Overprotective sister in law

banana123

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 11:11 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Oh god you gotta be kidding me!!! My brother did not date, we're chassidish. And you don't find everything out when you do information on a person. The most seemingly normal person can be crazy at home. Their SB issues are caused by her mom because her mom is so controlling. Her mom must have their combination and comes and goes as she pleases. She tells them what to do and they must follow her orders. My SIL thinks very highly of her mom for some odd reason. My brother goes to therapy by himself because my sister in law doesn't think there's any issues. The most dysfunctional people can look to the outside world like the most normal people.
I pay enough attention to my kids and I'm not bored thank you very much. This is extremely rude of you to say. Thank hashem that your life is a bed of roses and you don't have to stand by and watch a kid suffering.

OP, what is the point of this thread?

You asked what you should do - the answer is either nothing or get your mother to speak to their pediatrician.

Other than that, you seem like you have made up your mind, know everything that goes on in your brother and SIL's home, and know exactly what must be done so that the child will be raised in a healthy fashion. So, why do you need our advice?

Is the point of the thread rechilus and self-righteousness? I really think this thread needs to be locked - it is no longer serving any purpose other than to badmouth your SIL and her mother.

amother

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 11:32 am

banana123 wrote:

If you don't like it and you have no advice to offer besides for telling me to mind my own business, then stop following this thread.
I've gotten some good advice here and what to think about from posters that do sound concerned and don't think I'm the judgmental sister in law that's bored.
I will stop talking about her mom though, I just wanted you to get a better picture of what's going on and she's behaving this way because this is the way she was raised.

banana123

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 11:55 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You haven't answered the question.

amother

Taupe

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 12:32 pm

My sil was like that with her first child but she eventually learned the ropes with the other children.
She would bundle baby up even in my mom's house when window was a drop open & it was warm outside etc.
She didn't put baby down at my mom's house because she was afraid of dirt/dust from floor.
She would go hysterical if kid took something from floor into mouth even a toy that was on floor etc.
it was immaturity, overprotectiveness & also a bit of OCD.
Eventually she learned!

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 12:33 pm

Chaya123 wrote:

Oh and traveling without car seats bec "Hashem will watch". Grrr, it makes my blood boil!

I know a few anti vaxxers and they all use car seats. They also follow the rule not to put a child in a car seat with a coat. They dont use expired car seats. No clue what your sister in law are doing, but this is odd. Unless they are chasidish, in which case I have seen chasidish mothers use car services without car seats in the pre doona days. I don't think their mentality was "Hashem will watch..."

banana123

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 12:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Which question?

banana123 wrote:

amother

Cobalt

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 1:08 pm

SYA wrote:

This!!
An 18 month old in size 6 months clothes is serious. A skinny or petite child could be a size 12 months. Losing or not gaining weight would be called “failure to thrive”. This child may need medical intervention.

Not necessarily. My kid was a fat baby who turned into a terribly skinny toddler who was about that size. It definitely wasn't neglect, the kid just ate very very little. Obviously, the situation here might be very different but just because you see a very underweight child not eating for a few hours there is no need to rush to conclusions. (For the record, that child is now a lot older and slightly overweight...)

ora_43

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 1:37 pm

amother [ Navy ] wrote:

I have a sil who doesnt feed her 18 month old. Her daughter is so so skinny she wears size 6 month leggings and a 19 shoe. She came me for shabbos her daughter woke up at 130 from her nap and she only had bottles till they went home after 5... she was eating crumbs off the floor. I offered my sil egg salad for challah for her a few times I said do u think ur dd would like X but she clearly didnt pick up on it or see the issue.
There is nothing I can do thou so I try to just tune it out

Um it sounds like there are about a dozen things you could do.

You could speak to your sibling/ your husband could speak to her (if it's his sister).

You could call her child's pediatrician and report this.

You could call CPS.

If what you're saying is accurate, you're describing a child who's being starved to death. She could very very easily end up with life-long damage. Please do something IMMEDIATELY. Tuning it out is the absolute last thing you should be doing. At a minimum, call the child's pediatrician and report what you're seeing.

banana123

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 1:44 pm

ora_43 wrote:

CPS is a really bad idea if there is a health problem that they cannot control and are doing their best for their child.

ora_43

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:09 pm

OP, I disagree with most of the advice here. I really don't see why people are talking like 1. this is perfectly fine behavior, or, 2. you have no place to talk.

You're the kid's aunt. Of course you're not in charge of parenting him, but still, you're in the circle of people who look out for him and make sure nothing is going badly wrong.

