How does any working mother manage IM COLLAPSING!

meyerlemon44

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 2:57 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I need real ideas how manage better. I'm collapsing. I leave my house at 8:00 with my kids and come home at 4:30 with my kids. I work sunday to thursday. My kids are all little. By the time theyre all in bed at about 7:15 im ready to go to sleep but I need to clean up, do laundry, make supper for the next day which never happens....... How does everyone do it? I have no energy at nights

Edited: Just another vote to ask for your husband to do more. It sounds like you're taking on more than he is.

imorethanamother

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 3:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes my kids are getting a hot meal for lunch so supper for them usually ends up being chicken nuggets and french fries, turkey sandwiches, egg muffins, frozen pizza...... but I do feel really bad about it. Me and dh though need a good hot filling supper.

The problem with cleaning help is also that I'm not home during the day and would not trust anyone to be in my apartment alone (even though there's nothing that valuable)

I would love to have a high school girl in the evenings but so far haven't found any

Okay. Let go of the guilt about supper. You're in survivor mode. However, if you and DH are getting a different supper, you need to stop that. One supper for all, not two. It doesn't take more work to chop more tomatoes. It takes more work to fix two suppers. You can give your kids a fruit for a snack while you prepare.

I think everyone on here with trust issues needs to let go. If you have nothing valuable, what's to worry about? Give her a key and be done with it. If you can afford even two hours a week - it's worth it!!! It literally saves your life, and since your husband sounds overworked as well, this should be a priority. I joke that even Sarah Imainu had servants.

These high school girls aren't that helpful. Your kids end up wanting you personally, you feel guilty telling her to scrub the floor, and you pay her and wind up even more exhausted. Let someone come when no one is home and make sure things are clean.

How old is your oldest? My seven year old makes his bed, and I'm teaching the five year old to do so. My kids all know they have to put their laundry in the hamper. And I will have two bottles of windex (what's the equivalent in Israel?) and give each kid a rag and they somehow love doing it. They're not reliable, but occasionally they really help, they get mitzvah notes, and I'll give them a chocolate coin (or twenty) as thanks.

Also, if you can buy those bleach wipes, those are life savers. Keep on roll in your kitchen and one in your bathrooms.

And if you're pregnant - you can be WASTED in the evenings. Such is life! Try to clean up for shabbos, and let it go during the week! And you can PM me anytime when you're exhausted and just can't move. I'll lie down in solidarity.

amother

Smokey

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 3:36 pm

You are definitely shouldering a two-person burden OP, so don't let anyone make you feel guilty for struggling or for not "managing better."

I might look to you like I am "managing better," because I work more hours outside the home and have kids, but it's my husband who handles most of the housework and childcare. There's an infinite number of ways to distribute the responsibilities in a marriage, but it's very difficult for one person to manage it all. Most people don't. You shouldn't feel guilty for not living up to an impossible standard.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 5:01 pm

TravelHearter wrote:

Hi,
Hugs:)
Right now I’m a stay at home mom, but I have twin babies which take up a lot of my time. Here are some suggestions that may or may not work..
1. PAPERGOODS
2. Some people said do laundry once a week. Sometimes what I do is a different load every night, for example darks one night and delicates another etc. That means you’re constantly doing laundry but in small increments so it’s easier to handle and easier to push your self to do just one load.
3. Sounds gross, but I only sweep once a week- right before shabbos. I try to mop them as well... doesn’t always end up happening... (if the floor looks dirty I will but it doesn’t usually). And my husband does this usually while I’m doing last minute Friday stuff... maybe ask yours to do it when you’re done in the kitchen and are giving baths or whatever.
4. Take five minutes right before you go to sleep and or when you get up to declutter surfaces... just a few minutes really makes a difference and you’ll feel so much calmer. If my dining room table is a wreck but my counter is clear I still feel so good every time I walk into the kitchen (which is often!).
5. If you don’t find a girl for every day, or if you can’t afford a steady cleaning lady, maybe ask a neighboring girl and maybe even pay her a little to take your kids to the park once or twice a week so that you can clean up etc.
6. When you make dinner, cook double, so that you can freeze some.
Not sure if any of these are relevant, but hatzlacha!
Last but definitely not least don’t forget to talk to Hashem throughout the day... just ask for His help. You’re right near Him:)

