Should parents reciprocate when they visit their children?

amother

Denim

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 2:19 am

I wouldn’t be able to reciprocate due to financial issues. I’m assuming if I were to go to Israel as a parent I would be going with my husband as well and he probably wouldn’t be comfortable with other kids coming out with us. If I were to go I would probably not be able to afford staying at a hotel for a week so I can’t even relate to that. I think I’ve heard of this before that girls parents stay in hotels and their daughters are able to choose friends to come along for a meal. If this indeed happens often it’s probably hard for parents back in America to keep track of where their kids ate all the meals...
saying thank you is basic mentchlachkeit and I hope the kids who you host remember to show you appreciation. Sure it would be nice for their parents to remember that you hosted their child for a meal but I don’t think they are being rude. I think they forgot since they are always hearing about so many different families who hosted their kids plus they are so far away and feel very removed.

amother

Denim

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 2:22 am

Lizzie4 wrote:

It costs upward of $100 per meal to host additional guests at a hotel. I don't know if I would do that even if I did have the money for it. It sets a certain standard and most people can't reciprocate

That’s what it costs?? That’s crazy that op hosts for all the meals! Wow! That’s a lot of money!!! Perhaps people (like me) think that you are allowed to bring a guest at no extra charge? I’m thinking for a buffet style meal..

Mayflower

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 2:56 am

IMO it is the child's responsibility to thank the host - whether by bringing a gift or, if (s)he is financially unable to do so, just by thanking profusely.

If the parents called you to set their child up, I do think they should at least thank you afterwards...

That said, I do not think they realize the costs involved. I would never have imagined it would cost 100 dollars a meal per extra guest, and in my opinion, that is just insane...

Rappel

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 3:01 am

avrahamama wrote:

Maybe seminaries and yeshivas should have a quick "how to be a gracious guest" class and the parents too. I remember my friend setting her daughter up for meals and making sure to send over a platter before Shabbat or YT. For one family she even brought them a meat platter on Corelle dishes so that she could gift them dishes that they needed.

If I went to a family I used to bring pekalach or a small toy for their children. I figured my added value was in entertaining their kids for a bit.

Guessing families dont feel they need to do anything for the locals/natives as they have their family to rely on.

The seminary I attended, Midreshet Tehillah, taught us just that. What gifts are acceptable for meals/Shabbat hosting, how much we should put into them, helpful things we can do while there, appropriate behaviour (don't sleep in until past noon etc.), Say thank you for everything. They spelled out everything, and it was extremely helpful.

amother

Violet

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 4:32 am

I went to seminary 100 years ago and this also came up.

I think ppl do according to their means.

I had one friend take out a bunch of girls for dinner. They offered. It probably did cost a lot. My parents couldn’t and had no intention of spending that type of money. It was also different types. The other family is the type that eats out in America and Israel.
With my parents we bought dips and pita and ate most meals in our room.

There were girls who invited friends to eat meals in hotels. I guess we always assumed if they were inviting they could afford.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 4:38 am

amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:

A gift and a thank you is for sure appropriate.

Reciprocity is not. Not everyone can and will reciprocate and should not be expected.

The reciprocity could be on the person's level. We treated for an out Shabbos and then going out motzi Shabbos. We did this twice. One of the kid's parents were coming the following week and nothing. They didn't even treat for a slice. The kid said flying to Israel is expensive. Can't Believe It

OP just as there are people who host for shabbos and people who are guests and never host, you just have to accept them, and don't let them aggravate you.

amother

Taupe

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 4:42 am

When my children went to seminary they were invited often when parents came. I never went to visit my children. I barely sent them israel with help from community members. I thought the parents that invited my children did it out of their own will because their child ask for it as he wanted my child to be with them. The seminary and Yeshiva always had meals and if they didn’t my children would have found another place. I don’t even know the parents that took my children. I guess if I went to hotel in israel and I could afford all that stuff. Idk if I could have taken all these children. My children are very popular and were taken to a lot of friends parents meals and even stayed over at the hotel. I would certainly would make an effort I guess.

watergirl

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 5:00 am

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

OP just as there are people who host for shabbos and people who are guests and never host, you just have to accept them, and don't let them aggravate you.