Some people are so worried about not being nosy that they'd rather risk ignoring a serious issue.

Anyway. I'd start with seeing if anyone else is concerned by this behavior. I mean other people who are close to your SIL and have seen the interactions (your mother, other siblings, mutual friends). I'm not saying gossip about her, but send out feelers.

Then talk to your brother. So what if he's a man who's happy to let his wife make the decisions re: parenting. Unless he's a complete loser, he wants what's best for his wife and his child. Plus, he's the person who is best positioned to do something about this. So let him know there's a problem.

Talking to him doesn't have to mean messing up his shalom bayit! It's not like you're telling him to scream at her, you want him to help her. Emphasize that PPD is very common and that what you are seeing isn't deliberate abuse, it's a loving parent who seems to be very anxious.

Aside from that, keep up the friendship with your SIL. It can only help.

(If your brother doesn't want to take actions just yet... )
Don't dismiss her fears, but maybe - I feel a little mean just saying this - introduce some new ones? Without criticizing? Eg if she says she only feeds him soft foods. "Oh, interesting! How do you make sure he gets all the (fiber/protein/whatever) that they need at this age?" She doesn't let him play? "Oh yes, it's so scary at this age when they're still a bit wobbly. But I was always worried that if I didn't let my kids play, they might end up with problems. You know, because this is the most critical age for (social skills/motor skills/etc)."

ora_43

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:10 pm

banana123 wrote:

CPS is a really bad idea if there is a health problem that they cannot control and are doing their best for their child.

Doing nothing is a really bad idea if a child is being starved to death.

(also, seriously, if there's a health problem they would just need to show CPS that there's a diagnosis and/or even just some attempt to diagnose. note that kids with serious illnesses aren't being taken from their homes left and right.)

amother

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:18 pm

ora_43 wrote:

Thanx so much, this is really great advice.
My mom and sisters are all concerned but we just don't know what to do about it. My mom did try talking to my brother and he became very defensive. He claims that he tries to give baby food and let him play but SIL gets very upset when he does that and she runs off to her mom with baby. My brother has given him bread, chicken, French fries, pasta he ate it so nicely. But when SIL finds out she gets very upset because he's a baby and he can choke on these foods!

banana123

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:55 pm

ora_43 wrote:

This isn't the child OP was talking about but a different child, an 18mo who hardly eats and is small for his/her age.

We have no other details about the child's health or how the parents are treating the child.

We have no idea if this child is being starved or if there is a combination of genes and allergies/reflux/GI issues that causes the child to be unable to eat regular food.

So jumping to suggesting CPS is a bit extreme. Assuming the parents are normal in every other way (we have no information indicating otherwise) CPS places the child more at risk than he currently is.

It's true that perhaps the child is being purposely starved. But in all likelihood there is more to this story than we, or amother navy, is aware of.

I don't know exactly how it works but I do know that if a child is chronically ill CPS can make a lot of problems that while they are solvable, running after documents to placate CPS and taking your child to all the appointments needed and providing 24/7 care, are too often mutually exclusive activities.

Could be things are different there, I don't know, but I do have a friend with a child who has a chronic condition and she and her husband had to fight several months in court to prevent their child being taken away. Luckily they had their doctor and preschool teacher on their side, but it still took several months during which the family hardly functioned. All because one nasty person decided to selectively report that the child was screamed bloody murder while being held down and given medication.

ora_43

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:57 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Has she ever talked to an expert?

Maybe your brother could suggest that they go together, so that they both know the best way to keep their kid safe? (To their pediatrician, or an org that teaches child safety, or a class on child health, etc.)

It sounds like there are some serious issues going on, but maybe hearing from an expert that noodles, bread, etc, aren't considered a choking hazard for kids this age will help.

ora_43

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 3:07 pm

banana123 wrote:

I mean, if you want to go that route, we don't know if the poster is secretly an atheist man who finds it amusing to mess with frum women.

But assuming for a minute she's not lying, she did say she's pretty sure this has to do with her SIL's own disordered eating.

It would also be beyond strange for someone to have a child who looks starved, refuse offers of food, and not so much as mention that there's a health issue.

Anyway, none of this is really the point. The point is, I mentioned CPS as one of several things that poster (and yes, I realize it's not the OP) could do rather than nothing. Because she said there was nothing she could do and so that she was just going to ignore it.

I did not say that immediately calling CPS is her best bet. Obviously if she doesn't actually know if the underfeeding is deliberate, she should look into that.

But calling CPS is still better than nothing when there's real reason to worry that the alternative is death or permanent brain damage.