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Forum -> Parenting our children

At my wits end

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amother

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 8:15 pm

My son is four and has always been difficult about his clothing. Part of it is sensory but part of it is just being stubborn and willful. Every morning is a fight as is every evening. Sometimes I let him wear the same clothes for days so we don’t have to fight.
He only wears leggings first of all, and only two specific types from target, in two specific colors. But when it comes to shirts there is no rhyme or reason. Sometimes he likes sweatshirts and sometimes not. Sometimes he likes pockets and sometimes not. Sometimes he likes green and sometimes he doesn’t. Today he likes this shirt but tomorrow it bothers his neck. He doesn’t want short sleeve but he also doesn’t want long sleeves. He doesn’t want pajamas but also not school clothes. He wants me to pick out the clothes but he won’t put on anything I tell him. He cries and screams for an hour almost every morning. IM LOSING MY MIND!!! Anyone have a child like this??? Please help!

amother

Pearl

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 9:06 pm

Hugs! This sounds so challenging!

Are there there any other areas where he tends to be rigid/inflexible/fixated/obsessed? Or it's isolated to just clothing?

ectomorph

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 9:15 pm

I suggest an ot evaluations

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 9:18 pm

Poor kid. Imagine being So distressed, so unhappy, that everything AND IT'S OPPOSITE are upsetting to you. What a horrible world he must feel he is living in.

ectomorph

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 9:19 pm

I have a child like this he needs to be in ot

CHMother

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 9:25 pm

These resources may help with the perspective...
1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuoPZkFcLVs
2. https://www.livesinthebalance......y-can
Also see The Explosive Child and/or Raising Human Beings

amother

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 11:00 pm

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

Hugs! This sounds so challenging!

Are there there any other areas where he tends to be rigid/inflexible/fixated/obsessed? Or it's isolated to just clothing?

Yes. He is like this in a lot of areas. How would OT help?

ectomorph

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 3:56 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes. He is like this in a lot of areas. How would OT help?

The long tantrums are the tell. He needs help in sensory integration

amother

Salmon

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 4:40 am

My daughter was like this at the same age. Bh it’s a thing in the past she’s 4 & 1/2 now. I think what stopped it was that she saw that I’m the mother & I make the rules & there’s no debating. I had to be very firm. I told her in advance whatever I’ll prepare for u that’s what you’ll wear...

ectomorph

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 4:46 am

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

Just saying that works for a normal kid. There are kids with neurological differences that this doesn't work for. OT can help you tell the difference.

I have a child with severe secondary integration. No amount of talking, discipline, routine or hitting would make a difference - he just experiences the world in an entirely different way than normal. Things you don't notice are extremely stimulating to him, not having things a certain way is actually painful for him, but he needs intense touch to feel in control of his environment.

We started OT and it's a huge difference.

shmosmom

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 5:37 am

My daughter is 3.5 and we had the same issue.
We did OT for about a year from age 2-3, at which point she graduated. Now I have one draw for school clothes, one draw for underwear and socks and one draw for shabbos clothes. I let her choose every morning from whichever draw. If she stalls then I just take out two options and say "this or this". It's easier now that school dress code requires dresses so most days she usually matches. In the summer it was random long sleeve tops and tiny shorts or tanks and long pants on some days but I looked away cuz that's what she chose. It's not just about the sensory, it's about letting someone choose their own clothes (comfort, self expression, identity, etc.).

amother

Pearl

Sat, Jan 04 2020, 8:29 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes. He is like this in a lot of areas. How would OT help?

I wasn't from the posters that recommended OT, though it may be a piece for you. If this comes up in other areas that are not sensory related, there may be some ocd type of thing going on. I would have him screened for pandas.

ra_mom

Sat, Jan 04 2020, 8:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes. He is like this in a lot of areas. How would OT help?

My daughter has sensory processing issues. It was a nightmare for her and us when she was younger. BH she's doing very well today. It's important to deal with it right away since I saw that when dealt with early it fixed things and later it just helped maintain things.

