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Forum -> Parenting our children
What to tell the kids/how to handle this situation?
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 2:17 pm
So we've been going through some tough times, especially financially.
An organization asked us if we would be interested in getting Chanukah presents through an adopt-a-family program this year.
We wrote a basic list of things our kids would like/need and the response was pretty amazing. The amount of stuff we received was incredibly generous. I can't believe how kind people are.

With that said, it is probably more than what we would give our kids for Chanukah.
While they would absolutely love everything and be so happy...
A. I'm wondering if we should give it all to them and B. (which is my main question) would you say it's just from you?
We never talk about finances or anything in front of the kids so I'm not really sure how to go about these gifts..
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 2:18 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So we've been going through some tough times, especially financially.
An organization asked us if we would be interested in getting Chanukah presents through an adopt-a-family program this year.
We wrote a basic list of things our kids would like/need and the response was pretty amazing. The amount of stuff we received was incredibly generous. I can't believe how kind people are.

With that said, it is probably more than what we would give our kids for Chanukah.
While they would absolutely love everything and be so happy...
A. I'm wondering if we should give it all to them and B. (which is my main question) would you say it's just from you?
We never talk about finances or anything in front of the kids so I'm not really sure how to go about these gifts..


I would put away some of the stuff and give it to them when they earn it. And definitely would say it's from us.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 2:21 pm
I'm so glad you were showered with generosity!

Yes, definitely give it to your kids, unless maybe one has a birthday coming soon and you think you might still be struggling then. But it was given to you to give to them, so I wouldn't hold it back.

No need to go into who it's from. They don't need to know.

Enjoy and happy chanukah!
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 2:25 pm
They definitely don’t need to know you didn’t pay for it!
For sure give them the gifts with a generous smile.
Save some things for birthdays or pesach or when someone is sick.
They only need to appreciate that their mother cares for them and tries to make them happy. No need for them to know anything else.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 2:38 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So we've been going through some tough times, especially financially.
An organization asked us if we would be interested in getting Chanukah presents through an adopt-a-family program this year.
We wrote a basic list of things our kids would like/need and the response was pretty amazing. The amount of stuff we received was incredibly generous. I can't believe how kind people are.

With that said, it is probably more than what we would give our kids for Chanukah.
While they would absolutely love everything and be so happy...
A. I'm wondering if we should give it all to them and B. (which is my main question) would you say it's just from you?
We never talk about finances or anything in front of the kids so I'm not really sure how to go about these gifts..

Are these gifts things like clothing and accessories or are they all toys?

What would you do with these gifts if you dont give it to your kids?
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 2:40 pm
amother [ Magenta ] wrote:
I would put away some of the stuff and give it to them when they earn it. And definitely would say it's from us.


Disagree. Lying is forbidden and not acceptable. Be honest and teach children about the kindness and chessed of our community and how we are there for each other in times of need.
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 2:41 pm
How old are the kids?

Who said they will even ask?

You may choose to be honest but vague, we got this for you through connections.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 2:44 pm
amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:
Are these gifts things like clothing and accessories or are they all toys?

What would you do with these gifts if you dont give it to your kids?


I could either hold on to them for a future occasion, or possibly return some stuff. I know that some stuff came with gift receipts.

It's both. Which brings me to another question actually.
There must have been a few people who were assigned to my family, and we received doubles of some items, like hats/gloves/scarves/boots.
How do I go about those items? Should I just say I bought a few styles/colors and wanted them to choose which ones they want to keep? (And probably return the others if possible)
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 2:50 pm
Cheiny wrote:
Disagree. Lying is forbidden and not acceptable. Be honest and teach children about the kindness and chessed of our community and how we are there for each other in times of need.


Uh no. As a child it would have been very unsettling to know my parents were having financial troubles and we needed to get gifts from other people. When donors give the gifts, they understand it’s the parents giving it over and I don’t think there’s anything dishonest about not specifying where exactly it came from.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 2:51 pm
Assuming they are all toys, I would put some away for birthday &Afikoman. Please G-d you should be able to afford then, but even if you can, you will benefit by putting that money towards food/debt/rainy day.
If there is really more than you feel your children need, to the point of excess, I would pay it forward and donate it to someone else.
I would not say anything to the kids at this point about tzdakkah. Please G-d in the future, you will be able to be the donor, and when your kids are older and you are long removed from this trying time in your life, you can adopt a family and tell them that this is a tzedakkah that we do, as many years ago, we struggled and someone helped us out. No need for more specifics, but I know it helps me to personalize, to give or do some chessed when I can relate. It will also give your children as young adults an understanding that things are hard, you need to work, it is ok to get a hand up sometimes, and the importance of hakrat hatov.

