I meant I dont know how to explain it, let me think for a bit.

I then told her (she knows about periods and stuff although she didn't get it yet) that basically the egg gets fertilized by the man. I said just like a girl has parts to create a baby, a man has parts that create semen, which is the fertilizer for the baby. I told her the semen, goes into the women's body and meets the egg. Which then plants itself and a baby starts to be formed. So of course it begged the question how does it enter (she asked me that like a few weeks later) So I said, that a man's and women's body fit together like a puzzle piece and when parents lie together in a loving way, there is room for the sperm to enter the body. I told her when she is 13 (she was 11 when she asked), I will explain it further unless it is really bothering her and she cant get it out of her head. I said if you're thinking about it everyday, I'll give you more info now.

What's interesting is my kids have seen animals engage in relations a million times. They know how animals make babies. I dont know why they dont put it together.

My now 11 year old daughter, is obsessing about kissing and stuff. And I tell her that it is normal to want to kiss a boy, and to want to touch your spouse. And that when someone is married they can do whatever they want with their husbands. Their husband is more then their best friend. I have a hard time with balance here, because you dont want to give too much information here, (cuz it is tmi) but you want to let them know that intimacy is a want, and need, andenjoyable. And also that they are normal for noticing boys and having weird feelings.

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Dec 12 2019, 1:02 pm

[quote="small bean"]I actually first told her I dont know. She asked in middle of nowhere and my husband started laughing and was like of course mommy knows. So I backtracked and said, I meant I dont know how to explain it, let me think for a bit.

I then told her (she knows about periods and stuff although she didn't get it yet) that basically the egg gets fertilized by the man. I said just like a girl has parts to create a baby, a man has parts that create semen, which is the fertilizer for the baby. I told her the semen, goes into the women's body and meets the egg. Which then plants itself and a baby starts to be formed. So of course it begged the question how does it enter (she asked me that like a few weeks later) So I said, that a man's and women's body fit together like a puzzle piece and when parents lie together in a loving way, there is room for the sperm to enter the body. I told her when she is 13 (she was 11 when she asked), I will explain it further unless it is really bothering her and she cant get it out of her head. I said if you're thinking about it everyday, I'll give you more info now.

What's interesting is my kids have seen animals engaging in relations a million times. They know how animals make babies. I dont know why they dont put it together.

Just curious, where/how?

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Dec 12 2019, 2:39 pm

My dd is 8.5 and starting with breast buds. I and my mother got our period when we were 10-10.5. I think I'll have to tell her by this summer, she'll be 9 already but I have a feeling she may get hers before she's 10. She's as tall as my 11.5 yr old son.

She happens to be very mature and can handle a heavy conversation but I am afraid of her telling her brother or friends who's mothers won't be happy that their non-developed daughters know so early.

She actually knows what pads are as her older sister has them around sometimes but she told her that they can catch urine if it comes out. I didn't correct her as it's not a lie exactly but I didn't want to get into it at the moment (I think it was at the kitchen table...)

small bean

Thu, Dec 12 2019, 7:03 pm

[quote="amother [ Firebrick ]"]

small bean wrote:

I actually first told her I dont know. She asked in middle of nowhere and my husband started laughing and was like of course mommy knows. So I backtracked and said, I meant I dont know how to explain it, let me think for a bit.

I then told her (she knows about periods and stuff although she didn't get it yet) that basically the egg gets fertilized by the man. I said just like a girl has parts to create a baby, a man has parts that create semen, which is the fertilizer for the baby. I told her the semen, goes into the women's body and meets the egg. Which then plants itself and a baby starts to be formed. So of course it begged the question how does it enter (she asked me that like a few weeks later) So I said, that a man's and women's body fit together like a puzzle piece and when parents lie together in a loving way, there is room for the sperm to enter the body. I told her when she is 13 (she was 11 when she asked), I will explain it further unless it is really bothering her and she cant get it out of her head. I said if you're thinking about it everyday, I'll give you more info now.

What's interesting is my kids have seen animals engaging in relations a million times. They know how animals make babies. I dont know why they dont put it together.

Just curious, where/how?

We have a bunch of animals. My son when he was 4 watched a goat give birth to twins. I was in my 9th month and he still thinks babys come out from my bellybutton.

