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Should parents reciprocate when they visit their children?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:04 pm
Over the years when we had our children in Israel for seminary or Yeshiva for the year we took many boys and girls to our hotel for meals over Sukkos. The boys and girls drove my kids nuts for meals. Even if we had them for a meal or two it seemed like it was not enough.
These yeshiva boys or seminary girls walked in empty handed. 99.9% of the parents never called or text thank you. Even neighbors won't walk over to say thank you for having their child over Yom Tov.
It was not cheap hosting their children. But I noticed when they go visit their child in yeshiva or seminary my child is not even being treated to a slice of pizza. Should these parents be reciprocating all these boys or girls that took care of them over Yom Tov or is ok for them to make believe that no one went out of their way for their child and not invite them for a shabbos meal or out to eat during the week when they are there.
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notshanarishona




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:08 pm
Why would you expect a parent to thank you for hosting their adult child ? It's 100% on the students midos to thank you and /or bring something although many would assume that if you are going to a hotel you don't need their wine or candy platter . As far as parents taking your kids out, each person has their own circumstances and you shouldn't do it if you will resent it . Yes it will make your child popular to host his/her friends . That doesn't obligate other parents to do the same.
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amother




Gray
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:08 pm
Of course they should!!!!
I am horrified that they don't.
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tichellady




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:10 pm
It sounds like you are looking for a certain answer right now. Honestly, my parents didn’t know who took me out to eat my year in Israel. I also didn’t pressure anyone to take me out to eat
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avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:12 pm
Maybe seminaries and yeshivas should have a quick "how to be a gracious guest" class and the parents too. I remember my friend setting her daughter up for meals and making sure to send over a platter before Shabbat or YT. For one family she even brought them a meat platter on Corelle dishes so that she could gift them dishes that they needed.

If I went to a family I used to bring pekalach or a small toy for their children. I figured my added value was in entertaining their kids for a bit.

Guessing families dont feel they need to do anything for the locals/natives as they have their family to rely on.
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amother




Gold
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:14 pm
If the parents know you, and know you hosted their child (don't assume they know- not all kids tell their parents things like that, or say more than "a friend's parents took me out"), then it's good for them to acknowledge and thank.

In terms of hosting, I agree that each has their own circumstances. It's also true that who is at that meal, if anyone, is more up to the kid than the parents. And it's not necessarily chutzpadik of the kid to not reciprocate either, depending on the circumstances.

ETA I always brought a gift when I went away for Shabbos, but I never brought a thank you gift to a hotel or restaurant meal. You don't bring outside food into one of those, and none of the parents I knew expected gifts for those. But begging for meals? Not ok. And thank yous are a must.
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amother




Ivory
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:16 pm
Honestly I'm not in the parsha at all. I didn't go to EY for seminary and my kids are in elementary school.

But that sounds SO overwhelming - IYH when I have a child in EY, they will be eating out so many meals over the course of the year - and I would have to keep track of each person who invited them out for every meal and reciprocate to all when (and if) I come in???

As someone above mentioned, I think it's appropriate for the sem girl or yeshiva bochur to gift something at the moment.
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avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:17 pm
I read this OP wrong. Oops. I know nothing. I guess you would just like your efforts to be recognized. They're still kids, they need to be taught how to be a guest still.
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amother




Lilac
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 10:34 pm
People should reciprocate. If they don't have the means, they shouldn't pressure you to take their kids out.

But don't try to look for things from takers. Take the kids out if you want to, but don't expect your kids will be treated similarly by users.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:05 pm
notshanarishona wrote:
Why would you expect a parent to thank you for hosting their adult child ? It's 100% on the students midos to thank you and /or bring something although many would assume that if you are going to a hotel you don't need their wine or candy platter . As far as parents taking your kids out, each person has their own circumstances and you shouldn't do it if you will resent it . Yes it will make your child popular to host his/her friends . That doesn't obligate other parents to do the same.

Why shouldn’t they give a token of appreciation. The meal in the hotel costs $$$. Hotels have no problem of guests bringing wine in the dining room.
As soon as its Rosh Hashanah my kids were attacked for meals. We even get phone calls to hosts friends’s children. Parent’s can also drop off something in your house after yom tov. One year we took a friend’s child for four meals, fully paid chol hamoed trip with lunch and dinner and the mother never said thank you.
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:09 pm
Sounds like you travel there for every single YT.
Wow.
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:12 pm
Reciprocate? Not necessarily. Show appreciation? Absolutely. Parents are not always aware of their kids' plans, btw, but the kids themselves should be gracious and express appreciation on their own.
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amother




Lilac
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:29 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Why shouldn’t they give a token of appreciation. The meal in the hotel costs $$$. Hotels have no problem of guests bringing wine in the dining room.
As soon as its Rosh Hashanah my kids were attacked for meals. We even get phone calls to hosts friends’s children. Parent’s can also drop off something in your house after yom tov. One year we took a friend’s child for four meals, fully paid chol hamoed trip with lunch and dinner and the mother never said thank you.


