What’s with the pushing and shoving at simchas?!

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amother

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 4:44 pm

I grew up in a proper home where manners are expected and you say please and thank you and don’t butt in into adults conversation.
My parents were old fashioned.
But ever since I became frum, and I integrated myself fully well in the frum world, I am absolutely appalled at the amount of pushing and shoving for food or desserts at simchas or family gatherings.

I would be standing in line, and next thing I know I’m being pushed around and I’ll be left with a measly amount of dessert.
What is up with that??
That’s the only thing that bothers me.
Why can’t people seriously wait their turn like normal people??? 3 years being frum and I never seen anything like this.

hodeez

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 4:49 pm

I don't know how to answer you without saying a whole lot of LH..

amother

Fuchsia

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 4:59 pm

I don't know what you are talking about...

At the simchos I go to, no one pushes and shoves.

meyerlemon44

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 5:01 pm

It's not just pushing and shoving; the frum world allows a lot of rudeness that would never fly in the secular world. (I remember going to wedding where dozens of the frummer relatives stood chatting and letting their kids play in the back of the room during the chuppah.)

Last edited by meyerlemon44 on Mon, Jan 06 2020, 5:04 pm; edited 1 time in total

thunderstorm

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 5:01 pm

I’ve never experienced that B”H. Maybe I don’t go to enough simchos.😀

DrMom

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 5:12 pm

I can't stand it either.

And there's no reason for it. It's not like they are going to run out of food.

amother

Crimson

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 5:16 pm

Happens to be we were at a hotel last shabbos where the food was endless. I was so surprised that everyone was waiting their turn so patiently and there was no pushing and shoving!
I'm also appalled by the pushing at simchos. My little girls nebach stand there waiting for a bit of ice cream & adults just shove their way in! It drives me mad, let the little kids have ice cream, you won't die from hunger!!

amother

Crimson

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 5:39 pm

Sorry about that.

little neshamala

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 5:45 pm

I gues it depends what circles you mingle in...BH I dont really see this.
And im pretty "old fashioned " manners wise, so I would realize

Simple1

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 6:13 pm

It struck me recently, that all these complaints about frum Jews and bad manners might be regional to New York - a big city thing. And I looove NY, so I don't mean it in a bad way. I came to this realization when I went not so long ago on the Staten Island Ferry - it was crowded and people were shoving and pushing to get onto the Ferry. A mostly non Jewish crowd. Maybe it's that NY is a big city and you do what you need to do to survive. But deep down inside of most frum Jews is a good heart and that's what really counts.

avrahamama

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 6:17 pm

I grew up in a traditional but not frum community and there was plenty of shoving and pushing. I think it's more of a big family communy feeling. Everyone is always in each other's face.

Not necessarily a frum thing.

ectomorph

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 7:38 pm

Never experienced this. I have lived in town and oot.

happyness

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:04 pm

Simple1 wrote:

Yes.

My pediatrician was telling me how when she worked in the ER as a resident, unfortunately our community didn't have a pleasant name due to sometimes a lack of manners...

So I was discussing it with my husband, why is it that way? Because they are all nice people who value respectful manners.

I thought his answer made sense-

It's not an excuse, but we have lots of children compared to the one or two in a typical non-Jewish family, and we live a very hectic busy life, and we don't always take the time to slow down and pay attention to detail and manners. (though of course we should..)

However, ask any of them for a favor, a chessed and they will run a mile for you. They will be there for you where many polite 'thankers' wouldn't.

That being said, Adam l'amal yulad, we are here to work on ourselves, and we should try to take the moment to pay attention. To be appreciative. To express ourselves with dignity and respect despite the hectic circumstances.

We need to embody a respect for all those around us. And our children will follow suit. And we will raise generations of respectful Jews. What a kiddush Hashem!!

naturalmom5

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:49 pm

Bh... I never saw this by the ladies side..
About 25 years ago my husb used to have frequent fights some very wild at weddings

Combination he drank too much and guys pushed him

happyone

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:50 pm

I don't know which crowd you're in, but in my circles simchas are the one place everyone is on their best behavior. I always say how interesting I find that when dressed in their finest , somehow the most disrespectful or bitchy people are suddenly sweet and mannered .
I'm sorry this is your experience. Sad

amother

Cyan

Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:51 pm

meyerlemon44 wrote:

serious? the secular world is so mannered. rudeness doesn't exist?

amother

Teal

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 12:20 am

I LOVE NY

Leaving Brooklyn? Fugedaboudit!

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 12:21 am

Also... do you see this pushing and shoving by the women's side? I'd assume as you're a woman...

However, in my community, 90% of the women just look at the food. They don't eat it. There's tons of space around the buffet.

I'd imagine it's the same in the larger frum communities where there's so much pressure to look good.

ectomorph

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 6:27 am

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

serious? the secular world is so mannered. rudeness doesn't exist?

People like to bash frum people. I have lived in Brooklyn and OOT in frum communities my whole entire life. I've been in shuls ranging from Chassidish to Reform. I've never seen pushing and shoving for food.

Rappel

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 6:33 am

I don't see it in my current circles. In the circles I grew up in, I was appalled at how eagerly people perceived food. I don't know why they were so obsessed, but it was very off-putting. I stopped eating at kiddushes when I was around ten, because I didn't want to be associated with the behaviour around me.

Again, it is not universal, and I don't see it where I live now. But I know what you're talking about, and I find it nauseating.

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