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Kids coming into parents bedroom. Advice please!
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 8:18 am
My two older boys (9 &11) still come into our master room every morning and want to lie down with us. I HATE IT. They used to come in every night until I got fed up of being woken by them trying to creep into our room in the middle of the night. Now they're knocking on the door every morning, or if I am waking them up they run to our room.

I have a 4 year old, its normal for that age to wake up still. Not at their age! It makes me crazy, I just want my privacy!

My husband thinks its normal and lets them come in. I have to tell them to leave the room so I can get dressed. It doesn't help that he is still in bed so they don't feel any rush (though he is responding to urgent work emails/messages etc because he has offices in a few places so hes not being lazy, but the kids just lie there and I'm like GO START GETTING DRESSSED)

I also don't want them lying in my bed at their age. ( I plan on discussing this with them.) I don't mind tucking them in, sitting on their bed and chatting, hugs, etc. but for this age I think they shouldn't be in my bed or their dad's bed. My husband is ok with this and thinks its not a big deal, I'm like NO they need to grow up and get out of the room and our beds!!I don't want them in our beds, ever. Sitting and talking I don't mind. Lying down or sleeping absolutely not.

They also like using our shower (instead of their shower/bathtub) and I just feel like I'm constantly telling them to get out of my space. This is also not a big deal to my husband.

The older they get the less time I have to myself and alone time with my husband. So I need to draw some lines somewhere.

B'H our children are close to us and love to spend time with us, and my husband and I make huge efforts to sit and talk, spend time with them. They see less of my husband though.

SO, before setting some boundaries and expectations with my husband/children, whats normal? What should I expect?

-for coming in the room at all
-for coming in the room in the morning
-for lying down with parents

I know it differs in each house, but I'm wondering if there is something for this age that I should be understanding or changing.

Thoughts?
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amother




Aubergine
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 8:32 am
We let them come into our room sometimes for DMC’s, Schmoozing etc.
I like to relax at the end of the day and pick up my tired feet in bed and my dh sits on the recliner next to it and we talk and unwind a little and sometimes have them join for that if they ask to schmooze.
But after 20 min or half hr max of that we tell them g’nite and they go to their room.
They don’t come to our beds ever.
Our bathroom? Never.
They don’t even come into our room without permission.
It’s the only private space I have in the house and only my husband shares it.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 8:38 am
OP, it's nice that you are close with your kids, but it sounds like you are too close for comfort. You are right to set boundaries.

The problem isn't the kids. The kids will never change until you get DH to respect your boundaries. Just because something isn't a big deal to him, doesn't mean he gets to undermine your authority with the kids. If the tables were turned, I'm sure he'd be very upset that you didn't respect him.

Once you can convince DH that this is important for you, and that him respecting your feelings is a loving thing to do, then you can start making rules for the house. Until then, this is the way things are going to be.
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mo5




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 8:38 am
I have ds of a similar age and I love that they still want to come and lie down next to us. They wait and knock and it usually only happens on the weekend mornings.
Before you know it, they’ll be older and embarrassed if you do more then wave at them goodbye in public.
I don’t let them use our shower usually.
It’s individual and up to your comfort level but there’s nothing wrong with your sons wanting to come in.
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amother




Gray
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 8:41 am
I like my own quarters and my kids used to think I share mine! I put boundaries no one walks into my bathroom. No one touches my bed and my room is not a hangout I was strict with it for a while and by now I don’t have to say anything. Ask your husband politely to respect your wishes.
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happyone




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 8:44 am
I personally dont mind them coming to my bed to schmooze. My bathroom is off limits , and they never come in without permission. However, if you feel you need to have your space, set boundaries. You can put your bedroom completely off limits but offer to come out earlier in the morn if they are awake. Or have them knock into your room only when dressed and ready in the morning. This can be a good transition. Once dressed, they may not be interested in getting under your covers.
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trixx




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 8:49 am
Agree with FF, the problem isn't your kids but the fact that your husband isn't united in your stance so they're receiving mixed messages so obv they're listening to the more lenient ones, and if so you are probably coming across to them as slightly undermined/the nagging one in the process.
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Kinor Dovid




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 9:07 am
trixx wrote:
Agree with FF, the problem isn't your kids but the fact that your husband isn't united in your stance so they're receiving mixed messages so obv they're listening to the more lenient ones, and if so you are probably coming across to them as slightly undermined/the nagging one in the process.

I dont think she’s getting undermined because I didn’t read that she communicated to her husband how she feels about it!
She just writes that he thinks it’s normal so he let’s them come in but that it’s bothering her.
Both his and her’s reactions are normal.
I didn’t read anywhere that she expressed her discomfort to anyone, OP is just feeling it and is planning to express it but first she wants our opinions.
So I don’t think her husband is doing anything wrong and therefore when she expresses herself then it shouldn’t be with the complaint that he’s not respecting her feelings!
I think she should express her feelings on the matter.
And until then we cant frame it as a ‘problem’.
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amother




Mint
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 9:16 am
Since it bothers you you definitely can change the "rules". Frame it as the kids are getting older and let DH know you are doing this and expect his support.
Tell the boys also they are getting older etc and so...expect it will take some time for everyone to adjust to the new rules which can be for everyone.
You will feel much better. You can definitely reclaim your own adult space. Your bedroom and bathroom can be much more your private space.
hugs and hatzlocha
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losingweight