Wishing you a wonderful Chanukah, nachas from your children, and future financial Mazel and bracha.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 2:54 pm
Cheiny, children should never be privy to their parents financial situation. Kids need to feel safe and taken care of.
I'd give them the amount of gifts you usually do and put away the rest for the future.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 2:54 pm
amother [ Coffee ] wrote:
Assuming they are all toys, I would put some away for birthday &Afikoman. Please G-d you should be able to afford then, but even if you can, you will benefit by putting that money towards food/debt/rainy day.
If there is really more than you feel your children need, to the point of excess, I would pay it forward and donate it to someone else.
I would not say anything to the kids at this point about tzdakkah. Please G-d in the future, you will be able to be the donor, and when your kids are older and you are long removed from this trying time in your life, you can adopt a family and tell them that this is a tzedakkah that we do, as many years ago, we struggled and someone helped us out. No need for more specifics, but I know it helps me to personalize, to give or do some chessed when I can relate. It will also give your children as young adults an understanding that things are hard, you need to work, it is ok to get a hand up sometimes, and the importance of hakrat hatov.

Wishing you a wonderful Chanukah, nachas from your children, and future financial Mazel and bracha.


Amen! Thank you! I really like what you said.
I would love to be on the other side of this.
Happy Chanukah 😊
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amother
Oak


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 2:55 pm
My family sent more than we would normally give for my kids' birthdays this year. We've been struggling so we gave them that stuff as their main presents (stuff that cost pocket change but we thought they would like from us as extras). They know their grandmother always sends a few things so when they asked if it was from her or me/us, I said that I told her what they wanted and she asked if she could buy it for them, so it was from both of us. Which was not lying, but not making them feel bad or anxious about finances. Since you made a list, you could do something similar.

If they don't ask, I don't think not telling them is lying.

ETA: I think 2 scarves and pairs of gloves per kid is prudent. More than that might be nice to donate.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 2:58 pm
Amother oak, there's a difference between telling kids the gifts are from grandma vs. telling the it's from tzedaka. Gifts from grandma are very normal.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 3:00 pm
Cheiny wrote:
Disagree. Lying is forbidden and not acceptable. Be honest and teach children about the kindness and chessed of our community and how we are there for each other in times of need.

Not saying who it’s from is not lying.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 3:01 pm
amother [ Ivory ] wrote:
Amother oak, there's a difference between telling kids the gifts are from grandma vs. telling the it's from tzedaka. Gifts from grandma are very normal.


Of course, that's why I said "something similar" not "we told the tzedaka people what you wanted". Personally, my kids would have been upset and probably thought something was up financially if it sounded like we didn't go out and buy them anything and just left it up to her.
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tp3




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 3:04 pm
Just say you got the presents for them. You did.
No need to make them feel like charity cases every time they play with/wear their gift.
Happy Chanuka!
Enjoy!
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amother
Rose


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 3:31 pm
I see no reason why children should be told - Ima and Tatty couldn't afford this because we are having financial difficulties so strangers bought this as charity. What purpose does that serve except making children nervous. As others have posted, children don't have to be made privy to parents' financial issues - they don't need to know they are rich and they don't need to know they are poor. To the extent possible, children should be raised in an atmosphere of security - which includes feeling financially secure. And you don't have to be "rich" to have children feel secure.

In terms of the second question which is whether to hold back presents, I guess the question is what you would be holding back and what the quantity is. As has been hinted, nice as they are, most children don't view gloves, socks and hats as exciting presents. Very Happy Gift giving doesn't have to be excessive although for a kid opening lots of presents is pretty exciting. I would take a realistic look at exactly what you have to give each child and then make sure that there is a mix of really memorable exciting stuff and functional stuff.
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ddmom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 3:39 pm
amother [ Ivory ] wrote:
Cheiny, children should never be privy to their parents financial situation. Kids need to feel safe and taken care of.
I'd give them the amount of gifts you usually do and put away the rest for the future.

This!
Don't give more them you would usually!
You don't want high standards to become the norm!
Save it for an occasion, birthday, afikomen present...
If you usually give something for chanuka why would they ask where it comes from?
Just say "this for you and this is for you!"
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Tue, Dec 17 2019, 3:50 pm
I wouldn't give them more than usual. There's enough chagim coming up. If save some stuff for Pessach.
And I would tell them that some very generous people helped with the gifts.
I think kid aren't made out of glass and they won't fall apart knowing there's tough times sometimes.
They'll need to learn for later anyway.
And why would they be worried if they know there's people out there who help?
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