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When parents help pay for expenses - sibling's wedding
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ra_mom




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Dec 29 2019, 1:26 pm
I would arrange to go by myself and dh would stay home with the family.
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banana123




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Dec 29 2019, 1:43 pm
amother [ Azure ] wrote:
And I think you are wrong. because c'v if someone dies you will go to be menachem avel your loved ones. I would borrow just for the blood sibling obviously and pay back in small parts. my uncle was not feeling wel and only had one daughter local. she begged her siblings come visit pls! and they said no money we want to come but we can't afford (he wasn't deadly sick at all). the next week for the levaje ( it was ttly not expected) they all suddenly had money to come and they felt so guilty. pls go for simchos it is so important!for you own good.

I understand where you are coming from but if you're not in a position to pay the money back it starts a downward cycle that ruins lives, and the living do take precedence over the dead. And if the only money you have is your emergency fund then the same thing, if something comes up you will be up to your neck in debt that you might not be able to get out of for several years.

Could be the people you're referring to either live in debt/ have no problem living in debt, or had the money in the first place but didn't want to spend it.

At any rate my story is a bit more complicated but I don't want to out myself here.
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amother




Peach
 

Post  Sun, Dec 29 2019, 2:06 pm
I would go by myself.
I have a similar question (obviously can't compare), but basically we are newly married, and my inlaws are fully supporting us. My brother is getting married soon iy"h, and I feel so weird using my inlaws' money to rent a gown. Anyone in a similar sitch? Do you mention anything?
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amother




Green
 

Post  Sun, Dec 29 2019, 5:01 pm
amother [ Peach ] wrote:
I would go by myself.
I have a similar question (obviously can't compare), but basically we are newly married, and my inlaws are fully supporting us. My brother is getting married soon iy"h, and I feel so weird using my inlaws' money to rent a gown. Anyone in a similar sitch? Do you mention anything?


Do you have a job? Do you have any money of your own? Do they give you a set amount every month or do you have to ask for every expense?

I would feel very weird asking for money to rent a gown. But then the whole concept of "support" is foreign to me so....
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Dec 29 2019, 6:14 pm
I have 4 brothers who got married overseas. I missed one wedding due to complicated pg. I went to the other 3 - one with DH and baby, one myself, and one myself with baby. Each time, we did what we were able to afford.

I just went to my niece's wedding in Israel last week - my father totally surprised me with a ticket. I would not have gone otherwise.

I'm sure some of my relatives would love if we would all come, etc...but money doesn't grow on trees.....
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post  Sun, Dec 29 2019, 8:08 pm
amother [ Azure ] wrote:
And I think you are wrong. because c'v if someone dies you will go to be menachem avel your loved ones. I would borrow just for the blood sibling obviously and pay back in small parts. my uncle was not feeling wel and only had one daughter local. she begged her siblings come visit pls! and they said no money we want to come but we can't afford (he wasn't deadly sick at all). the next week for the levaje ( it was ttly not expected) they all suddenly had money to come and they felt so guilty. pls go for simchos it is so important!for you own good.


I disagree.
I would never want anyone to borrow for my simcha. We can share in the simcha together even if we are not physically present.
So there you have it, were on opposite ends of viewpoints.
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HonesttoGod




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Dec 30 2019, 10:01 am
I don’t know it’s a hard battle.
Honestly I hate that I live far from my family so we actively save during the year to be able to go visit for a Simcha or just a general visit.
Is it cheap? No way... chances are I’d be able to afford so much more if I didn’t have to go.
My parents offer some $$ if they can but I don’t expect them to because they have a family to support and I’m a mature adult that works.

With that said in some cases (such as a Simcha or ch”v death) I would borrow up to x amount I feel comfortable or take from savings to be able to go. Even if it’s just me alone. Missing out on big events when you’re the only family member not there, is extremely hard. And live hookups are not reliable. Btdt.
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HonesttoGod




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Dec 30 2019, 10:02 am
Ps: when we moved so many miles from my family I told my husband this move is good for us but I’m doing it on condition you'll always help me be there when I need to.
Yes I Missed many Simchas but the big ones that mattered , I went. It’s a huge expense but it’s part of my costs of living where I do.
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amother




Orchid
 

Post  Fri, Jan 03 2020, 2:13 am
In my family, once you're married, you're on your own in every aspect!
We take each simcha one by one and make decisions based on what's going on at the time.
We arrange our own gowns, clothes and Shabbos Sheva brooches accommodations, we can either manage or not.
There's no judgement on who shows up or doesn't
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amother




Burgundy
 

Post  Fri, Jan 03 2020, 7:21 am
My brother got married in israel a few years ago . I was stuck in an abusive marriage and my parents knew about it. They paid a ticket for me and my child to fly to the wedding .
On the day of the wedding my " b"h now ex" surprised us . He borrowed money and for months I struggled to return the money (I was the only breadwinner at the time )
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