The coveted status of victimhood

Zehava

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:22 am

The only ones who feel that way are the ones who haven’t suffered. Or the ones in denial.
Suffering is real. Trauma is real. It affects you for life. It doesn’t allow you to breathe, to relax, to experience life, and to form healthy relationships.
Healing is a brutally hard and lonely journey. No matter how much support one gets, they journey is still theirs alone.
No one, absolutely no one, would choose to suffer their entire lives for status.

amother

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:29 am

Zehava wrote:

The only ones who feel that way are the ones who haven’t suffered.

There are no such people. There are those whose suffering occurs naturally, and those who suffer at the hands of others, and there are varying degrees of suffering, but there is nobody who doesn't suffer.

#BestBubby

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:33 am

In a divorce, both parties claim to be the victims of the other's abuse.
It's hard to know who is the real victim and who is the oppressor.
Sociopaths are good at playing the victim and smearing the other side.

Quarreling children also both run to parents claiming to be the victim.

mrsjay

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:49 am

While trauma and suffering is real I know too many who played the victim card and are stuck in their pit of despair when they had so many opportunity’s, support, talent ..to jump of that hole quickly but they choose to live in their disparity. I cry for them for they are the only ones at this point who can get them out of their misery.

amother

Ecru

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:52 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Does anyone else feel that in some areas of modern society, victimhood is such a status booster that people would prefer to suffer rather than to not be a victim of anything?

I find that in some of these cases, someone has been somewhat of a victim, but to a degree that it is tolerable enough to be worth living through and cash in on.

I am NOT minimizing any pain. At all. I am just pointing out one specific category. And in the contrary, I feel like this specific category minimizes those who are actually suffering by saying they are going through the same thing.

For example, think the #metoo movement. There are people who were r*ped, people who were harassed, etc. And then someone posts a #metoo story how someone whistled while checking them out at Dave and Busters and it made them uncomfortable.

Or another example is someone I don't know but overheard stating that he chose to not undergo full rehab after an accident because if he has sustaining injury he can sue. WTH.

zaq

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:54 am

IDK that it’s a modern thing. There have always been those who enjoy the attention they get for being a victim and milk every situation for all it’s worth. There is even a mental disorder called Münchausen syndrome, in which people injure themselves, fake symptoms of illness or actually make themselves ill, often in bizarre ways such as by ingesting poisons or feces, for the sympathy and attention they get as a result.

There are always people who are never so happy as when they have something to complain about. Not to mention “professional victims” who make a living by getting hurt and filing personal-injury lawsuits.

Some people have a “victim mentality” and others have a “survivor mentality.” They may have identical experiences but they respond to them differently. “I was a victim of a mugging.” “I survived a mugging.”

ssspectacular

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:55 am

I agree with Zehava. Most people don't want to be victims; they would do anything to get out of their troubles. But they haven't found the way. Think of addicts, overweight people, people struggling with mental illness. Most of them try very hard to help themselves. Sometimes the problems are too deep to be resolved completely.

mrsjay

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:59 am

ssspectacular wrote:

In my post and I’m assuming in many others posts I was not referring to addicts, overweight, or debilitating mental illness.

amother

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 12:01 pm

zaq wrote:

Some people have a “victim mentality” and others have a “survivor mentality.” They may have identical experiences but they respond to them differently. “I was a victim of a mugging.” “I survived a mugging.”

Isn't that offensive in a way to certain real victims who don't fully survive? It implies that it's all something the person can control.

amother

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 12:02 pm

I'm not trying to say that people who really suffer from trauma are trying to get the status of victimhood. In fact, from what I've personally seen, those are the people who are most likely to reject that title, while others are the ones who are constantly reaching for it.

ora_43

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 12:12 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I don't think it's as conscious as you're making it sound.

