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Getting married right after seminary
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 1:57 pm
So dd is "seeing" a boy very seriously. Seeing is in quotes becuse she is in Seminary in Israel and he is in the states. She knows him from before, but only as a friend of her brothers. She had spoken to him before Israel, and a bit after she left for seminary. Now they decided they want to date and have been in contact very often (daily) through phone and whatsapp.

DD is talking marraige with him.

DDs older sister says dd should wait 6 months after sem--inary for marraige. That she needs to come down from the seminary "high" before settling down. That marraiges right after sem do not do well.

So my question is-did you get married right after sem? Do you know anyone who did? How did it work out?
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trixx




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:01 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So dd is "seeing" a boy very seriously. Seeing is in quotes becuse she is in Seminary in Israel and he is in the states. She knows him from before, but only as a friend of her brothers. She had spoken to him before Israel, and a bit after she left for seminary. Now they decided they want to date and have been in contact very often (daily) through phone and whatsapp.

DD is talking marraige with him.


DDs older sister says dd should wait 6 months after sem--inary for marraige. That she needs to come down from the seminary "high" before settling down. That marraiges right after sem do not do well.

So my question is-did you get married right after sem? Do you know anyone who did? How did it work out?


6 months isn't going to make a difference. It's the mindset. If she's in sem now and thinks she wants to marry him she'll think the same in 6 months. That's bc her head was never first in sem and then in dating, it's all over the place at the same time.
Let her have her time in sem. And date him when she comes back. Nothing good can come of daily phone calls anyways.
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amother




Jetblack
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:08 pm
Tons of girls get married right after seminary. I don't see a difference in getting married right after or 1 year after.

I do see a difference in those that get married at 19 vs. those that get married at 21/22. And I think it's better at 21/22.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:21 pm
trixx wrote:
6 months isn't going to make a difference. It's the mindset. If she's in sem now and thinks she wants to marry him she'll think the same in 6 months. That's bc her head was never first in sem and then in dating, it's all over the place at the same time.
Let her have her time in sem. And date him when she comes back. Nothing good can come of daily phone calls anyways.


I told her that when she asked me about dating someone while in sem. She didn't listen. As much as I'd like to dictate what she does, she will do what she wants. The only thing I my be able to do is push off the wedding date when they do get engaged. Using the excuse that I need more time to get ready for the wedding.
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amother




Tan
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:23 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So dd is "seeing" a boy very seriously. Seeing is in quotes becuse she is in Seminary in Israel and he is in the states. She knows him from before, but only as a friend of her brothers. She had spoken to him before Israel, and a bit after she left for seminary. Now they decided they want to date and have been in contact very often (daily) through phone and whatsapp.

DD is talking marraige with him.

DDs older sister says dd should wait 6 months after sem--inary for marraige. That she needs to come down from the seminary "high" before settling down. That marraiges right after sem do not do well.

So my question is-did you get married right after sem? Do you know anyone who did? How did it work out?


If shes dating this way, shes not on a sem high.

I got married on a sem high, flipped out and got married to super right wing guy right after sem. Though we are living a very diff life than originally planned, we are both happily married for 10 years bh.
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amother




Amber
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:26 pm
I don't understand this thread. Communicating by phone and whatsapp is not dating and getting to know the person at all.
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amother




Amber
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:28 pm
Also doesn't this all kind of defeat the purpose of the seminary year? When I went decades ago, the girls who were all wrapped up in the boys they were dating, did not get out of the year what their peers were getting and what it was all designed for.
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amother




Cerise
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:33 pm
Marriages turn out differently than we plan (for better and sometimes worse), because as we grow we become different people than we were at 19 or 20. Baruch Hashem for that! When you meet Mr. Right, you just know. Both Mr. Right and Mrs. Right will change in their lifetimes, but the important thing is that they have the middos to get through the rough patches to make their marriage work. Your daughter and the man she is seeing are both adults, despite still being supported by their parents. In my opinion, so long as this is a bocher with good middos and some sort of a reasonable plan for his life (not that you'll support him until he's 30, then he will 'go into some sort of a business'), it's better not get involved, and let their relationship take its course. If they decide to get engaged and marry soon after your daughter returns from Sem, they'll appreciate your having given them so much trust and respect.

Edited to add that your passive involvement from the outside is one thing, and entirely appropriate of course. But older daughter(s) active involvement in such a sensitive and private issue is not. it's best to tell your other daughter(s) not to get involved at all, and let this be between you and your daughter. If your older daughters are giving advice which doesn't pan out well for your younger daughter, they run the risk of her bearing a grudge against them indefinitely.
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amother




Babyblue
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:44 pm
amother [ Amber ] wrote:
I don't understand this thread. Communicating by phone and whatsapp is not dating and getting to know the person at all.

We did phone and Gmail chat, dated for a couple days, continued phone and Gmail chat, and the next time we met we got engaged.
DH has a friend who did mostly Skype dates.
You can definitely get to know a person by phone and messages, sometimes even better than when you do in-person dating.
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amother




Amber
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:46 pm
amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:
We did phone and Gmail chat, dated for a couple days, continued phone and Gmail chat, and the next time we met we got engaged.
DH has a friend who did mostly Skype dates.
You can definitely get to know a person by phone and messages, sometimes even better than when you do in-person dating.


