Accommodations for simcha-so upset!

amother

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 11:41 pm

My parents are making shabbos sheva brachos for my sister in a few weeks. My mom was just telling me about everyone's accommodations. the chosson has 2 married siblings. one has a newborn, the other has 3 kids just like I do.

my mom tells me all excited that she found perfect places for them. the one with newborn-one house away from the hall with an eruv. the other she will stay pretty close by to the hall-with 2 bedrooms for her to use and full babysitting for her kids while she;s at the meals.

So I ask my mom-what about me? And she was dumbfounded. then started thinking of all these most ridiculous ideas that make no sense. telling me that my almost 2 year old can walk anyways (8 blocks away! and at 6pm for the friday night meal-then at 11pm when meal finishes...?? hello?!

then she decided that she's will put me at a house about 5 blocks away form the hall and have a friend babysit my kids (whoever I'd want to leave during the meal sleeping etc.) a block away from the place where I'd sleep. and then how exactly am I walking down a long block plus cross a busy avenue (with no eruv) with half sleeping 2 year old in middle of the night???

then she got all upset at me that I'm being difficult. hello? why didnt' you think about me? she knows I have no place to put myself up and just like she is finding places for all the immediate relatives I'm included in that as well...

why do I come last and she didn't even really think about me at all! feeling so sorry for myself!

amother

Thu, Jan 02 2020, 11:55 pm

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

Is this the neighborhood you grew up in?

Yes, and anyone I know that has space to host a family, my mom is already using their house for other ppl. most ppl in this neighborhood don't have big enough houses or have too large families to have room to host guest for simchas.

agreer

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 12:02 am

You have every right to feel upset. It sounds like your mom forgot about you.

Can you leave the 2 year old sleeping with the babysitter? Or, leave the sheva brochos early, put him to sleep w/ babysitter watching, and walk back? Or just leave early at 8/9, when your kid can still make it home? It's not a mitzvah to stay for the whole thing at your child's expense.

Or... can DH take the child home? It is your sister, after all.

Good luck.

amother

Chartreuse

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 12:03 am

Had a similar scenario by a siblings simcha. Everyone was placed except me. I was really hurt. My mother kept flippantly saying how oh it’s no big deal your only 2 kids you can go anywhere. I had to find myself a place, bought my own hostess gift for where I was staying, paid and took care of my own babysitting while my sibs were all taken care of by my mom with gifts for their hosts, babysitting etc. while I walked far with my kids. Then motzai Shabbos when dh and I were beyond exhausted and drive home 3 seconds after havdala we suddenly get calls hey where are you we’re all hanging out together. Me: it’s late and we’re tired we live far and need to get home and go to sleep. See u at the wedding.

I think sometimes ppl have this need to impress the other side, so they go all out for them,then putting their own kids last. Knowing hey it’s my kid so I can shove them around no biggie, they’ll still love me and be there for me since its their kid.

You have a couple of options. Can you leave your kids by your dh family just for Shabbos? It’s only 1 night. you can stay wherever You’re placed, no babysitting worries and you get to enjoy sheva Brachas. Or you can tell your mother that the situation is too hard, you’re staying home so sorry you’ll miss it but need a close by place to stay or you need to stay home. Or go with the flow, take your kid along, work out babysitting And walking and make do. its a choice between you and dh really.
I hope it works out, simchas are beautiful but these nitty gritty details can be so stressful!

amother

Beige

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 12:05 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Okay.

I'm sorry you are upset. I think if I was in the position your mom is in, my assumption would be that my adult daughter, who knows the neighborhood can figure this out herself. She's making a chassunah - cut her some slack.

amother

Yellow

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 12:11 am

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

Nope. No slack.

You can't take care of other people before your own child without making said child feel very hurt.

If OP had volunteered to take care of herself and was a take-charge person, that would be different. But she was relying on her mother, who already booked everyone that OP knows in the neighborhood for other people. Who is OP supposed to call now?