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 9:24 am
Does your bedroom have a lock on the door? Use it. And don't unlock it if you don't want to. Their knocking can be a signal for you to get dressed and meet them in their room. And about your bathroom, just say no. Say it enough times till they hear you.
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dankbar




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 11:48 am
Get your door to automatically shut closed, when you leave the room, with a combination lock from outside, if it bothers you
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amother




Cerise
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 12:00 pm
We always went into our Mom's bed...she had a big TV in our room and let us come in all the time to watch. We sat in her bed and laid in her bed and if she was there, she'd snuggle with us. It was the best.
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leaf




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 4:01 pm
how frustrating! would it work for you if you limited family snuggle time to one day a wk (say sunday mornings..)?
didn't have a chance to read thru the responses, so if this has already been suggested, I apologize for being redundant
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 9:27 pm
Lock your door. End of story.
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amother




Khaki
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 1:12 am
I’m almost embarrassed to say this but curious if I’m really the only one...? My parents room was always open to us and the best best shmoozes I’ve had with my mother were the ones I had with her while curled up in her bed next to her... That’s where I shared a lot of my thoughts and anxieties about growing up and friendships and asked her advice... and I did that straight through my early 20’s till I got married! From when I was really little, Friday nights after the meal we always went into our parents’ beds for a hug and We’d sit around and shmooze and laugh and tell stories... and we kept doing it year after year till all my older siblings were married and my younger brother was in yeshiva and I was the only one home and I would still go up with my mother and shmooze in her bed for a while ... we laughed about it a lot- like “you should probably not put this on your Shidduch resume... that you still go in your mommy’s bed” As for my father- when I hit puberty I felt really weird going in my fathers bed and asked my mother to talk to him for me to let him know that I felt too big to be in his bed... and he totally understood... but with my mother, there was never a time that I felt too big...

With my kids, my husband said early on that he didn’t want the kids in our beds at night- and I totally understood him and agreed with him and once our babies get moved to their own room- they stay there! All baby feedings, toddler bad dreams, etc all get tended to in their own rooms through the night ... (well my oldest is only 3 now so don’t know how life will play out in the future...) but once daylight peeps through the shades, my 3-year-old knows she can come cuddle in my bed or my husband’s bed in the morning. I love this boundary because we have our privacy at night, yet mommy’s bed is not off limits... those shnuggly mornings are the best mornings in my opinion!


Of course each person has to set the boundary that works for them... just wanted to share another perspective Smile
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 6:39 am
Thanks everyone, I really appreciate each of you for taking time to write out your opinions. I have discussed it briefly with my husband in the past , we haven't set any boundaries yet. I'm more prepared to discuss it with him now.

I don't mind the snuggling for me, not not to lay down in my bed. And to leave it to bed time, they don't need to be in our room in the mornings at all. For my husband he can decide what he thinks is ok but he can go to their room.

For the record I do make sure that my kids get as much of my time attention and physical affection as I can give throughout the day so its just a habit that they're coming to our room, they're not looking for anything they're missing. I can't always be on call for something like this at this age already.
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amother




Rose
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 6:50 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:


For the record I do make sure that my kids get as much of my time attention and physical affection as I can give throughout the day so its just a habit that they're coming to our room, they're not looking for anything they're missing. I can't always be on call for something like this at this age already.


I understand the feeling of not having enough private space.

That said, be VERY very careful with pushing them out. I know for you they are 'big' kids, and you feel you 'can't always be on call' for them at this age.

But they aren't that big at all, in the big picture. And it's quite endearing that even at this preteen age, they want your attention.

They will be big hulking teens before you know it, and men after that. And many males, unfortunately, tend to be distant and uncommunicative. I would encourage this cozy, affectionate, chatty side of them as much as possible.

Maybe try to move this snuggling to their room? Or think of another way to limit it somewhat but not distance them.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 7:14 am
Why do parents do this to themselves? My bff had a real problem with her ds, still insisting on sleeping in her bed when he was seven years old. Privately I wondered if she was using this as an excuse not to have relations, even though she moaned how she’s going nuts and can’t keep the kid out. Can’t? There’s no lock on the door? Then buy one of those sliding lock things they put on bathroom stalls. What do people think is going to happen when they make their bedroom a cozy family playground?

You wouldn’t have this problem if you didn’t get into the habit of having kids in your room. It doesn’t have to be a big fat mysterious off-limits secret lair that they can’t ever enter for any reason whatsoever even in the daytime unless they’re bleeding from the head, the way some imamothers make it, just interact with your kids in their room once they’re past infancy.
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amother




Firebrick
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 8:58 am
My kids are much younger, but I do not allow them on my bed. They can come in the bedroom in the morning. I have a mattress on the floor they can lay on as long as they are very quiet. If anyone makes noise, they have to leave and go play in the living room. I am not a touchy feely person so I do not cuddle with older kids (babies, yes). My husband is a little more touchy and has less of those boundaries.
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amother




Seagreen
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:23 am
Well.. I have to admit that both my 18 yo daughter AND my 16 yo son both still like to come to our room for conversation and cuddles
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