My bigger kids all know where babya are born from. I've told them the labor is pretty similar to a human.

It is weird because my girls can tell you about cervical discharge in an animal but when I spoke to them about it they were surprised that humans have this as well.

So far my oldest daughter is a late bloomer, she hasn't started anything yet and will be 13 in a few weeks.

Ruchel

Fri, Dec 13 2019, 2:10 am

They may not see it as s-x, or as reproduction

My kids have actually seen a goat, though it was a difficult pregnancy rofl so I took them out for the expulsion just in case (twins, and yes there was intervention but bh they were ok) in a farm.

They've been to a pregnancy exposition ina museum.

But many religious schools don't teach reproduction, either nothing or "after the baby has started", and I think there's ample time. if they do end up hearing from friends, as we did - I said they can ask me or dh anything that concerns them. That's my hishtadlus on this. I wasn't affected by the drivel the kids tell each other since the time is time.

banana123

Fri, Dec 13 2019, 3:57 am

small bean wrote:

Thank you so much! I'm really impressed with how you handled it.
I think I'm going to try that.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Dec 13 2019, 5:49 am

It doesn't matter when a girl is expected to start her period, you need to answer the question when it comes up. Even if she won't start until around 13, you can explain at 8, so she has time to become comfortable with the idea. Nobody likes a last minute surprise.

I told DD that she has a special place in her body, (NOT a tummy!) called a uterus, and that it's like a flower pot. It gets full of wonderful soil and proteins, and it waits all month for a seed. If there is no seed, the flower pot pushes out the old soil, and starts building up fresh soil for the next month. The soil is made out of old blood and protein that that seed needs to grow. It is not dirty, it is healthy. (We do a lot of gardening, so she knows what proper potting soil is like, as opposed to dirt.) She was fine with that.

It wasn't until several years later when she asked me "Mama, how does the baby get IN there?" LOL

I had to try not to laugh, it was so cute. I told her that the man has a special part that plants the baby seed, and together with mommy they make a baby.

It was another year later, and she heard about a single lady who got pregnant. She couldn't figure out how on earth anyone could get pregnant without a husband. It was the weirdest thing she'd ever heard, and was absolutely shocked!

All this time I had been telling her that Hashem was involved with giving people babies, and she wanted to know why Hashem would give a baby to a woman without a husband. That was a whole different conversation. Confused

watergirl

Fri, Dec 13 2019, 6:07 am

keym wrote:

She asked you a question.
You said you would answer later.
You need to bring it up and answer her.
Otherwise, she'll assume that she asks personal questions and you brush her off.
Period is easy.
A girls body has to prepare itself in order to become a Mommy. Every month blood goes in the uterus- the pocket where babies live in the mothers belly. If the Mommy doesn't become pregnant that month, the blood comes out of the private areas. It sounds a little ewwy and gross, but it's really important because it shows that the woman is healthy enough to have babies.

Perfect. This is perfect.

OP, there will always be books. There will always be cousins, friends at camp, a tampon commercial on the train... something. She asked you. Don't you want the information to be correct and to come from you?

I am bothered that you feel this information would take away her innocence. This is how Hashem made us. What is not innocent about that?

I told my daughter mostly what keym said. I added - Hashem is so amazing. He prepares our bodies to become mothers. Of course, we are too young to become mothers now, but when you are older, you will be very happy to know that Hashem has this cool thing to protect a baby!
And then I segued into a conversation about how Hashem makes the most complex systems in our body that no machine could ever do. Did you know that NASA's most complicated and fancy lens is nothing compared to the human eye? There was a whole shiur on the topic, its amazing!

