When my 6 yr old DD says to me: "shut your mouth"

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 10:04 pm

What is the right reaction?

amother

Peach

Tue, Dec 31 2019, 10:51 pm

"I think you meant to say, 'Mommy, I need some quiet right now.'"

"You'd like me to stop talking? Next time, just say, 'Mommy, do you mind talking? I'm not really able to listen right now.'"

"I see that you'd like me to be quiet, so I'll stop talking to you. Next time, I hope you can find a better way to say it."

DrMom

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 1:14 am

I would try to find out where she picked up that phrase.

Is that how her teacher speaks to students?
Is that how you or your DH speak to her?
Is that what her friends say?

amother

Green

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 5:21 am

Kids will pick up these phrases from the bus, friends , any adults in their lives that slip and say it etc. I highly doubt it was the teacher. The important thing is to teach them it’s not polite and there are better ways to say it.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 5:23 am

We do not say that to Mommy. You can say (give example). if you say that to Mommy you will get (x consequence). If she said that to a teacher which I doubt she would then she would get a consequence.

amother

Lilac

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 5:27 am

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

Do people actually encourage their children to speak this way to them? Why is a 6 year old ever telling her mother to shut her mouth even in a "nice" way?

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 5:59 am

We don’t speak this way. Not to anyone but certainly not to mommy and daddy.

miami85

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 5:59 am

I'm dealing with a 7.5 year old boy who tells me to "shut up" but despite our efforts to ignore/model appropriate language, doesn't seem to eliminate the behavior. Now my 2 year-old imitates him--great. I think it comes with an overall attitude that is just not a pleasant one. Sometimes I think he means to say "I'm not in the mood of a lecture right now, I'm in a bad mood". If I can tackle the attitude--I think the triggers are when he's hungry/tired, then it does seem to diffuse the situation better.

amother

Blonde

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 6:10 am

"Dude, not cool. We don't speak to anyone that way. Is there something bothering you that you would like to talk about?"

I have said that to my DDs and it stops them cold in their tracks.

SuperWify

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 6:11 am

No response at all. Bad language doesn’t warrant any attention at all.

amother

cornflower

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 6:14 am

SuperWify wrote:

No response at all. Bad language doesn’t warrant any attention at all.

Shes 6... shes still learning. A reaction to teach her would be helpful.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 6:16 am

If it happened once I would explain how to rephrase and not acceptable.
If it happens again I think I’d literally shut up and not talk to him for awhile until he asks me nicely that he wants to talk to me.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 6:36 am

age appropriate consequences
actions speak louder than words

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 6:55 am

Wow I’d smack my kid for that. TOTALLY wrong reaction, but that’s what I’d probably do.
And it would likely never happen again, because that’s what would’ve happened to me and dh and we’ve never spoken to our parents like that. (As far as we can remember)

amother

cornflower

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 8:00 am

amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:

Smack a 6 year old for not fully understanding what shes doing wrong?
We cannot base how to treat our children from what our parents did... most of our generation has a ton of issues and they dont speak to their parents.
You're here to teach your child right from wrong with full understanding, not an impulse reaction because you dont know how to actually teach a child...

amother

Ruby

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 8:04 am

"It's not proper to speak to a mother like that." And walk away.

Wait until child is in a better mood, that night or next day to talk about it.

amother

Magenta

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 8:15 am

She's probably repeating something she heard.
What to do about it is based on her personality. Some kids learn with an immediate consequence. Some kids learn with a quick stern look or statement such as: That is really not ok! I'm sure you will never say that again!
I find that today's kids you can punish or lecture from today till next week and the only effective method is to sit next to them a little while later when it's quiet and no one else is around and say: "You know how you said that not nice word before? It's really not ok." And before you even finish your sentence they look sheepish because they already know what you'll say, and you can stop there because the lesson is complete. Mission accomplished.

Tzutzie

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 8:17 am

Does your child have a way to calm down?

"We do not use this kind of language, furthermore, you do not tell a mother waht to do. If you need peace and quiet you can go to your room and close the door."

Then I'd walk her to her room, tell her if she needs quiet she can always hide out in her room and give her a book to calm down. We got her a comfy little couch/seat and a throw with the texture she likes for her to cuddle up and calm down. Really helps. She comes out a totally different child.

We've been doing this for a long time. She seems to calm down once we get her to go into her room and settle in. (She often resists when she's in her moods) But she still doesn't do her on her own. She is only 6 after all.

amother

Amber

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 8:32 am

amother [ cornflower ] wrote:

You cannot do what your parents did. Lol.
If I'd do what my mother did I'd call CPS on myself...... She was a DP child. It was different.
My father who is a child of loving non holocaust survivers - his lessons - a stare, redirection, ignoring most behaviours, and yes when doing something dangerous - an instant smack stayed with me forever. He is my biggest parenting inspiration/guide. I can count on one hand the times he said NO. he so rarely discouraged things that when he did even if he didn't say anything, I knew better than to do it because I wanted to do what will make him proud! And yes I was upset as a child/teen the rare times he said NO. But generally no was no. And once I convinced him to change my mind because his NO was for something he initially thought was a good idea but my paranoid sister convinced him it isn't safe. It totally was safe. But it was ONCE in my entire childhood.
As an adult and as time went on I see more and more how brilliant he is.

There are better ways than to smack a kid.

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Jan 01 2020, 9:07 am

amother [ cornflower ] wrote:

1. My 6 year old knows good and well she can’t talk to me like that, and it wouldn’t be an innocent comment. That’s 1st grade already- they know about chutzpah.
2. My parents only smacked us for extreme chutzpah, which in my opinion the scenario above falls into. (The fact that there are crazy parents doesn’t mean everything that our parents did was ineffective and alienated their kids.)
2. It’s not an impulse reaction- it’s a method of dealing with chutzpah that’s not recommended these days, but that doesn’t mean it’s an out of control anger reaction.
4. This is in general- the other methods of teaching children don’t seem effective to me. I love the ideas and theories - But all the discussions, love, time in, etc. don’t seem to be producing disciplined children. Maybe the people around me doing it are doing it wrong. I don’t know the answer. I just know the discipline dh and I have in our bones doesn’t exist much in the kids I see. My own included.

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