How do you NOT mess up your kids?

malki2

Wed, Dec 18 2019, 5:45 pm

I saw a good line once:

Kids are like pancakes. The first one you burn. The second one comes out a little better. By
the third one you get it figured out more or less.

BTW, the Meshech Chochma says that a Bechor gets Pi Shnayim as compensation all the mistakes his parents made on him.

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Dec 18 2019, 5:50 pm

malki2 wrote:

Interesting , I heard once that the third one usually has the most emotional issues.

amother

Navy

Wed, Dec 18 2019, 5:56 pm

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

My therapist told me that every single parent in the world has given their child enough to talk about with a therapist. It's just the way of the world. None of us come out completely unscarred.

I know that you said other than davening, but I just want to point out: אם ה' לא יבנה בית, שוא עמלו בוניו בו. אם ה' לא ישמור עיר שוא שקד שומר

Cool way to ensure herself generations of business LOL

zaq

Wed, Dec 18 2019, 6:17 pm

1. Kids are more resilient than adults give them credit for. The KBH made it that way because children do not come with owners’ manuals, and parents are fallible.

2. Quit reading parenting books. They all give conflicting information, based upon the fad du jour at the time and place that they were written, by people who don’t know your child..Go with your gut. Try to be the type of parent that the adult you wishes that your parents had been to the child you. If you’re very fortunate, your parents treated you the way you would have liked them to. If they did not, don’t do what they did.

3. Everyone is “messed up” to some degree because parents are human and therefore not perfect. And that’s just fine. What you’re trying to achieve is not to ***MESS UP*** your children. A little “messed up” is normal. ***MESSED UP*** is when others notice.

ITA about that therapist trying to guarantee future work. Professionals in every field from exterminators to auto mechanics to interior designers to therapists will try to sell their services to people who don’t need them. They’re less about tikkun olam than about tikkun their bank accounts.

tichellady

Wed, Dec 18 2019, 6:21 pm

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

Don’t let them cry it out. I saw with my own eye that great parents have one or more kids that are messed up for no obvious reason. You let your kids cry it out it damages all of them more or less but one of them it completely destroys because of his specific personality.

This is nonsense.

amother

Sapphire

Wed, Dec 18 2019, 6:24 pm

If you never tell your child the word no, never teach your child to be mevater, and never tell your child to be considerate of other people, you will definitely have a monster on your hands.

zaq

Wed, Dec 18 2019, 8:11 pm

“If you never tell your child the word no, never teach your child to be mevater, and never tell your child to be considerate of other people, you will definitely have a monster on your hands.”

And if all goes horribly horribly wrong, he will become president of the United States despite losing the popular vote, and then proceed to act as if the whole country is his personal fiefdom.

allthingsblue

Wed, Dec 18 2019, 8:18 pm

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

When exactly does the damage and ruined personality become apparent? At what age?

Mommyg8

Wed, Dec 18 2019, 8:19 pm

zaq wrote:

Did you know his parents sent him to military school? No wonder why...

Teomima

Wed, Dec 18 2019, 11:52 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

What does that mean, no "blaming"?

If a child played with parent's possession - which was forbidden - and than
broke the parent's possession, the parent is not allowed to "blame" the child
for breaking the parent's possession?

Please clarify what no "blaming" means.

Similar to the idea of criticizing behavior vs the child themselves, I think blame is more effective if you use it to teach consequence, but not too make a child feel shame. So if say as in your example they broke a possession, point out that it was them defying your rules that resulted in the item breaking. Your child didn't set out to intentionally break it. They learn that the consequences of not obeying your rules are that something got destroyed and so you blame their behavior, not them as a person.

If they did set out to break something intentionally, then that was them acting out, and there's more to it. The reason behind their anger needs to be explored. Just pure blame will only further ignite their anger and frustration.

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Dec 19 2019, 12:05 am

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

If you never tell your child the word no, never teach your child to be mevater, and never tell your child to be considerate of other people, you will definitely have a monster on your hands.

But if you always tell your child no, teach him he has no choice but to be mevater, and teach your child to always consider others' needs but never his own, you will likely either have a sad shell of a person or a narcissist.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Dec 19 2019, 3:45 am

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

I was taught that ‘minimum and maximum’ both have the word מום in it. There’s a happy medium and most parents know that.

dankbar

Thu, Dec 19 2019, 5:32 am

Blaming is in emotional/verbal abuse when everything that goes wrong in a home even parents "misbehavior" /reactions are blamed on the child.

For ex. a parent that yells, instead of recognizing that they have to work on their own anger management they will blame child for misbehaving & they made them yell & even tell that to the child.

Same when they hit child, they will tell child, now my hands hurt because I needed to hit you, because of your misbehavior.

Blaming means pointing fingers at child, for unrelated stuff, nothing that was his fault at all.

It's very different than having child own up to his wrongs & giving him a chance to rectify or apologize.

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Dec 19 2019, 5:51 am

tichellady wrote:

This is nonsense.

I don’t think it’s total none sense.
Crying it out can be damaging if you ignore the child.
I’d go In every ten minutes, hug/ hold his hand and explain that it’s sleeping time now and we need to go to sleep, and then go back out.
Chinuch is ok.
Ignoring is mean.
I do this and after two days there’s no crying anymore and It’s not damaging.

salt

Thu, Dec 19 2019, 6:07 am

zaq wrote:

1. Kids are more resilient than adults give them credit for. The KBH made it that way because children do not come with owners’ manuals, and parents are fallible.

I was going to say something like this. If you 'mess up' and lose your temper at your child here and there, or nag your DH, or don't follow through on a punishment, or if you criticize, or whatever, once in a while, nothing will happen. You have not damaged your child for life, and you don't need to run your child to therapy.
It all depends on the general atmosphere in your house.
When my kids were small, I used to yell a lot - I was very irritable. With help from my DH, and as my kids naturally grew older and easier, I got calmer.
My kids are not damaged or traumatized. They are fine b"H. And if they're not, it's not because I used to be grumpy when stressed!

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Dec 19 2019, 6:21 am

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

Sometimes you can be the best parent, follow all the parenting advice and the kid still has issues. Some terrible parents also land up with very good kids.

All except for one of us were "very good kids."
It doesn't mean we're not messed up. We just hide it well.