How do you NOT mess up your kids?

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Dec 19 2019, 7:06 am

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

can you give us examples of what emotional abuse is so we know what NOT to do?

criticizing, shaming, blaming...what else??

-Sudden moods swings
-unpredictable moods/ reactions
-harping on the bad while ignoring the good
-name-calling
-saying child us trash for something you do all the time
-labeling children without professional evaluation (paasive-aggressive, ODD, OCD, paranoid) -telling a child s/he deserved whatever happened
-telling child whatever it was wouldn't have happened if they'd done it right/ been better (sometimes this is legit but I'm talking about when it's not direct cause & effect or there were other factors involved)
-seeing your child as another chance for you to do what you wished you'd done instead of as a separate person
-telling your child that it doesn't matter what they think/ feel
-promising to be a good listener and accepting and then going back on that promise and criticizing
-telling the world your child's personal feelings
-talking about how awful your child is in front of him/her to everyone else
-telling your child how embarrassed you are to be his/her mother
-insisting everything is one child's fault all the time
-child was a mistake/ biggest mistake of your life
-guilt trips, head games, blaming the child for your responses
-claiming bad relationship is the child's fault
-that child is abusing you
-parental alienation
-alienation of others in the family/ community
-using your child as a confidante
-constant comparisons about how good a sibling is versus how bad this child is
-using the child as a trophy child, good only for the pride s/he brings the family
-changing the story and presenting it as torah misinai
-changing the story and insisting the other person is misremembering
-changing your mind on important issues and then changing back insisting you never thought whatever and then of course going back and changing your mind again
-purposely misreporting your child's behavior/ moods/ symptoms so that your child will get the diagnosis you want, this may or may not include forcing your child to take the medications appropriate for that condition
-alcoholism
-threatening suicide if your children do xyz
-threatening to significantly change lifestyle if your children do xyz
-temper tantrums, slamming doors
-telling your child how awful their other parent (whether married to you or not) is
-blaming everything on someone else and refusing to ever take the blame for yourself even when it is totally your fault
-never ever apologizing to your kid for your gross messups and insisting you never ever messed up
-lying about major things (not "I'm going to the store" when you're going to mikva)
-constantly screaming
-verbally abusing a child for doing something you have no proof s/he did and which s/he did not do, without even checking if a sibling might be responsible or you might be making a mistake
-telling a child that his/her feelings and thoughts are a mistake, s/he has no right to dislike someone, s/he is a person who cannot be trusted
-any kind of threat that threatens the child's safety or body or emotional security ("I'll dump the toy in the trash if you fight over it again" doesn't count, "I'll smash you against the wall" and "you won't eat for a day" do).
There are more but I can't think of them right now....hope this helps....

Criticizing - criticize the actions, not the child's essence
Shaming - never in public, unless your child has endangered someone or done something against the law at that moment
Blaming - sometimes the blame is legit but usually it's not necessary. Reuven spilled the milk, great, just tell him to get a rag and clean it up. Shimon and Levi left toys on the floor, who cares who left it, they can both help pick up. Yehuda and Yissachar were punching each other, it's less important who did what and more important that they make up and quit punching and avoid it in the future, we don't care who started it or who did what, we care that each boy learns not to punch. If there is a problem we can find a solution, no need for blame. No one is perfect and sometimes blame will slip in but the question is tone of voice and how often etc.