You definitely have twin babies and not toddlers if you can sweep once a week.
I used to think the inamothers who swept a few times daily were fairies
But then my baby started eating solids.
He's a toddler. And he throws food at almost every. Single. Meal. If I wouldn't sweep immediately, all the ants would come running. (Btdt.. when I was too exhausted. But the sweeping is one thing I NEED to do.)
(I know not all toddlers throw food but If there are any crumbs etc.. and u don't want bugs..once a week sweep won't be enough..)

ra_mom

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 11:48 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He is extremely busy during the day working and learning and he wakes up early so after supper he's done for the night. I think the only solution is to get outside help which we cannot really afford out I guess we can figure it out somehow. How do people that dont have outside help manage?

Have a real conversation with him. If you're both committed, 15 minutes together each night can make a big dent. That's like 30 minutes of work done because you are working together.
It's super hard. I know. Hug

forgetit

Tue, Jan 07 2020, 11:53 pm

I think you got a lot of good advice. The truth is you work many long hours, and there's just so much you can do. You do have to let things slide.
As your kids get older, things will get easier iyH.
Maybe consider sending out the 2 kids that stay home with you on Fri?
Here are 2 practical things that work for me:
1. I sometimes crash with the kids, but then wake up 2-3 hours later super refreshed ready to conquer the world.
2. Intensive excersize. I know you don't have the time and energy, but you end up getting so much out of it, its fantastic ROI. I pay a monthly fee for a class, so I know I have to go or else my money will go down the drain, and that pushes me to keep it up. Sometimes I have to drag myself there, and I think I'm going to fall asleep before the class even starts, but that never happens. I get home and get rolling with whatever needs to be done.
If you can't do a class, even a walk around the block can refresh you and give you energy.
Good Luck!

amother

Wine

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 12:43 am

I stopped folding My kids’ laundry... but don’t tell anyone!! My 7 year old is old enough to do it but can’t be bothered. That’s when I realized I’m wasting my time. I divide all her stuff, give Her the pile, and she has to put it in the correct drawer/ bin. Same with my younger kids. If they’re too young, I put it away myself but I don’t fold!
Also regarding supper - I don’t prep supper after work. It gets prepped Sunday or months before in the freezer. If you’re only prepping for 2 shouldn’t be too hard or time consuming. Give your kids random easy food, they don’t need 2 meat meals a day.

amother

Amber

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 1:42 am

amother [ Navy ] wrote:

I used to be a full time working mom out of the house from 8:30 to 4 and once the kids were in bed I couldn’t either move so I took a break from 7:00 to 8:30 got 45 min of housework done and relaxed after I did wake up 45 min before the kids every day to prepare supper and throw in a load... but I did have cleaning help 8 hours a week. Now that I’m a stay at home mom I accomplish so much less !!!! Working women get much more done in my experience it is way harder tho so kudos to all of u!

8hours of cleaning help!!it's a totally different story....

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 1:55 am

It's so much harder to do what you are doing in Israel where the only day off is Friday. And the winter is much harder than the summer bc Friday is so short.
In fact what you are trying to do is impossible. I would suggest speaking to your boss and taking off one afternoon a week when so the kids are in gan, if you can't do this maybe your husband can.
Think about if you can cut costs by moving to a cheaper apartment or a cheaper area so you can work less. Find a way to send out your kids on Friday. Cook double or triple shabbos food on Friday and use during the week. Accept that at this stage in life when your kids are young your apartment will be a mess. Good luck.

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 2:48 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Wh...what??
All those foods are super-expensive here and none are necessary if your kids are getting a hot bsari lunch. Seriously. They can eat peas and carrots and white cheese sandwich. And there you have 3 food groups, nothing really processed, and no fuss (including no warming up frozen shnitzels or pizza - peas and carrots you can warm on the stove, and much faster).