Ma raabu maasecha Hashem!

seeker

Fri, Dec 13 2019, 7:16 am

OP you're lucky. I wish my kid were asking me that. I know I should discuss it before it becomes relevant, but I'm having a hard time figuring out when and how to bring it up! I tried to start by discussing general changes to expect approaching puberty but she was like "yeah whatever can you go away now please?" so I'm not sure how to get to the next step! She really doesn't seem ready for this conversation but it's getting more necessary as time goes on.

amother

Brunette

Fri, Dec 13 2019, 7:21 am

I would explain to her what a period is so by the time it happens she will not be nervous and freak out . an older "10 year old" girl enlighten when I was eight years old. I asked my mother if it was true. she explained it all about menstruation leaving out the reproduction part. I actually didn't get my untill I was 11 but it was good to know in advance. the morning that I got my period I was in the bathroom and I yelled Mommy I'm bleeding she's like honey u got your period, do u remember we talked about it. I said Oh and it all made sense to me at and I was very calm about just put on a pad, took some tylenol for the pain and skipped school for the next 3 days. I think its important for all mothers to discuss a period before it happens this way the daughter does not freak out that something is seriously wrong with her. I plan on having a discussion with my daughter as well when it's time.

keym

Fri, Dec 13 2019, 7:25 am

seeker wrote:

I read somewhere about tying it in to some of the current Parsha stuff.
I think it's Rashi who says that Sarah laughed about Avraham being old and not her because she got her period right at that moment.
And after Yehuda was born, it says Leah stopped giving birth. I heard a shitta that her periods stopped.
And Rifka. The timeline according to one shita was that she was brought to Sarah's tent at 3, but marital life didn't start until she was 13. And then after another almost 10 years of no period, she became labeled an akara. They davened and Hashem performed a neis.

small bean

Fri, Dec 13 2019, 7:40 am

seeker wrote:

I would just take her for ice cream or something like that one night and tell her short, quick and to the point, if she is uncomfortable talking about it. And then tell her if she has questions or wants more info you're always available for her.

small bean

Fri, Dec 13 2019, 7:45 am

Btw an 8 year old is not usually mature enough to be saddled with this information. It is too much for them to wrap their heads around. I think that is what OP means by innocence. Not that knowing is bad but more kids shouldn't have to think or worry about these things.

I always feel bad when I hear kids who got their period at 9/10. It is very young to be busy with it.

It is not that periods is bad it is more the unknown for a tiny kid.

It is like telling a 3 year old that he will die one day. They cant process it and it will weigh heavy on them. Death is not a bad thing. It is part of human cycle

Chayalle

Fri, Dec 13 2019, 8:25 am

seeker wrote:

My oldest was very inquisitive - she asked tons of questions all the time - so it was easy to get to the conversation and fill in what she wanted to know.

My next one is happy-go-lucky, live-and-let-live, everything-goes type - I'm pretty sure that had I not introduced the topic, she would be one of those girls who suddenly woke up one day with a period without having ever noticed the conversations floating around her, etc....

But since my parenting mentor, Mrs. Trenk of Lakewood, says you gotta tell your kid by age 10 the latest, I knew I had to be the one to initiate. It definitely was harder since she wasn't asking questions, but one day, I just took the plunge. I was folding laundry, she was hanging around and the other kids were elsewhere, and I just said to her, you know honey, there's something I've been wanting to talk to you about now that you're growing up and becoming so mature, B"AH, and you're old enough to know more about this....and I took it from there.

It ended up being easier than I thought it would be. Once I told her, she was fascinated, and asked questions, etc...and came back with more as she got older and had more questions....

Just dive in. You're her mother, you can do it.

amother

Fri, Dec 13 2019, 10:20 am

small bean wrote:

Yes that’s exactly it. Thank you for articulating it.

LovesHashem

Sat, Dec 14 2019, 10:14 am

small bean wrote:

I hear you. Unfortunately we don't live an ideal world. People sometimes die when I kid is that young and you need to explain it. Nowadays many get their period that young so you need to explain it.

rosey

Sat, Dec 14 2019, 10:56 am

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

She happens to be very mature and can handle a heavy conversation but I am afraid of her telling her brother or friends who's mothers won't be happy that their non-developed daughters know so early.

Regarding this concern, when my daughter learned something I didn't want her discussing with others, my teacher told me to say something along the lines that not everyone is mature enough for this information, and it's best not to discuss it with friends. We've also discussed the difference between something that's private and something that's secret. It's not a bad thing to know or to discuss with the right person, but it's not something discussed with everyone.

It might have been phrased a little differently but I thought they were good ways to try to avoid information spreading. If anyone else knows of good ideas or phrases I would be happy to hear more, since we'll be approaching this topic soon, and I don't know if others in her class will.