Should parents reciprocate when they visit their children?

amother

Lilac

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:01 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you for all your replies. I thought parents would know their kids are eating out ten different yom tov meals by different people or sleeping in a friend’s apartment. Because the second my daughter got into seminary my friend’s were already looking for accomodations and meals for their daughters. And this is months before Sukkos. So I assumed all parents are on top of it. I just feel being in Israel over Yom Tov ninety percent of people I know have no choice but to take these kids for a meal either to a hotel, restaurant or apartment. And the parents coming Thanksgiving, Chanukah or mid year get away with it.

I don't believe the parents are so ignorant of their kids getting freebies. My kids call me multiple times a week, and I don't think I am the only one. I know who is in Israel. And I know where they spent Shabbos.

amother

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:01 am

watergirl wrote:

I’m assuming you pay the cc bill. Its so nice of you to do this. Please realize, most parents can not afford for their kids to spend like this in Israel. Many count their pennys and save from summer jobs just to get there. I know my teen is! Should these kids decline invitations if they cant pay for their own meals on parents cc or bring a gift or whatever it is that your kids do?

These boys and girls spend a fortune on Chol Hamoed trips and eating out all their days off from yeshiva or seminary.
These same boys or girls will make sure to chip in when going to a Rebbe or teacher’s meal when one person is collecting.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:03 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The issue also is there is no acknowledgment from the parent. Why can’t the parent ask their child where they had their meals and get the numbers of the parents and send them a text with a “thank you so much for hosting my child...”. Why can’t a neighbor walk over and knock on your door and say thank you. Or why can’t the girls chip in $2.00 each and buy something small and write a thank you note and all the girls sign it. These girls and boys are expecting that these meals are coming to them. I have friend’s that can only rent apartments for yom tov since they know they must host these kids.

Either host the kids with a glad heart or tell them no. You won't find gracious behavior.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:11 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

At what age are parents no longer expected to do this? Sorry, but I think it's a bit much. The guests themselves should be polite and gracious. Leave the parents out unless they were involved from the beginning.

amother

Green

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:11 am

nobody must do anything
yes its great when possible to host others too
if one wants to and can and with a full heart
without any expectations
tho graciousness is always appreciated

amother

Lilac

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:13 am

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

When the parents are texting and asking for meals, you don't think it is appropriate that they should say thank you?

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:18 am

Just tell the parents texting you are so sorry but won't be able to host for meals.

Be thankful that your kids aren't the ones pressured to fend for themselves.

And, let the seminary know that it is a problem and they need to step up and make sure their students are provided for. At the end of the day, if they were taking care of this, nobody would feel desperate enough to beg for a meal. Parents or students. Put the onus where it belongs.

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:24 am

The 18 year old kids in seminary are paying an overpriced tuition amt. There is no reason the seminary can't provide for a communal meal for those with no family or friends who can host on YT or Shabbos

amother

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:25 am

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

And, let the seminary know that it is a problem and they need to step up and make sure their students are provided for. At the end of the day, if they were taking care of this, nobody would feel desperate enough to beg for a meal. Parents or students. Put the onus where it belongs.

There are plenty of boys yeshiva’s that would give all the meals to the boy’s on yom tov. The boy’s don’t want to stay and find it cool to leave yeshiva. Also, some seminaries give second day yom tov meals and girls prefer to get a free meal in a restaurant from one of her American friends.

watergirl

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:28 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Are you making a gross assumption? Or do you only take out kids who have these financial means?

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:29 am

In any case it is up to you to just say no. Or send your kids to schools with kids who come from modest backgrounds and no expectations.

And btw, most schools do not provide meals for second day yt. At most they will begrudgingly place the girls at hosts. It can be difficult and uncomfortable to go to a stranger's home for a meal when they were obviously pressured to host and resent it. BTDT.

amother

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:38 am

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

In any case it is up to you to just say no. Or send your kids to schools with kids who come from modest backgrounds and no expectations.

Kids from other seminaries that have not said a word to my daughter for years would call her out of the blue to ask for a meal. She says “no” to them.
The issue is not specifically in one school.

amother

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:44 am

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

How many years has your daughter been in seminary?? You make this sound like an ongoing never ending problem.

Different children. Third experience.

amother

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:46 am

watergirl wrote:

Are you making a gross assumption? Or do you only take out kids who have these financial means?

I hear the kids talking at the meal where they ate or what trips they went on or going on. Lot of these kids are from simple backgrounds.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:51 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I hear the kids talking at the meal where they ate or what trips they went on or going on. Lot of these kids are from simple backgrounds.

I also talk to my kids, and they will tell me who they were with, or I see pictures. They have money for what they want to spend it on. OP is not making up this entitlement to other people paying.

amother

Hotpink

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 9:53 am

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

And even if they provide food, its not a nice yom tov sueda and not a nice atmosphere.
but, regardless, OP should only give what she is able to without any expectation of reciprocity. A nice thank you and a hostess gift is all that can be "expected"