How do you do it?!

amother

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 4:16 pm

How do you ladies work full time and never see your kids? Currently out of the house from 8-6 (and can't shorten hours for several reasons) and feeling constantly depressed about not being able to spend time with my baby. I just miss him! He goes to sleep at around 7/7:30. I cry to my husband very often about wanting to quit, but I can't. How do you do it without it affecting your relationship with baby?

gold21

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 5:52 pm

It's really hard. Your feelings are 100 percent normal and healthy.

I felt the same way when I was working full time way back when my oldest was a baby. I really couldn't understand how other full time working mamas made it work, when it practically broke my heart every day. And I felt that there was a social expectation, at least where I lived at the time, to be totally unaffected by the full time working dynamic and to sail through my workdays without any difficult or confusing emotions.

So I just want to say, I understand you and your feelings are normal. And it's okay to struggle with this sort of dynamic. I think many women do, even if they won't admit to it. Hugs.

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 6:43 pm

In terms of guilt, I recently spoke to a parenting expert who said that making the time you are with them solely about them, the quality of that time, will make up for the lack of quantity.

He said not to try to overdo it, because then you'll be transmitting the message that you feel guilty about being away from them. But spend whatever time you can manage fully focused on your child. As he gets older, talk to him, play with him, interact with him.

I agree, OP, it's really hard. Hugs

amother

Navy

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 6:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If you feel you've done everything you can (and it seems you have) then maybe try telling yourself that this is what Hashem wants right now. He runs the world. Don't eat yourself up about it.

amother

Lilac

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 8:14 pm

Can your husband take a job or a higher paying position? Is there any way at all you can quit, no matter the financial sacrifice? The brachah of being a stay at home mother is worth almost any financial sacrifice. You can ask your Rov, but I believe being a stay at home mother is incomparably more important than a husband learning at kollel. As a child's mother, YOU are the most important person in their life. Their first and most important teacher is YOU. To the child, YOU are everything. As a Rabbi once told me, "To children, parents are the closest thing to Hashem." It's so wonderful that your first priority is your children! This is the special character of a Yiddish Mama. And I'm davening that your family can arrange it that you are able to be there with your young children night and day!

amother

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 8:45 pm

gold21 wrote:

Thank you so much for this. It is breaking my heart, I literally feel like I'm tearing my heart apart and leaving a huge part of me behind. And you're right, I am constantly trying to figure out how everyone else around me is leaving their babies so casually - whenever I talk to other woman I don't get the impression that they feel the way I do. And because that is what my husband sees, he sympathizes, but thinks I'm being overly emotional/potentially clinically depressed. However during yom tov or vacation I am perfectly happy and content.

amother

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 8:53 pm

Thank you all so much for the validation, ideas. My husband is not in kollel, but he is working a low paying job and is not making enough effort (in my opinion) to get a higher paying one/further his education. Granted he has taken on a lot of the household responsibilities so that I can do what I'm doing, but I guess it's a vicious cycle. I could try to pull a Laura Doyle and just quit all financial responsibility, but then where would that leave us.

My baby is a little under a year, I'm thinking about making his bedtime a little later so we can spend more time together. I just don't know if he'll be getting enough sleep since he wakes up with me in the morning pretty early.

To whoever mentioned quality over quantity, but not too much, you're spot on! I went into this thinking I need to spend every available moment with him, but I'm worried it'll affect our relationship later. I'm worried I'll always feel guilty that I spent less time with this child and somehow try to compensate. I also put a lot of pressure on myself to be always playing and it ends up being not as enjoyable.

I'm constantly grappling with what to do; I just want to quit/work part time and I don't know who to turn to for eitza. I'm scared about finances later down the line once we have more kids. Staying where I am would allow me to earn more later and potentially work part time. But how could I do this to myself and to my child! People don't understand that it's not just mom guilt. I want to spend time with my baby! I want to be there when he walks, talks etc. and to hear all the cute things he says. This is REALLY REALLY HARD!

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 9:01 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It is very hard. Not too much good advice for you, but my baby is awake with me until bedtime and spends a large chunk of time asleep at the sitter. I did this with 4 kids, and I love spending time alone with the baby at night, when he/she helps me do my housework.

gold21

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 9:11 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My only piece of advice would be that if you're looking to change the working dynamic and have your husband take on more financial responsibility, now's the time. It's only going to get harder and more complicated to make the shift as time marches on. I know, easier said than done. Just sharing my outlook as someone over a decade further into parenting than you are (you mention one baby).

Speaking personally, when we were ready to shift things, we BOTH worked full time and struggled for a while until I was able to cut down to part time. It was really tough.

Just my two cents. I don't know if that is helpful at all.

gold21

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 9:13 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I totally get you.

I felt so alone in my feelings at the time. So take it from me, don't feel that way. You're not alone. Your feelings are healthy.

amother

Black

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 9:33 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You don't sound overly emotional or depressed. You sound like a mother who wants to be physically present in her child's life. That's so, so normal. I worked full time early in my marriage. At a certain point when my second was a baby I just couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't about managing, since I had help. I just felt like I was coming home depleted, the kids went to bed soon after, and my kids barely got to see a calm, happy mother. I cut back at that point to part time, and let my dh know that I wouldn't consider full time work until I felt it was the right time. Like your dh, he believed that plenty of women do it and I should be able to do it too. But I'm not plenty of women, I'm me. And this is my only chance to be this baby's mother, so I'm going to do it the way that my binah yeseirah is telling me it's right FOR ME. We're going through a rough time financially right now, and he asked me again to look for a full time job. But I reminded him that it's not on the table.

amother

Peach

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 10:22 am

I hear you. It was so hard for me to leave my little ones. I did 2 things. First I never put my kids to bed before 8/8:30. I needed to have a little time with my kids. Second, once they was more than 2, I changed my hours. I went to work really early and was home by 4. This way we had more time together.

I know someone who worked crazy hours. She would put her baby in really early and then wake him up at midnight for an hour to play.