It's the parents calling up asking for meals for their kids but then not reciprocating that you can't be upset about. They are users and not worth getting aggravated about.
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amother




Tan
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:41 pm
If the parents were asking you for the meals, then A thank you in the minimum.

But if it's the kids asking, then they should be showing appreciation. To be honest, I cannot fathom the chutzpah to ask someone to be hosted at a hotel on their dime. I. Just. Can't.

Please teach your children to say no. If you're feeling generous, ok. But don't expect it back.

My parents visited me when I was in sem. Um, no, I wasnt inviting my friends out to pizza with them. They came to spend time with me.
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amother




Silver
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:49 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Over the years when we had our children in Israel for seminary or Yeshiva for the year we took many boys and girls to our hotel for meals over Sukkos. The boys and girls drove my kids nuts for meals. Even if we had them for a meal or two it seemed like it was not enough.
These yeshiva boys or seminary girls walked in empty handed. 99.9% of the parents never called or text thank you. Even neighbors won't walk over to say thank you for having their child over Yom Tov.
It was not cheap hosting their children. But I noticed when they go visit their child in yeshiva or seminary my child is not even being treated to a slice of pizza. Should these parents be recipricating all these boys or girls that took care of them over Yom Tov or is ok for them to make believe that no one went out of their way for their child and not invite them for a shabbos meal or out to eat during the week when they are there.


This is one of the things I hate about the "gap" year. Kids are placed in a position where they need to "find" meals for themselves, and often act in a very immature and demanding manner. The bottom line is that you cannot really blame them. Where to find meals for Shabbos and Y"T creates a lot of stress and kids get the idea that it is owing to them because what else can they expected to do? A lot of local families who want to do hachnasas orchim, really don't have the funds to do so. And a lot of this hosting are for students who are only in Israel to have a good time or fomo. It would be different if they were attending a baal teshuvah seminary, for example.
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amother




Seashell
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:51 pm
You are bringing up a great point.
I think parents should be told before the year starts about proper behavior. How their children should acknowledge their host and how parents can thank these people.

Me to friend Leah:Hi I hear you hosted our friend Sara’s 2 boys and friends for the whole shabbos. They sound like they had an incredible time. And a very uplifting shabbos
Leah: how did you hear about that?
Me: Sara told me
Leah: That’s weird I spoke to Sara a few times since and she didn’t say anything, I thought she didn’t know about it and figured for some reason her boys didn’t want her to know. Why wouldn’t she tell me? I hope I didn’t do anything wrong.

Please ask your child if he or she goes away for shabbos, remind them to take something. And they should tell you who to call for a thank you.

Saying “ I didn’t know my son went “ is not an excuse.Because if he had nowhere to go, mommy would hear about it very quickly.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 11:59 pm
amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:
Sounds like you travel there for every single YT.
Wow.

Each child we spent one Sukkos with them. I would not want my child to be looking for meals and I don’t expect people to take care of my child.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 07 2020, 12:05 am
amother [ Seashell ] wrote:
You are bringing up a great point.
I think parents should be told before the year starts about proper behavior. How their children should acknowledge their host and how parents can thank these people.

Me to friend Leah:Hi I hear you hosted our friend Sara’s 2 boys and friends for the whole shabbos. They sound like they had an incredible time. And a very uplifting shabbos
Leah: how did you hear about that?
Me: Sara told me
Leah: That’s weird I spoke to Sara a few times since and she didn’t say anything, I thought she didn’t know about it and figured for some reason her boys didn’t want her to know. Why wouldn’t she tell me? I hope I didn’t do anything wrong.

Please ask your child if he or she goes away for shabbos, remind them to take something. And they should tell you who to call for a thank you.

Saying “ I didn’t know my son went “ is not an excuse.Because if he had nowhere to go, mommy would hear about it very quickly.

I agree. My daughter’s friends parents just came to Israel last week. Her parent’s just took out a bunch of seminary girls to eat. And these parent’s did not take out any of the girls that took care of their daughter over yom tov.
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amother




Hotpink
 

Post  Tue, Jan 07 2020, 1:02 am
I'm curious OP:
Almost every shabbos and minor yom tov you're kids are hosted by a family for a meal.
Do you "reciprocate"? Do your kids bring something every time they go?
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Iymnok




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 07 2020, 2:19 am
OP, it sounds like you went to Israel for Yom Tov and other kids forced their way into your seudos. Or their parents pressured you into hosting them while on vacation.
It was not nice and not right. One of our first classes in seminary was how to and what to bring as a guest and to help.
It’s nice to plan a Seuda for seminary girls, another for Yeshiva boys, but no one should ever demand it.
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