How would u connect to him better?

amother

Thu, Dec 12 2019, 9:11 am

I have my ds he is 10 . He is making me such a hard time with everything. Like he never lets me fix him up in the morning. Before my ds leaves to school/yasiva I make sure they leave the house put together , like if I need to help him tuck in shirt or roll up his sleeves (sometimes sleeves too long) (hes not the most put together child by nature) and he needs help I should fix him up. So , when I'm there to fix him up and make sure he is dressed properly he just runs away from me every time. He never lets me touch him( not even kiss him) he for no money lets me brush or make his payes. when he does it it really doesnt come out right , I sometimes (when its overgrown) wanna cut his payes just a little bit it should hit chin length. I cannot talk him over to let me cut it. Its really messy his payes. About cutting I even stopped begging him .. but I get so annoyed that he wouldnt let me do his payes for him . Nothing! Every morning it causes such conflict between us. I feel he is terribly stubborn.
We gave a name to our youngest child a name I really dont like . So the plan was we going to call him just by one name . Everyone calls him by the one name we thought of and only my 10 year old keeps calling him by the second name which I dont like , and literally every time I have to fix him like call him lets say moishy . I keep repeating myself and it doesnt go into his head that we call him differently, I explained to him its not good because they go to cheider together and my 10 year old tells all his friends and everyone that he is called by the name he likes , it confuses my youngest child that @ home mommy calls him one way and friends differently because his older brother decided he wants to use that name. I keep telling him im the parent and u need to follow up with the parent in the house.

every morning I become upset with either his payes not made properly, or im trying to tuck him in or just fix him up a little and he runs away, I feel some how it really ruins our relationship. He is so stubborn! Its so hard to deal with this kid. I dont feel he takes me seriously. Im concerned how he will behave later on in life. I really wanna resolve this issue . I really need advice how to connect with him we should have a good relationship. I have the feeling that he thinks I dont like him because I need keep reminding him to let me take care of him and I tell him that a parents job is to make sure the they go to cheider put together... I can talk to the wole. Whenever he leaves to cheider I get so stressed out. Hes very close with my 5 year old my youngest child so my youngest always wants to copy my 10 year old with whatever he does and I keep telling my 5 year old that to run away when mommy wants to fix u or wanna make your payes is not good behavior and I tell him not to copy his 10 year old brother and I do say it in front of my 10 year old because I think maybe that will change his mind and become better @ it . Turns out 10 year old gets more hurt and broken when I talk to my younger one about it, So I would like to know if its fair what im expecting from him and that I talk to my younger child about needing behave better then his older brother? I feel he needs to learn it the hard way ... @ some point I made peace with myself that thats my type of child and I should just leave it, and I talk to myself a lot that it shouldn't bother me but in the end every morning it comes back to me that this behavior has to stop. It does bother me tremendously that he doesnt take what I say , I tell him all the older kids used to let me cut , brush, their payes and u dont have to be any different. I dont know anymore how to deal with this. He ends up going sad and broken in cheider , I end up staying home feeling the guilt that he left the house with us fighting. I even thought that I will have to start taking away a privilege or he wont earn surprises till he doesnt follow up with what I expect. Its hard a kid should always run away and be like DONT TOUCH ME kind of kid. Please can anyone help me with this??

the world's best mom

Thu, Dec 12 2019, 9:58 am

Looking presentable comes naturally for some kids, and not for others. It's okay to try to teach him to look more presentable, but there are some very important things to remember:

1- He is a child, and he is not misbehaving. He is doing what children do if they are the type who don't naturally like to look presentable. He should definitely not be losing privileges because he dislikes having his payos brushed. Many children dislike it, and they aren't misbehaving.

2- Instead of telling him numerous times or threatening to take away privileges, you may want to offer a small reward for each day he cooperates. Rewards tend to bring results, whereas taking away privileges only causes hurt feelings. He can choose a reward, and depending how big/expensive it is, you can have a star chart and he can earn it by cooperating for a week or a month or whatever you feel is appropriate for that size prize. For example, I have a child who dislikes getting dressed in the morning, and we've gone through numerous rewards that all worked beautifully. He earned a child size guitar over 40 days, chocolate for snack in one day, and a dollar coin in a week, all at different times. It's amazing how well these rewards work, like magic.

Also, I learned (from my experience with my son) that if I keep nagging him, he only gets upset. Instead, I give him a time that he needs to be ready by, and if he is ready, he gets his reward, if not he loses it. I will not keep reminding him.

3- Another very important thing. Many parenting experts talk about the 80:20 rule, saying that 80% of your interactions with your child should be positive, happy... and only 20% can be negative. I don't think that's always so realistic, but it is a good thing to keep in mind. If you have been nagging him so much in the mornings, you need to raise the amount of positive interactions in your relationship to match it.

