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How do you NOT mess up your kids?
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 8:35 am
OK I do all this!
I recommend Janet lansurby lol
I'm all about the validation
I practice attachment parenting never did CIO
I enable independence

But I'm still human. My mother was a yeller and I also lose patience. Sometimes I raise my voice Crying
So if I'm working on it does my kid still stand a chance??
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 8:36 am
Love them & make sure they know it. Listen & understand them. Be there for them. Go into their world.

Rest leave up to Hashem.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 8:38 am
amother [ Sienna ] wrote:
Yes

I agree. I just heard this being discussed that studies have found that children from 0-18 months of age need to feel like he/she is loved. When an infant is left to cry or if an infant smiles and a mother gives back a blank face instead of a smile this causes attachment trauma.
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honeymoon




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 8:38 am
Read "running on empty" by Jonice Webb.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 8:41 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
OK I do all this!
I recommend Janet lansurby lol
I'm all about the validation
I practice attachment parenting never did CIO
I enable independence

But I'm still human. My mother was a yeller and I also lose patience. Sometimes I raise my voice Crying
So if I'm working on it does my kid still stand a chance??

Of course. How about working on your own self esteem. Your own self love? You wouldn’t be questioning yourself so much if you felt that you were enough.
Sometimes when parents don’t feel good enough or that they are not a good enough parent the child can pick up on that and take on the responsibility to make sure they act perfect so that their mother doesn’t feel insecure in her parenting and that their mother should feel like she’s doing a good job.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 8:50 am
honeymoon wrote:
Read "running on empty" by Jonice Webb.


This is going to change my life. Thank you.
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Kinor Dovid




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 8:52 am
amother [ Sienna ] wrote:
Don’t let them cry it out. I saw with my own eye that great parents have one or more kids that are messed up for no obvious reason. You let your kids cry it out it damages all of them more or less but one of them it completely destroys because of his specific personality.

I heard from Rav Mattisyahu Salomon shlita (I didn’t verify but it’s said in his name) that babies can become defiant and “at risk” literally from the cradle ch”v, when they cry and are ignored it creates tremendous anger , distrust and resentment which stays with them even as they grow up.
There are defiant teens...from the cradle.

His recommendation to those who want to do the cry it out method: let them cry it out but GO IN every ten minutes and give them a hug and say “it’s late, it’s time to go to sleep, etc” in a nice reassuring voice (not upset) then go back out and repeat ten minutes later again.
Usually after a day or two of that they get used to it that now is sleeping time and they go to sleep nicely. And then it’s not damaging.
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 9:07 am
Unconditional love. It's not enough to love them unconditionally, but they need to FEEL that they are loved, unconditionally. All else falls by the wayside. We all have our moments, we all yell or snap or otherwise lose our cool. We all make mistakes and bad calls. There's no such thing as being the perfect parent. But all long as they really feel that unconditional love, you'll both get through everything.
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thepickled




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 9:11 am
amother [ Sienna ] wrote:
Don’t let them cry it out. I saw with my own eye that great parents have one or more kids that are messed up for no obvious reason. You let your kids cry it out it damages all of them more or less but one of them it completely destroys because of his specific personality.


They are messed up for “no obvious reason” but you have come to the conclusion that crying it out caused this? How exactly did you come to this? You separated all the factors that differentiated the parenting between all the children in this family and found crying it out to be the only difference between the “messed up kids” and the “non-messed up kids,” whatever that even means?

Firstly, some personality defects can be inborn - parents are not always responsible for everything.

Secondly, there are no peer-reviewed, solid studies that say “cry it out” causes any harm. One might even have more evidence to say that chronic sleep deprivation of both parent and child might cause more harm.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 9:43 am
delete
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nchr




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 9:44 am
Model positive, healthy behavior.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:14 am
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
That's what everyone says and it's become kind of cliche.
Put simply, if we tell this to everyone, we are lying to some of them. I'm sure my mother and thunderstorm's were told this also. But they weren't "good enough." We all had enough to eat and a roof over our heads but as of today every single one of us - save the youngest - has shown very definite signs of being emotionally abused by our mother.
The youngest, maybe he's okay, and maybe we just don't know what his problems are. Second-youngest looked perfectly fine but as it turns out she's suffered panic attacks since she was EIGHT, and just hidden it from everyone.