The other problem with cleaning help is that you need an accountant because you need to pay her BTL and pension. I would go with the high school girl taking your kids to the park while you clean up a bit.

Also if you are both wiped after supper, can you just go to sleep and wake up early to do the housework (pref. together)?

amother

Taupe

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 3:10 am

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

You don't need BTL and pension for 4-8 hours per week .

Mayflower

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 4:24 am

Sounds very hard. Either your husband needs to help more, or you need cleaning help..

I only manage because I have both (although my husband only comes home close to the kids' bedtime, he still either cleans up the kitchen or puts the kids to bed, does grocery shopping if he has a spare hour, etc.).

AND because I have Sundays off. This is the real game changer IMO. It's when I do most of the laundry and a lot of baking/cooking for the week. In the winter, maybe you can plan some baking/cooking on M'Sh? And in the summer on Friday?

cinnamon

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 4:24 am

That was my schedule when the kids were little, dh was in school and kollel and didn't have much time to help and truth be told I didn't manage most of the time.

Things I did you might find helpfull:
When my third was born we started using only disposables. Saved my sanity.

Kids ate easy suppers (sandwishes, eggs, frozen french fries with tivol)

Thursday night I cooked for shabbos + the whole next week for dh and me, since it was just for the two of us it didn't come out to that much cooking. I used to make one tray of shnitzels, half a kilo of meatballs and some kind of chicken and that was enough for shabbos + the next week.
We used the microwave to heat it up so the whole week all I had to wash was maybe one pot if I made pasta or something as a side.

we had a few small laundry baskets so no sorting. I did one load of laundry a day, put it in at night and moved it to the drier in the morning. I never folded anything and never pre treated anything. Kids clothes went into bins, mine and dh's went on a chair or the sofa (and at one point a big box).
Theoretically Dh and I were sopposed to fold everything on wednesday night but that mostly didn't happen.

Cleanning happened when dh had time to do it, all I did was make sure kids put away their toys, the few dishes we had and wiping down counters. If I had a crolling baby I would sweep pretty often during the day otherwise we didn't look at the floor. One of us would pour some bleach in the toilet and swish the brush around every few days but my house was really not clean back then.

amother

Coral

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 5:07 am

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

Well this is very validating! I also work 8-4 (I come home with the kids) and no outside help.

Dh does TONS!!!

its hard but not impossible

amother

Coffee

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 5:23 am

Also a working mom in Israel.
I have a Roomba. It saves me. I find j have the energy/motivation to tidy the floor knowing that something else is going to vacuum.
I put down a plastic table cloth before my kids eat dinner- no need to wipe down the table.
We all get bisari meals for lunch, so dinner is usually shabbat leftovers (I try to make enough orange soup to last through Monday), eggs, or pasta.
Laundry happens every day, but folding strictly on Friday (unless I have the energy during bedtime). We fish needed clothing out of baskets during the week.

It DEFINITELY helps that I have a dishwasher.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 5:59 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

But OP, you are also tired and done for after supper. If you are both so tired, can you talk to your husband about both of you, together, each night, doing 20 minutes of house work? That way, if both of you pitch in, and not for a long time either, it doesnt pile up and get too daunting.

I think if you cant get outside help, then you both have to pull your weight unfortunately.
Are your kids old enough to do anything? Even just clean up their own messes?

amother

Copper

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 7:27 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

And you are extremely busy working during the day and taking care of everything. Men whose wives work have got to start pitching in more. The end. Smile

saw50st8

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 7:35 am

Here's how we manage:

1) Lower your expectations
2) My husband does a ton
3) I make easy dinners with minimal prep
4) We just got a robot vacuum that also mops. It's not like a super clean mop, it is more like a wet rag wipe down but it is amazing. We vacuum every day now :-)
5) We have two dishwashers
6) I clean in whatever small amounts of time I have. If that's two minutes - I take a cleaning wipe and wipe down the bathroom counter or something. I don't expect everything to be clean at the same time.
7) Laundry is absolutely the worst.