Thats not fair, especially with the emoticon. You have no idea what the parents could afford. Flying to Israel IS expensive! Be kind in your thoughts and teach your kids the same.
Eta - why did the kid have to defend his parents to your kid? Did your kid ask why they were not being taken to dinner? Why did your kid then tell you the whole story? Thats what I mean with teaching your kids to be kind with their thoughts. The kid must have felt very embarrassed to have to defend their parents like that. Teach your kids to be happy with what they have and not to expect from others.

Last edited by watergirl on Tue, Jan 07 2020, 5:15 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Hotpink

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 5:13 am

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

OP just as there are people who host for shabbos and people who are guests and never host, you just have to accept them, and don't let them aggravate you.

Makes sense. Your kids should make sure only to be friends with rich kids.

What about all those people who host your kids almost every shabbos and yom tov? Are you reciprocating?

amother

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 5:28 am

amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:

I'm curious OP:
Almost every shabbos and minor yom tov you're kids are hosted by a family for a meal.
Do you "reciprocate"? Do your kids bring something every time they go?

Yes. They never walk in empy handed regardless what their friends do. If they ever go to a hotel for a meal they know they should spend more money and they put it on a credit card.

amother

Beige

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 5:42 am

Coming from finances of not knowing IF I can send my kid to seminary in Israel, I definitely don’t think I’d be in a position to go visit and take her out to a hotel for meals, let alone bring along her friends. I’d definitely appreciate people taking care of my child. I don’t think it’s that newsworthy that I’d hear about it though. I’d definitely say thanks are the responsibility of the one being hosted. Of course I’d reciprocate if I was in a position to do so and knew about it. But tbh, I’d be there to spend time with my child and not anyone else’s

watergirl

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 5:43 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes. They never walk in empy handed regardless what their friends do. If they ever go to a hotel for a meal they know they should spend more money and they put it on a credit card.

I’m assuming you pay the cc bill. Its so nice of you to do this. Please realize, most parents can not afford for their kids to spend like this in Israel. Many count their pennys and save from summer jobs just to get there. I know my teen is! Should these kids decline invitations if they cant pay for their own meals on parents cc or bring a gift or whatever it is that your kids do?

amother

Lilac

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 5:48 am

watergirl wrote:

You have it 100% backwards. My kids don't ask anyone for meals or overnights. They are the ones getting pressured. The ones who shouldn't have expectations of others are not my kids. The kids who have expectations and demands should be the ones with the kind thoughts. They should be taught not to push in. We had a thread now on pushing and shoving at simchas. The pushiness is not ok.

Where is your condemnation of the begging kids? Why is it ok to put my kids on the spot? And where are your kind thoughts for my kid? I seriously doubt my child is begging for a slice of pizza. DKLZ my kid. Maybe the conversation was begun by the other party. Maybe it was overheard. But your thoughts are not kind.

amother

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 5:49 am

Thank you for all your replies. I thought parents would know their kids are eating out ten different yom tov meals by different people or sleeping in a friend’s apartment. Because the second my daughter got into seminary my friend’s were already looking for accomodations and meals for their daughters. And this is months before Sukkos. So I assumed all parents are on top of it. I just feel being in Israel over Yom Tov ninety percent of people I know have no choice but to take these kids for a meal either to a hotel, restaurant or apartment. And the parents coming Thanksgiving, Chanukah or mid year get away with it.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 5:52 am

amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:

Makes sense. Your kids should make sure only to be friends with rich kids.

What about all those people who host your kids almost every shabbos and yom tov? Are you reciprocating?

My kids don't walk in empty handed. They also don't go to strangers' houses. They do go to their rebbes' houses for class wide events. We give cash to the Rebbes (which I know is not the norm or expected).

amother

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 5:57 am

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

The issue also is there is no acknowledgment from the parent. Why can’t the parent ask their child where they had their meals and get the numbers of the parents and send them a text with a “thank you so much for hosting my child...”. Why can’t a neighbor walk over and knock on your door and say thank you. Or why can’t the girls chip in $2.00 each and buy something small and write a thank you note and all the girls sign it. These girls and boys are expecting that these meals are coming to them. I have friend’s that can only rent apartments for yom tov since they know they must host these kids.