A little background:

"Sensory processing problems tend to come in two types, under- and over-sensitivity, although it’s common for one child to experience both kinds.

Hypersensitive kids are extremely reactive to sensory stimulation, and can find it overwhelming. They may:

-Be unable to tolerate bright lights and unexpected loud noises
-Refuse to wear clothing because it feels scratchy or irritating—even after cutting out all the tags and labels-or shoes because they feel “too tight.”
-Be distracted by background noises that others don’t seem to hear
-Be fearful of surprise touch, avoid hugs and cuddling even with familiar adults
-Often have trouble understanding where their body is in relation to other objects or people
-Bump into things and appear clumsy
-Have trouble sensing the amount of force they’re applying; so for example, they may rip the paper when erasing, pinch too hard or slam objects down."

Basically, their senses are being overloaded by things that most people have no issue with.
Think of each of the above things feeling like nails scraping down a chalkboard. It's that painful for them. They just want to run away and hide.
OT therapy can help exercise their senses until they are able to regulate on their own.

amother

Slategray

Sat, Jan 04 2020, 8:55 pm

can you get him dressed the night before so he sleeps in his clothes, to eliminate the morning struggle?

ETA I would also look into OT, def needs help solving the underlying issue, but dressing the night before is a suggestion for managing in the meantime

amother

Brunette

Sat, Jan 04 2020, 10:02 pm

Someone just posted this in a fb group I'm in. It's the kid kraft dress up station.

Quote:

My little grump grumpaninny 3 year old who hates wearing certain textures and has given us terrible grief when dressing the last two months got this new set up in his room yesterday. He kissed his new closet and told me at bedtime he was so excited to wake up and pick his clothes. He still fussed about the pants he chose, so we smoothly told him it was his choice, and to go pick a different pair he liked better. He came back down, dressed himself, and voila! Pride in ownership. I bought this off fb marketplace yesterday and I’m so excited. Thanks to this group for the idea! Everyone I shared it with seemed baffled that it could be used beyond dress up clothes.

dankbar

Sat, Jan 04 2020, 10:26 pm

let him choose his clothes

amother

Floralwhite

Sat, Jan 04 2020, 10:52 pm

I wish everyone would stop suggesting that everything is pandas.

Your kid needs OT yesterday. It will take a while until you are able to get him services, and then another while until the therapist gets used to him and he gets used to the provider and starts making progress, so in the meanwhile I will echo everyone else's suggestions.

1- prepare the clothes at night. Have all the pants and shirts he can choose from on one shelf or in one drawer, and let him decide what he wants to wear. You can even have him create the choice drawer. Give up control completely but the rule is you have to wear what you picked out at night. If after school you still don't like wearing that outfit, mommy will remove it from the choice pile tomorrow. Discussing all this the night before, should give you at least some calm mornings. If you know he isn't wearing something completely intolerable to him, it will be easier to be firm with him shall he decide to put up a fuss about his pickings in the morning.

2- I don't know if it bothers you that he is still wearing leggings, but you mentioned it so here goes. There are cotton pants that are not leggings. Experiment with some of those and see if he is willing to wear them. A good idea would be to show him the colors before you buy, so he can pick them and feel in control in another area.

ex. https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse.....ntent

https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse.....ntent

3- talk with his teachers. See how he is in school and if some of the behaviors carry over there, see if they have come up with any solutions that work for him.

4- last and most important, almost no kid under the age of 8 or so misbehaves simply to be stubborn or to spite you. More likely, he cannot express what is bothering him. Perhaps try daily one to one time with him, where you focus only on him and only on positive stuff. Research PCIT, it might be immensely helpful.

Good luck with him. I know what it's like to parent a sensory, oppositional child. It can be draining, to say the least.

amother

Floralwhite

Sat, Jan 04 2020, 10:55 pm

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

OP says he has always been this way. That rules out pandas right off the bat.

amother

Pearl

Sat, Jan 04 2020, 11:12 pm

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

OP says he has always been this way. That rules out pandas right off the bat.

It doesn't really, but whatever.

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