So, aim for good enough, okay, but honesty and integrity are really important here. If you're abusing your kids, it's not "good enough," ever. Regardless of whether they are fed or clothed. If you're abusive, verbally/ emotionally included, you're not a "good enough" parent, you're a horrible parent if you refuse to acknowledge and deal with it. (If you do acknowledge and deal with it then you were a horrible abusive parent but maybe in the future you'll be a good enough or good parent, if you work hard.) You owe your kids an apology, that of course as an abusive person you will never give.

And you are out there. We know you are. Even if you're not participating in this thread right now.


can you give us examples of what emotional abuse is so we know what NOT to do?

criticizing, shaming, blaming...what else??
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:19 am
Reading too many parenting books can be confusing.

I don't agree with most of the modern permissive parenting. Spoiled children are NOT happy children - they think they are entitled to everything and always crying when things don't go their way. Children who are not required to speak respectfully to their parents ("because they're in pain") will not speak respectfully to their spouse either - leading to future sholom bayis problems when spoiled children marry, Ch"V.

Find a mentor who you think is a great parent and has good children and ask
her for advice when you have questions.

I agree that good sholom bayis is very important for raising healthy children.
Model for your children how the parents show respect for each other.
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:24 am
amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:
can you give us examples of what emotional abuse is so we know what NOT to do?

criticizing, shaming, blaming...what else??


You think parents should never criticize children? oy! I think THAT is abuse.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:37 am
#BestBubby wrote:
You think parents should never criticize children? oy! I think THAT is abuse.


Criticize the BEHAVIOR, never the CHILD.

You are a bad boy- no.
Your behavior is not right- fine.

You are out of control, or lazy, or messy, or whatever- very wrong.
Let's work on improving your behavior- parenting.
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:43 am
keym wrote:
Criticize the BEHAVIOR, never the CHILD.

You are a bad boy- no.
Your behavior is not right- fine.

You are out of control, or lazy, or messy, or whatever- very wrong.
Let's work on improving your behavior- parenting.


OK. That I agree with.
But I think many parents think they are not allowed to criticize the behavior either - because it will cause the child to feel "shame" or hurt their "feelings" or damage their "self-esteem"
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 10:50 am
#BestBubby wrote:
OK. That I agree with.
But I think many parents think they are not allowed to criticize the behavior either - because it will cause the child to feel "shame" or hurt their "feelings" or damage their "self-esteem"


Actually every parent I know and see actually parents.
It may not be criticism, it may be some sort of positive moving forward.
They may choose to let some things slide to maximize effectiveness.
And the results may not be as quick as you like.
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Flip Flops




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 11:04 am
amother [ Sienna ] wrote:
Don’t let them cry it out. I saw with my own eye that great parents have one or more kids that are messed up for no obvious reason. You let your kids cry it out it damages all of them more or less but one of them it completely destroys because of his specific personality.


Well, I'm proud to be the exception to this rule! I'm pretty normal and sane today, despite having cried it out as a baby.

B"H we are not all messed up (though on this site it sure feels like it sometimes) and there are many of us who had wonderful upbringings even if our parents didn't always get it 100% right. Were my parents perfect? NO! Am I a happy, and healthy individual today? Yes. Without therapy.
Let's all just try our best to be good parents.
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 11:07 am
amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:
can you give us examples of what emotional abuse is so we know what NOT to do?

criticizing, shaming, blaming...what else??


What does that mean, no "blaming"?

If a child played with parent's possession - which was forbidden - and than
broke the parent's possession, the parent is not allowed to "blame" the child
for breaking the parent's possession?

Please clarify what no "blaming" means.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Wed, Dec 18 2019, 2:14 pm
Sometimes you can be the best parent, follow all the parenting advice and the kid still has issues. Some terrible parents also land up with very good kids.
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