I think your question was how to do this, and it may take some work on your part. If he doesn't like being touched or kissed, then that doesn't count as positive for him. But you can read a good book together- meaning you read to him, or if he enjoys reading, you can take turns. Take him out for pizza or something- just you and him. Play games with him- things that HE enjoys. It's crucial for him to have happy memories of time spent with you, and time spent alone with you is more valuable than with other kids around. That said, you have other kids and they're not going away. The happy times need to also take place with other kids around, because you can't limit it to when you can be alone with your son. As long as you are showing him that you enjoy his company, and allowing him to enjoy yours WITH NO NAGGING at all during that time, you will be accomplishing a lot.

imasinger

Thu, Dec 12 2019, 1:58 pm

A lot of good points here already.

Here are a few more.

- If you find a quiet time you can show him in a mirror how you expect him to look when he leaves the house, and review the things he needs to do to fix tzisis and payes right, then you won't be needing to be so hands on. You can say, "fix your tzisis the right way before I count to 20, ready, go!" and maybe make a game of it. Same with payes, though I think you should choose one thing to work on, get in a good habit, then do the other. This approach ties in nicely with a chart.

- The teasing about his brother's name might be a way to get your attention. If you are giving him tons and tons of positive attention for other things, he won't be as motivated to do it, and if he does it in front of you, just turn your back on him. If he loses attention by this behavior instead of gaining attention, it won't be as interesting. Younger brother is also old enough to say, "my name is ____" if he cares. And if he doesn't, let it go. He's also old enough not to be confused about it.

- At a calm time, ask him about touch. One of my kids hated kisses from me, said they were "too tickly". Depending on his answer, you can ask him if there's a "more mature" form of contact (high five), or if he would rather get a hug, a pat on the shoulder, a thumbs up.

- If he's feeling like you are babying him, look for responsibilities he could take on. A household chore or two. The more you can thank him for his contribution to the family, the better he will feel.

- If something else is bothering him, and this is his way of letting you know he's unhappy, then follow up with school and pediatrician.

Hatzlacha!

amother

Jade

Thu, Dec 12 2019, 5:47 pm

Piggybacking on this post here, I think I can relate to what the OP is saying. I have a hard time with my 12 year old son as well, and I don't know what to do.

He's a super smart kid, and it feels like he's always challenging me. I could give examples, but it's not the details, it's the overall picture.

If he's late in the morning, he says it's my fault because I didn't wake him the way he likes. If he didn't make his bed, he says it's because I bought him difficult blankets. If he forgot to put his dinner plates away, he says it's because I told him to get something for me. Etc.

He wants a fancy bar mitzvah. He wants fancy clothes. I don't have the money for such things, and he tells me maybe I shouldn't buy XXX for me or someone else. It's like he's counting my money. He doesn't like other people to have his hand-me-downs.

He hates being kissed or hugged, so we can't seem to connect on any level. I tell him how proud I am of him all the time, but honestly I'm praising him for something he doesn't get credit for - being smart. Most of the time, he talks chutzpadik to me (not his father), and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. None of my other kids are like this.

I set limits - I tell him to go to his room when he's being chutzpadik, but it doesn't seem to change from day to day. I've had my husband talk to him about how he can't talk to me like he's a friend of mine, I'm his mother. It helps in the moment, but not long term.

I love him so much, but it's hard to deal with a kid who pushes back at you all the time.

amother

Copper

Thu, Dec 12 2019, 5:56 pm

Sounds like he wants to be treated as older. He wants both to take care of himself and to have some authority for his younger sibling. I have this with my ten year old as well. She was very, very difficult. Then I learned that when she is given responsibility that fits with what she is hood at and likes, she is a different kid. She needs to feel needed and appreciated.

Find a way for him to act as a positive older brother. What does he like to do? If he likes sports, have him have a catch with him, or tell him you would like Shlomie to learn to catch and you think ds could be the best one to teach him. If its games, have him teach him a game. And make it clear that you find his contribution helpful.

If he likes shul, have dh start to give him some responsibility. Maybe he collects the chumashim after leining. And you'd be surprised how well a kid who can't tuck in a shirt can fold a tallis, when his father pulls it out and tells him it's time to teach him. We talk a lot in my house about privileges and responsibilities, and how they go together. He is 10, so now he can do .... whatever it is (in my house, at 9, you get a real plate instead of paper on Shabbos.) You are also responsible for... tucking in your shirt. Use the reward system. If he doesn't do it, let it be. If it's a problem in school, there will be a consequence, and that can help.