Overprotective sister in law

amother

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:27 am

My sister in law is extremely overprotective resulting in a miserable baby. Her baby is 1 1/2 and cries non stop because she doesn't let him breath, literally. For example; in 40 degree weather she bundles him up in a coat, blanket, bunting, and plastic over the stroller! Even when she walk one block! The baby is sopping from sweat and screaming bloody murder. We tried telling her it's unnecessary and can be dangerous, she says but it's so cold.... She also holds him all the time and if he goes more then a foot away from her, she brings him back next to her. And of course, no one is allowed to touch him.
How can we get through to her? That child is being tortured.

amother

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:35 am

We see her on a weekly basis, it's hard to stay out of it when you see a miserable child and a mom that literally smothers him. She doesn't let him eat anything, only soft things like yogurt and soup. She doesn't let him play because he can get hurt.
I know we need to mind our own business. But sometimes it's the people especially family that minds their own business thus allowing kids to get hurt. My brother is also overprotective but not so such an extent. He works all day so he doesn't see what's going on.
My question is when do we really need to mind our own business and when do we need to say something for the sake of the child.

amother

Navy

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:36 am

I have a sil who doesnt feed her 18 month old. Her daughter is so so skinny she wears size 6 month leggings and a 19 shoe. She came me for shabbos her daughter woke up at 130 from her nap and she only had bottles till they went home after 5... she was eating crumbs off the floor. I offered my sil egg salad for challah for her a few times I said do u think ur dd would like X but she clearly didnt pick up on it or see the issue.
There is nothing I can do thou so I try to just tune it out

amother

Lilac

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:38 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I hear you, but that doesn't sound like abuse to me.
Does he have teeth? Can he chew? When you say "she doesn't let him play" does that mean literally zero toys and playtime and being held or in a chair all day long, or does it mean she lets him play but not like you let your kids play? Is there maybe a problem that you're not aware of? Maybe he gets cold easily and does need those extra layers? Maybe she lets him eat lots of things at home but not out?
And how do you know that the baby is not screaming bloody murder because his mother dared to put him down? Keeping him within a foot and a half of her is not necessarily bad, btw. Especially if the house you're in is not babyproof.

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:39 am

[quote="amother [ OP ] She doesn't let him eat anything, only soft things like yogurt and soup. She doesn't let him play because he can get hurt.
[/quote] this would concern me more than holding him all day because this is actually holding him back from developing especially the eating. maybe suggest that you talk to her pediatrician about what a baby should be eating at 18 months they should be able to eat everything

amother

Lilac

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:42 am

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

this would concern me more than holding him all day because this is actually holding him back from developing especially the eating. maybe suggest that you talk to her pediatrician about what a baby should be eating at 18 months they should be able to eat everything

Unless OP knows what goes on in her SIL's home she can't know if SIL doesn't let baby play, or just doesn't let baby out of her sight in other people's homes. Could be the latter combined with baby wanting mommy when around other people that makes something totally fine look really awful.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:43 am

Oysh, that is so painful to watch! Those first two years are the most crucial in a child's brain development, and will set patterns of fearfulness for life.

DD's pediatrician told me that he gets very concerned if he doesn't see the usual childhood bumps and bruises that he would expect from an active child that is walking or pulling up on things.

He knows the difference between a child that is being hurt, and a child that is so coddled that their feet never touch the floor. In his opinion, both are equally crippling for development.

I suggest you have a long talk with your brother. (I know this is a pretty unpopular opinion.) I'd still do it for the sake of the child.

amother

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:43 am

Amother lilac, she sits and holds him and literally does not let him play because he can get hurt. When she does put him down on the floor she sits him on a blanket! Like an infant. And if any kids go near him, she sends them away. The baby doesn't always want mommy, he cries non stop when she holds him. He wants to be set free.
He has a full mouth of teeth, he can chew fine.
It's painful to standby and watch and not do anything about it.

Chaya123

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:45 am

My sisters in law are just the opposite! They think they know better than everyone and: don't vaccinate their kids, let their newborns sleep on stomach, leave kids without monitor for extended period of time and all other kinds of dangerous neglectful things. What can I do? I just stay out.

amother

Pink

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:45 am

amother [ Navy ] wrote:

If this is really an accurate description of what is happening then you should definitely not be tuning it out.

amother

Navy

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:48 am

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

If this is really an accurate description of what is happening then you should definitely not be tuning it out.

She herself has a weird unhealthy relationship with food and she projects it onto her daughter:(

banana123

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:53 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Amother lilac, she sits and holds him and literally does not let him play because he can get hurt. When she does put him down on the floor she sits him on a blanket! Like an infant. And if any kids go near him, she sends them away.
He has a full mouth of teeth, he can chew fine.
It's painful to standby and watch and not do anything about it.

Is there a way you can show your SIL studies on cleanliness and germs, but in a way that's non-confrontational?
"You'll never guess what I read this week, someone linked me this article on germs and basically said that today's kids get sick because we keep things too clean and don't expose them to enough dirt and germs and allergens, I couldn't believe it. Basically a team from XXXXX did researched XXXX and followed a group of XXX kids for XXX years.....etc. etc. etc."
Like this
https://www.theguardian.com/sc.....sease

or this
https://www.sciencedaily.com/r.....6.htm

or this
https://www.webmd.com/parentin.....rms#1

this one
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.or....._risk

The falling scare is a totally different topic and not for now.

The other thing you can do and probably should do is sign up for an infant and child CPR course. If you go - for yourself, because every mother (and father) needs one - maybe you can get her to go with you. It sounds like it might fit well with her personality and it might give her more confidence to let her baby try new things.

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 12:01 pm

Op, that sounds painful to watch. It sounds like she has anxiety issues to sort through. Maybe offering reassurance will help.

Does he go to school/babysitter/playgroup? I'm assuming no but maybe encourage her to send out.

Just to put it out there, I had one child who refused to eat any solid foods with texture. So yes, at 18 months he was still eating mainly yogurt, apple sauce, and ground up soup. He got speech therapy and improved but he's still a picky eater.