There might not be a "real" victim and oppressor. (DISCLAIMER abuse is real and there are many relationships where one person is 100% (or close to) in the oppressor role and one is 100% victim.) Eg let's say Miriam and David fight. She's upset because he made a big purchase without telling her, which triggered her fear of not having enough (linked to a childhood in a family under constant financial strain). She calls him "irresponsible." Now he's angry, because she's just triggered his childhood memories of being constantly criticized as irresponsible and lazy at school.

Who's the victim?

By and large we all see our own victimhood, and not the ways in which we victimize others. Some people are true sociopaths who deliberately smear their victims, but I think most people who claim to have been the sole victim in a relationship believe it (and again, some are right, since abuse is real).

When a child runs to her mother complaining that Sarah hit her, when really she hit Sarah first, she genuinely sees herself as the victim. In her mind, she only gave Sarah a little potch that probably didn't even hurt at all, but Sarah hit her hard.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 12:13 pm

My children love being the patient! They are jealous of the attention their sib got for being a cancer patient!
They are so excited to go to the doctor, get the sticker & be carried in the carriage! They will scream & jump for any little tiny boo boo hundred times!
My real patient, hates the attention! He runs away when people want to just see him or crowd around him! He doesn't want to be viewed as the sick & weak one! Wants to be normal! Won't tell me when he has pain & laughs how his sibs get hysterical for any little ailment!

amother

Natural

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 12:15 pm

Don't get me started on today's victimhood society. I'm a victim of it.

My husband came from a very abusive and dysfunctional family . His mother used to physically and emotionally beat him. He always had issues stemming from it but they were controlled to a degree .Until three years ago when he decided to go to a hot shot therapist who "really" understood him and would really cure of him trauma once and for all....

Over those three years he basically turned into a good for nothing career victim. He no longer has a job or goes to shul or does most of the things he was doing three years ago. He just sits on the recliner wasting time online. Unless he is going to his twice or thrice weekly therapy or support groups...

At first his excuse was that his therapist said that things will get worse before they get better. Now his excuse is "this just shows how messed up my childhood made me and you have no right to judge me!!! you can't put a time limit on how long it takes to heal from such trauma etc."

He is definitely a career victim taking advantage of his bad situation in combination with todays honored victim status.

ora_43

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 12:20 pm

Zehava wrote:

The only ones who feel that way are the ones who haven’t suffered. Or the ones in denial.

Or the abusers, but yeah.

The problem is that while there really are people who are super-focused on their own victimhood despite having pretty good lives, for every one person like that, there are another 4-5 people who actually are victims but don't like to admit that even to themselves.

And those 4-5 are the only ones listening when people talk about people "playing the victim."

The 70-year-old man who says he's a victim of ageism because 30-year-old women don't want to date him (true story! I truly wish it wasn't) hears "don't play the victim" and is like "yes, tell them OP! This generation is such whiners." Only the 25-year-old who suffered abuse in childhood and is now in an abusive marriage is like, "oh, she means people like me. She's so right, I should stop focusing on my own suffering and start thinking about the parts of this that are my fault."

(Not blaming you, OP. It's not your fault that the people who need to listen are never the ones who actually do.)

ssspectacular

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 12:21 pm

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

Don't get me started on today's victimhood society. I'm a victim of it.

My husband came from a very abusive and dysfunctional family . His mother used to physically and emotionally beat him. He always had issues stemming from it but they were controlled to a degree .Until three years ago when he decided to go to a hot shot therapist who "really" understood him and would really cure of him trauma once and for all....

Over those three years he basically turned into a good for nothing career victim. He no longer has a job or goes to shul or does most of the things he was doing three years. He just sits on the recliner wasting time online. Unless he is going to his twice or thrice weekly therapy or support groups...

At first his excuse was that his therapist said that things will get worse before they get better. Now his excuse is "this just to show how messed up my childhood made me and you have no right to judge me!!! you can't put a time limit on how long it takes to heal from such trauma etc."

Yes he is definitely a career victim taking advantage of his bad situation in combination with todays honored victim status.

Something is very wrong with this scenario.
Maybe he needs medicine, a diff therapist, support?
Why are you treating him so harshly?