When you're invited to the wedding but barely know them

merpk

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 8:18 am

Backstory is that our son is getting married. We're in Israel with no family here, and nobody from our already-small family in the US can make it (and we are very close with them and everyone is a bit heartbroken over it, but this is how it is).

So we have been here quite a while but don't have a kehilla (my husband davens in a few shuls for specific minyanim). I work from home on the computer and have no social life to speak of for various reasons (a special needs kid, a complicated marriage, a complicated hashkafa, I don't speak Hebrew too well, and am kind of socially uncomfortable as a general rule).

So my husband is making an invite list that includes everyone he's ever interacted with. He's very concerned that "nobody will come" because of the shlep (wedding in the north and we're in the middle-ish south and most of the people we know are in Yerushalayim), so he's convinced that we have to have a long list so maybe someone anyone will show up.

Some of the list is people used to be in our kehilla in NY but we've lost touch with, and some of those are people we connected with early in our teshuva, who still feel like family even if we're not in touch (the couple whose Shabbos table we met at, for example). So they are not the people I'm asking about. I know that if they come or not, they will at least understand why they're invited.

But DH is also inviting just about everybody here who, for example, hosted us for a meal in our first year after aliyah, which was over a decade ago. So we've had no contact with any of these people since the "thank you for the lovely seuda" phone call, and they haven't invited us to their kids' weddings that I can recall. He's inviting people he knows kind of in passing, that he says hello to at shul or that maybe we gave a lift to here or there or .... you know what I mean?

So I feel weird about sending these invitations. DH is insistent on it. I don't mind too much because it's within our part of the budget (we've had the money put away for this for a long time so that's not the issue), though I do feel disturbed that I don't know almost any of the dozens of names that are on the list. Combine that with my own introverted tendencies, and the whole going-around-to-say-hi-to-your-guests thing is not something I'm looking forward to at all.

Editing to add: My son has a yeshiva he's connected with, he's in the army, he was very active in his tnuat noar and has already whatsapped the sneef. I know how the young folks travel near and far in this country for weddings, so I'm really not worried that the hall will be empty (not to mention the kallah's family is all in Israel). That's not really the issue.

So I'm just curious how people react to this sort of thing, so here are the questions:

When you get an invitation to a wedding of the kids of people you barely know:

Do you ever go?
Do you just say, oh, mazel tov, maybe send back a "thanks but I'm not coming" RSVP and forget about it?
Do you feel weird about getting the invitation, like it's just fishing for gifts?

Last edited by merpk on Tue, Dec 31 2019, 8:43 am; edited 1 time in total

Bruria

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 8:30 am

You should have added a third option, just glad to be invited. When I'm invited to a simcha and I don't know the couple well, I don't think they are fishing for gifts, I think it's nice they thought of inviting me even if I don't know them well.

Bruria

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 8:30 am

Double post

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 8:33 am

I don't give gifts to everyone who sends me a wedding invitation, so no, I don't think sending an invitation is fishing for gifts. It's letting everyone know of your Simcha and that you'd love it if they could share it with you.

I voted the first option. It's fine. I get invitations like that all the time (people send to the whole shul list, etc...)

#BestBubby

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 12:21 pm

Today people don't give gifts for an invite so it is not fishing for gifts.

Most people appreciate an invitation but cannot attend due to so many
"obligatory" invitations and family responsibility.

I try to go and say mazel tov if the wedding hall is nearby but do not stay for meal.

ny21

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 7:57 pm

I like the invitation of people who I dont know well sometimes we go
I dislike when I dont get a thank you for the gift

chipmunks

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 2:46 pm

OP, when I saw the thread title even before opening and seeing any details I thought, "Welcome to Israel!" LOL

Don't worry, it's way more normal than in chutz.

ETA: And mazal tov!

b.chadash

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 11:19 pm

Tbh, when I get an invite from a random person, usually second or third cousin who I never saw (I come from a huge family), I don't think anything, except maybe "what a waste of a stamp".. I know I'm on the list, and that's all. Same goes for random people in the community. BH, the frum population has exploded to such a degree that we all get multiple invitations every week, so we get desensitized to the fact that these people are making a simcha.
Your situation is totally different. Your husband is nervous about not having some people so he is trying his luck by sending to as many people as possible. It may be a good idea to contact some influential people to spread the word about your situation.
When I get an invitation to a simcha that I know the baalei simcha won't have people attending, I certainly would make every effort to attend, even if I didnt know the people that well.

Ruchel

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 7:25 am

Cousin is not random, trying hard not to say how this feels. BH my cousins value me. Some have drove hours for me.

Random person, yes, I wouldn't go.

I have traveled for cousins, because this is what family does, and the best we can do to give a finger to dolfi. I certainly don't get multiple invitations a week or a month. Like who? most of my friends kah are married.

momaleh

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 7:32 am

I would think it's a nice overture.

I do want to point out, though, that if people do show up, make them comfortable. My story is that my husbands' chavrusah was getting married, and he'd eaten by us so many times so I of course felt comfortable being a part of the simcha, even though I knew no one on the women's side.
Not only did the kallah give me a weird reception, like, who are you and why are you here? At the seuda, her mother came over to me and asked me loudly who I was. Not in a friendly way.
The chassan is a BT with no family in Israel, so I understand they were curious about the frum girl they didn't know, but it was unfriendly and unpleasant.

Just keep it in mind!

Mazal tov!

Ruchel

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 7:34 am

Momaleh. My husband invited one guy. he sent two girls. Yes, I was weirded out not to know them and why they came "from my husband". I think it's a natural thing. But in your case he knew you.