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Need advice ASAP re: being on a panel

 
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fish




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 11:29 am
I was asked to be on a question answer panel for a school shabbaton. I have 2 kids in the school a 6th grader and 8th grader. I told my kids about it and my 8th grader is excited and wants me to do it but my 6th grader doesn't. To the point of crying, slamming doors, temper tantrum ect. She can't even explain why she doesn't want me to do it only that she doesn't want me to just because. We are new in town so this is also an opportunity for me to get to know some other mothers. I'm not sure if I should do it, or shouldnt do just b/c my daughter doesn't want me to for no explainable reason.
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OOTforlife




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 12:51 pm
I would guess that your daughter is worried about being embarrassed in some way. What is the subject of the panel and what is your area of expertise?

Maybe it will help to reassure her that you will not discuss her or anyone in your family.
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wifeandmore




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 1:55 pm
If your daughter ris there then no.
It's a huge deal to middle schoolers.
You'll meet moms other ways.
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polka dots




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 2:13 pm
Don’t do it if she is absolutely refusing. For one reason or another it’s embarrassing to her. It doesn’t mean that you are doing anything wrong. At that age mother are embarrassing just by existing.

But maybe you can work something out. Like you’ll show her the speech before, she light like it and be ok with it.

Or maybe you can talk to the principal and you’ll talk to specific classes and not to hers
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trixx




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 2:36 pm
Just your existence is embarrassing to a 6th grader..but now you want to come to her new school where she's trying to make new friends and maybe even a new persona... You will blow her cover, destroy her chance for reinvention, and probably - since you were asked to be a panel and are presumably very knowledgeable or outspoken on the topic - overshadow her. All very normal but at her age, her chance to make friends is more critical than yours
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trixx




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 4:09 pm
I forgot to say (I was interrupted in the middle of typing) that ofc she doesn't know why, she can't articulate these big feelings, she just feels them. Sit her down and suggest them to her without feeding it. And first apologize for not having considered her feelings. "listen dd, I didn't realize you would feel so strongly about this. I'm sorry that didn't occur to me. I guess it might feel pretty weird for your mom to come school where no else knows you..."
She'll either pipe up like yeah mom, or look at you suspiciously, so keep going.
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ibelongtosomebody




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 4:18 pm
Don’t do it. It’s selfish.
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amother




Mauve
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 4:22 pm
I might be in the minority, but I think that the sixth grader is behaving in an unacceptable way. You can see if she's able to articulate her feelings in a mature way. But if she can't, then tell you will do it

I'm not a fan of letting our children decide our actions, when they're harmless things we do. If my child tells me not to sing in the car along to the CD, just because he doesn't like it, or it annoys him or embarrasses him, well, that's not his place to tell me what I can and cannot do. You being on the panel is singing in public.
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amother




Mauve
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 4:23 pm
ibelongtosomebody wrote:
Don’t do it. It’s selfish.


Question: Aren't we teaching the sixth grader to be selfish instead?
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ra_mom




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 4:26 pm
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
Question: Aren't we teaching the sixth grader to be selfish instead?

No. This is happening in the child's domain.
If it was the parents' social domain then the child would just have to suck it up. But the parent would have to agree not to talk about the child if the child doesn't allow, since that is the child's domain no matter what the setting.
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Oops




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 4:30 pm
polka dots wrote:
Don’t do it if she is absolutely refusing. For one reason or another it’s embarrassing to her. It doesn’t mean that you are doing anything wrong. At that age mother are embarrassing just by existing.

But maybe you can work something out. Like you’ll show her the speech before, she light like it and be ok with it.

Or maybe you can talk to the principal and you’ll talk to specific classes and not to hers


This!!
Good luck!!
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amother




Mauve
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 4:40 pm
ra_mom wrote:
No. This is happening in the child's domain.
If it was the parents' social domain then the child would just have to suck it up. But the parent would have to agree not to talk about the child if the child doesn't allow, since that is the child's domain no matter what the setting.


I hear that. It does give me pause. But ultimately, we all know that the sixth grader is overreacting. The parent isn't giving a relations talk or anything. It's probably a panel about something fairly innocuous. The fact that the eight grader is happy about it means that it's not that controversial.

I think that the parent should do what she wants, and not always let her actions be ruled by a temperamental teenager. I think that sends the wrong message. I'm not sure why we always have to tiptoe around our children's feelings, and I think it's important for our kids to realize that we are people too, and we have desires that don't always jive with theirs.
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amother




Papaya
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 8:14 pm
Really panels aren't for sixth graders anyway. They are way too young for that.
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amother




Denim
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 8:35 pm
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
I hear that. It does give me pause. But ultimately, we all know that the sixth grader is overreacting.

How do we know that?
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polka dots




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 9:24 pm
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
I might be in the minority, but I think that the sixth grader is behaving in an unacceptable way. You can see if she's able to articulate her feelings in a mature way. But if she can't, then tell you will do it

I'm not a fan of letting our children decide our actions, when they're harmless things we do. If my child tells me not to sing in the car along to the CD, just because he doesn't like it, or it annoys him or embarrasses him, well, that's not his place to tell me what I can and cannot do. You being on the panel is singing in public.


I agree that she didn’t react so appropriately and you can address that and how to respond more respectfully. But that’s not a reason to go.

I agree that parents don’t need permission from their kids. But what good will come out if she goes? By her daughters strong reaction you can see that this is a very big deal for her. She might laugh about it in a few years but right now it really stresses her out.

I remember when my lovely, amazing mom wore a hat I hated to pta. I was maybe 10. It was knitted with pastel colored yarn. I didn’t say anything but I felt my heart sink through my stomach. I so badly wished she wouldn’t go. It was a big deal at that time.
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Wed, Jan 01 2020, 10:30 pm
OP, don't do it. For various reasons I have no choice but to work in a camp my children attend. It bothers my 12 yr old. The others are fine with it and one is so proud. The last summer and a half my 12 yr old didn't attend. She stayed home and kept herself busy but my heart broke for her. She has no friends there anymore and when she tried to reach out they'd already formed their groups so she went back to staying home. You have a choice! If you care abt her dont do it to her.
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