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Forum
-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:02 am
As my baby gets older (almost 3 years) and parenting gets harder I try to stay on my game and read books and articles. I'm a very educated parent. I obviously try to avoid/work on my own triggers.
But who's to say I'm not making other issues in my kid? (I mean obviously I am, that's life. And even the best parent's kid can be in therapy)
Otjer than "daven" what's some practical advice from some more seasoned mothers. I'm serious here. I have studied a lot of psychology especially early childhood /developmental so I know everything leaves an imprint (did you know 85%of the brain is formed by age 3)?
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Stars
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:04 am
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Don't yell at them. (Talking to myself here)
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amother
Babypink
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:07 am
My therapist told me that every single parent in the world has given their child enough to talk about with a therapist. It's just the way of the world. None of us come out completely unscarred.
I know that you said other than davening, but I just want to point out: אם ה' לא יבנה בית, שוא עמלו בוניו בו. אם ה' לא ישמור עיר שוא שקד שומר
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amother
Cyan
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:10 am
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Don't obsess about being a perfect parent. Take a couple of minutes at the end of each day to think about each child, how he's doing and how his relationship with you is. Be warm, be kind, be patient and be available. And remember that you can guide but you can't control. Every child has his own bechira and will make his own choices in life.
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cozyblanket
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:10 am
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There are no guarantees in life. Each child is their own world. They should know you care about them a lot, so even if you have a hard day and yell, they know that behind it all is love. And practically, yes, daven. This is too hard to do alone.
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Zehava
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:24 am
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See them as people. Miniature human beings. With their own thoughts, desires, wants, and needs. Not an extension of you. Not yours to mold. Treat them with the respect they deserve.
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amother
Aquamarine
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:36 am
I grew up in a pretty emotionally unstable home. On the outside we are very ok, and we always had our physical needs met. I can tell you what my mother did that damaged me to this day and I'm always mindful not to repeat this.
1. Don't be sarcastic EVER on your child's cheshbon or on anyone else's expense.
2. Don't overreact to negative happenings in your life especially not in front of your kids. Kids need to feel safe and that most problems can be handled with a calm demeanor.
3. The biggest gift you can give your kids is a good Sholom Bayis. My mother resented my father for his weaknesses and she would criticize him in front of us and it killed us and him.
4. Try teaching them to be grateful for the good things and try to be generally positive.
Basically try to keep your goals in front of your eyes and remember " kids are never bad, they just test us" we can help them calm down and deal with situations effectively.
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thunderstorm
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:39 am
Allow your children to FEEL. Don’t shut them up when they talk , kvetch or cry. Validate them regardless of whether you agree with them.
Heal your own childhood wounds FIRST. And everything Zehava said above.
But know that we ALL will mess up somewhere. There’s no such thing as being a perfect human. But we can try our best.
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behappy2
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:39 am
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I think the most important thing is the attachment and connection. Its not possible to get all the other parts 100 perecent right.
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keym
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:53 am
The best advice I ever got was not to let perfection get in the way. There is no way that a mother can be 100% perfect on her game all the time. And when you fall short, you'll beat yourself up and feel it impossible to improve.
So aim for good enough. You'll get there most days.
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amother
Taupe
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 11:00 am
I was told by my therapist that strong shalom bais is stability and one of the most important things for children.
(I was told this after speaking about my own messed up childhood even though on the surface all needs were met. And I was complaining that my kids have no chance because my mother really did try and I'm still messed up...)
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amother
Floralwhite
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 11:03 am
| keym wrote: | The best advice I ever got was not to let perfection get in the way. There is no way that a mother can be 100% perfect on her game all the time. And when you fall short, you'll beat yourself up and feel it impossible to improve.
So aim for good enough. You'll get there most days. |
That's what everyone says and it's become kind of cliche.
Put simply, if we tell this to everyone, we are lying to some of them. I'm sure my mother and thunderstorm's were told this also. But they weren't "good enough." We all had enough to eat and a roof over our heads but as of today every single one of us - save the youngest - has shown very definite signs of being emotionally abused by our mother.
The youngest, maybe he's okay, and maybe we just don't know what his problems are. Second-youngest looked perfectly fine but as it turns out she's suffered panic attacks since she was EIGHT, and just hidden it from everyone.
So, aim for good enough, okay, but honesty and integrity are really important here. If you're abusing your kids, it's not "good enough," ever. Regardless of whether they are fed or clothed. If you're abusive, verbally/ emotionally included, you're not a "good enough" parent, you're a horrible parent if you refuse to acknowledge and deal with it. (If you do acknowledge and deal with it then you were a horrible abusive parent but maybe in the future you'll be a good enough or good parent, if you work hard.) You owe your kids an apology, that of course as an abusive person you will never give.
And you are out there. We know you are. Even if you're not participating in this thread right now.
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amother
Chartreuse
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 11:06 am
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Try not to be too critical or perfectionistic.
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amother
Wheat
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 11:11 am
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amother
Sienna
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 11:13 am
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Don’t let them cry it out. I saw with my own eye that great parents have one or more kids that are messed up for no obvious reason. You let your kids cry it out it damages all of them more or less but one of them it completely destroys because of his specific personality.
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keym
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 11:14 am
| amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote: | That's what everyone says and it's become kind of cliche.
Put simply, if we tell this to everyone, we are lying to some of them. I'm sure my mother and thunderstorm's were told this also. But they weren't "good enough." We all had enough to eat and a roof over our heads but as of today every single one of us - save the youngest - has shown very definite signs of being emotionally abused by our mother.
The youngest, maybe he's okay, and maybe we just don't know what his problems are. Second-youngest looked perfectly fine but as it turns out she's suffered panic attacks since she was EIGHT, and just hidden it from everyone.
So, aim for good enough, okay, but honesty and integrity are really important here. If you're abusing your kids, it's not "good enough," ever. Regardless of whether they are fed or clothed. If you're abusive, verbally/ emotionally included, you're not a "good enough" parent, you're a horrible parent if you refuse to acknowledge and deal with it. (If you do acknowledge and deal with it then you were a horrible abusive parent but maybe in the future you'll be a good enough or good parent, if you work hard.) You owe your kids an apology, that of course as an abusive person you will never give.
And you are out there. We know you are. Even if you're not participating in this thread right now. |
You're absolutely right. I did not have a healthy childhood either.
However I was talking to OP. She's describing reading and research. I'm telling her not to go excessive.
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thunderstorm
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 11:14 am
| amother [ Sienna ] wrote: | | Don’t let them cry it out. I saw with my own eye that great parents have one or more kids that are messed up for no obvious reason. You let your kids cry it out it damages all of them more or less but one of them it completely destroys because of his specific personality. |
Cry it out as infants? When were they crying it out ?
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amother
Lawngreen
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 11:20 am
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amother
Royalblue
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 11:25 am
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As my kids get older and turn into teenagers, I worry about this more and more. I never know if I'm doing it right. Esp for those of us who did not have the best models.
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amother
Sienna
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Wed, Dec 18 2019, 11:30 am
| thunderstorm wrote: | | Cry it out as infants? When were they crying it out ? |
Yes
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