I've been in this situation, with a 1.5 yo and an aufruf and no eruv. I didn't go. Just couldn't make it. And it was the right call.

amother

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 12:29 am

Thanks for making me feel a bit better!! my mom just started taking care of the accomodations so its not like this is being planned for the past 5 weeks and she forgot about me and I'm waking up now. she was giving me a list of all the ppl she placed and how its working out so well on the first week she is working on it and everyone is basically all set....

my mom DOES NOT expect me to place myself. I know that as a total fact. no way am I missing this simcha whether my mom forgot about me or not. I woudlnt' do that for my sister. my mom does this alot that she like when everyone see how great she is and then neglects her own family but this is the latest thing and I'm really upset. I'm pretty chilled with my mom because getting upset at her helps nothing and if I'd open my mouth I'd never hear the end of how ungrateful I am etc. I just told her-whatever you work out for me I'll deal with. and I will! the wedding is on thurs night so if I have don't have a babysitter etc its going to be a disaster and I'll probably be the only one there with kids and everyone will give me dirty looks but too bad.

It's still upsetting that she didn't really think about me or put thought into making anything work for me before everyone else. or not even before anyone else-jsut WITH everyone else Crying

amother

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 12:35 am

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

the neighborhood is not 'close' with each other. like I have no idea the names or faces of who lives past my parents block.. my mom knows lots more than me and I dont' think for a second it crossed her mind that I'd look for my own place to stay.

amother

Beige

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 12:44 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Okay - then her reaction to being 'dumbfounded' when you asked where you'd be staying seems off if it was clear she was going to be dealing with it.

It'll work out.

agreer

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 12:49 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

...

my mom DOES NOT expect me to place myself. I know that as a total fact. no way am I missing this simcha whether my mom forgot about me or not. I woudlnt' do that for my sister. my mom does this alot that she like when everyone see how great she is and then neglects her own family but this is the latest thing and I'm really upset. I'm pretty chilled with my mom because getting upset at her helps nothing and if I'd open my mouth I'd never hear the end of how ungrateful I am etc. I just told her-whatever you work out for me I'll deal with. and I will! the wedding is on thurs night so if I have don't have a babysitter etc its going to be a disaster and I'll probably be the only one there with kids and everyone will give me dirty looks but too bad.

It's still upsetting that she didn't really think about me or put thought into making anything work for me before everyone else. or not even before anyone else-jsut WITH everyone else Crying

WOW! So this is about a lot more than just accommodations. Hugs to you.

You sound like you have a great attitude.

amother

Vermilion

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 12:52 am

Hugs. My mother always impressed the other side while we came last. I didn't have a single friend at my Shabbos Sheva Brachos (that cost upwards of $65K in a hotel) because *my* friends weren't important enough to impress. I was just a nuisance at the simcha.

I am so so so careful never to do this to my kids. I hated the mentality that her husband and kids will always be there so everyone else comes first. It's not true and your mother is wrong.

amother

Beige

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 12:53 am

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

OMG, seriously?

We serve our guests first if we have enough food for everyone. We don't invite guests to our home when we don't have enough food for our kids.

I didn't say we serve guests and let our kids starve.

When there are guests at the table, they get served first - then the family.

amother

White

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 1:00 am

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

I didn't say we serve guests and let our kids starve.

When there are guests at the table, they get served first - then the family.

They get meat and your kids get just vegetables because they have the misfortune of being related? OP has legitimate needs her that are being ignored.

Besides, OP is a guest too. She's just a guest that the hostess doesn't care about impressing. When your hachnosas orchim is about showing off and not about taking care of your guest's needs, then spare us the platitudes about treating guests nicely.

Chesed begins at home.

amother

Beige

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 1:06 am

amother [ White ] wrote:

How is it possible that you understood what I wrote to mean that my guests get meat and my kids get just vegetables?

I disagreed with this

Quote:

You can't take care of other people before your own child without making said child feel very hurt.

I still disagree with that.

amother

Navy

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 1:12 am

(((((HUGS))))) OP!
My mom would always do for everyone before me in regards to anything from making calls to inviting people to going places because she always assumes that since I "know so many people" I can take care of myself and if I would tell her that no I dont know so many people and why was I left out of the loop..... She would get all insulted and totally take it the wrong way..... It ended up being better if I did do what was best for me in the end because this was a cycle that never stopped. I have learned the hard way many times over that if I dont do it myself it won't get done. There's a yiddish expression: געבענטשט זענען די הענטעליך וואס טוען אליינס
Loosely translated: blessed are the hands that do for themselves.

I'm so sorry OP you had to experience this.

amother

Sapphire

Fri, Jan 03 2020, 5:28 am

Is there anyone in the neighborhood you’re close enough to that your dh and kids could stay and eat with at night with dh putting the kids to sleep mid meal and staying there (or even just after a shorter family meal) while you go to sheva brachos and then during the day you’ll all walk over