Avoiding criticism

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Avoiding criticism

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amother

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 5:48 pm

I'm finding it so hard to have mostly positive interactions with my DS 11. We do have some nice shmoozing and joking around, but he's the kind of kid who is always slamming doors, walking into a room where people are sleeping and talking loudly, leaving his laundry in a pile on the bathroom floor, etc. He's a sweetheart and isn't trying to annoy me, but we have household expectations and he needs constant reminders. I hate that I'm always asking him to do something, or not do something. Does this make sense? Any ideas?

dankbar

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 5:13 am

Make him a list of things he needs to do & let him follow it on his own pace rather than telling 100 times

amother

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 5:43 am

dankbar wrote:

Make him a list of things he needs to do & let him follow it on his own pace rather than telling 100 times

He is not going to be checking a list to remind himself to eat with his fork and not his fingers, to not slam doors, to stop screaming BOO in his brother's ear, to hang up his bath towel, etc.

oneofakind

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 6:51 am

Is he doing well academically? Does he have appropriate friends? Look at the bigger picture. If there is a problem across the board of lack of focus, clumsiness, impulsivity etc. follow up on that. If he's fine, try spending some quality time with him. There are also many social skills books on the market, find one for his age. I know they exist but don't remember titles.

amother

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 7:12 am

oneofakind wrote:

BH he's doing really well overall. He's a model student and his teachers have always emphasized his beautiful middos. He's well liked and respected by his peers. He's just a normal kid who has a tendency to be forgetful/ less motivated by details. I hate that I'm constantly reminding him of the things that all my kids are expected to do. I wouldn't mind as much if all my kids needed reminders all the time, but it happens to be that my other kids have much more conscientious personalities and they don't need it. I also find that as they get older it's more difficult to give genuine positive feedback- whereas with the younger ones I can praise them on putting on pajamas quickly, making a pretty picture, sharing a toy, whatever- there are fewer opportunities to sincerely praise the older ones, although I'm constantly on the lookout. This throws off the balance of positive interactions vs others.

amother

Pearl

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 7:40 am

You need to decide if it's worth it. He is a wonderful child who is forgetful. Do you really want all this negativity to be a main part of his childhood? Does he really deserve that?
You might want to choose one thing to focus on, that you think is most important. Work with him on that one thing and forget the rest. Give it 6-8 weeks, then choose one more to tackle. Work with him instead of criticizing. Sit with him and come up with a plan together as to what will motivate him to remember. Let him talk and suggest ideas. He is already 11 years old, you want to transition to a more mature stage where he is his own problem solver and you are there to help. Treat him like an almost bar mitzva boy. Remember he is a great kid, does so well in school, has good manners, and is nice to friends. That is the description of himself you want him to be constantly aware of. Not that he is annoying and forgetful around the house.

amother

Pearl

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 7:45 am

Is he your oldest? Notice that he is living with these rules for 11 years kah and still forgets them. It's time for you to change your response because this one hasn't been successful.

You might want to look into the Nurtured Heart program for ideas on how to find positivity in kids as they grow older.

amother

Seashell

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 8:06 am

I was just going to say Nurtured Heart approach but then I saw poster above me just said that. Smile

It's life-changing and specifically focuses on this point that concerns you.

amother

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 9:18 am

Thanks! I started looking into nurtured heart and it seems great. Would you recommend the book or another way of learning it best?

dankbar

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 9:26 am

seems like it might be not just forgetfulness but power struggle as he wants more independence as he is growing older, he might davka ignore your constant nagging

#BestBubby

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 9:40 am

Maybe pick 2-3 behaviors and make a check off list with a reward for improvement?

To make it less babyish, make a written contract with the terms of required improvement spelled out and an age appropriate reward. Don't hang up a chart,
but make a daily checklist that must be checked off and signed by you.

amother

Pearl

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 9:41 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks! I started looking into nurtured heart and it seems great. Would you recommend the book or another way of learning it best?

I read the book years ago and it was enough for me. But many people go for the classes. Whatever works for you.

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