I would say that you MAY get to know a person that way. But if a person has something to hide, a midda they wouldn't want you to know about, etc. you will likely not find out about it this way. I would GREATLY discourage my daughter from doing something like that.
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banana123




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:47 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So dd is "seeing" a boy very seriously. Seeing is in quotes becuse she is in Seminary in Israel and he is in the states. She knows him from before, but only as a friend of her brothers. She had spoken to him before Israel, and a bit after she left for seminary. Now they decided they want to date and have been in contact very often (daily) through phone and whatsapp.

DD is talking marraige with him.

DDs older sister says dd should wait 6 months after sem--inary for marraige. That she needs to come down from the seminary "high" before settling down. That marraiges right after sem do not do well.

So my question is-did you get married right after sem? Do you know anyone who did? How did it work out?

Bring her home for Pesach and let them date for real. They can get when the year ends and get married in Elul. Mazal tov!
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mig100




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:49 pm
amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:
Tons of girls get married right after seminary. I don't see a difference in getting married right after or 1 year after.

I do see a difference in those that get married at 19 vs. those that get married at 21/22. And I think it's better at 21/22.


How do you see this?
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amother




Babyblue
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:49 pm
amother [ Amber ] wrote:
I would say that you MAY get to know a person that way. But if a person has something to hide, a midda they wouldn't want you to know about, etc. you will likely not find out about it this way. I would GREATLY discourage my daughter from doing something like that.

Anything a person has to hide, they can hide in real-life dating too. Many are the people who dated in-person and did not notice that their date had a problematic personality/ midda, many are the people who purposely hid such problems while dating in-person.
I would never encourage someone to do what we did, I do think it has risks, but OP's daughter is doing it anyways, and I don't think you can say that she and the boy she's dating can't get to know each other this way. They can, it's not without risks (like anything in life) but what OP says isn't going to make a difference at this point anyways.
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:52 pm
There's shidduch dating, and there's finding each other dating. I think you need some IRL guidance for this.
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amother




Amber
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:53 pm
amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:
Anything a person has to hide, they can hide in real-life dating too. Many are the people who dated in-person and did not notice that their date had a problematic personality/ midda, many are the people who purposely hid such problems while dating in-person.
I would never encourage someone to do what we did, I do think it has risks, but OP's daughter is doing it anyways, and I don't think you can say that she and the boy she's dating can't get to know each other this way. They can, it's not without risks (like anything in life) but what OP says isn't going to make a difference at this point anyways.


It's much harder to control reactions and emotions in real life dating. If someone successfully hid something like this while dating in-person, then they didn't date long enough or smart enough (I.e. put their heads in the sand/didn't want to admit to what they were seeing, etc.)

Especially if this is the first guy she has "dated", this is a huge mistake. To say OP's daughter is doing it anyways, sounds absurd. If your child was doing something potentially dangerous, you wouldn't speak up? What does this girl know about dating? about men? Maybe she is just "in love" with the idea of being "in love", a very common phenomenon.
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:53 pm
Don’t make it into a big thing. She doesn’t really know him. When she comes back, let them date and see how it goes. Be very careful about expressing opinions!! If you tell her she’s too young she’ll want him more than before, to prove you wrong. Just be chilled and kind but not too interested. It will probably fizzle out. What a shame she’s not getting the most out of seminary because she’s distracted.
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Gerbera




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 2:55 pm
amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:
We did phone and Gmail chat, dated for a couple days, continued phone and Gmail chat, and the next time we met we got engaged.
DH has a friend who did mostly Skype dates.
You can definitely get to know a person by phone and messages, sometimes even better than when you do in-person dating.


I completely agree with this. I dated my husband long distance in a different continent and we talked daily and got to know eachother SO well because all we could was talk...and talk we did! We are BH married 13 years now. I have 2 friends who also dated cross continent and will say the exact same. May not work for everyone but worked for us.
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amother




Vermilion
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 3:20 pm
Try to ignore this as anything you say will push her towards him. Do not have them date over Pesach. Whe she gets home form the year, she can/should date him for 3-6 months in person (I would really say 6). Then have a 3-6 month engagement.
The problem is, speaking as the mother of a stubborn 18yo DD, her mind is made up, so really nothing is going to change. Dating in person is not going to give her a new perspective of him or change anything. She is starstuck and has blinders on and has already made up her mind.
You said that he is a friend of her older brother. What do you know and think of him. In other communities you would be marrying her off to a boy you barely know and that she barely knows based on his resume. Is he shayach even though we are not in favor of the Whattsapp plan?
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amother




Jetblack
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 3:32 pm
mig100 wrote:
How do you see this?


Mainly with respect to work, which I believe is huge for a woman nowadays.

The girls I know who got married at 19 are teaching (without credentials) or secretaries. I feel like they graduated high school and went straight back to school. it's just one long continuation for them.

The girls who waited till 21/22 got degrees (some masters). They have better earning potential and a more mature outlook.

I've seen it in my own fam - my SIL who got married at 21 is so happy she didn't get married at 19 because she learned to drive and started her SLP degree.

This is just my generalization. Not everyone is like this. But I feel like many are.
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amother




Black
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 5:01 pm
Op, not sure which community you belong to, I wouldn't want my daughter shmoozing with a boy on the phone or WhatsApp!
if you have no control over situation because she doesn't listen anyway I would have her date him in person asap, and get engaged if he's the right one!
If she would listen, I would advise to stop all communication until seminary is over, you check out the boy and if you approve then start a real shidduch in the summer.
I don't think your OP question is the right one at this point!!
Let's say 100 posters would tell you it's better to get married 2 years after seminary then what?
(P.s: I got engaged during seminary and married right after, I don't regret it at all because I'm bh happily married but it would have been nice to get a degree and a good job which I don't have at this point!)
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