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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Combating cliques in high school



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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jan 08 2020, 9:49 pm
Where we live we don't have a high school, so my daughter left home to attend hs "in town".
There are many cliques in her high school, what advice can I give to my daughter how to deal with this?
She calls some of them big snobs, to cool girls etc..
She has friends bh in school.
I'm just curious what advice on how to deal with cliques?
Tia
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 08 2020, 9:56 pm
If she has friends, then unless these cliques bother her directly, she should just be pleasant. She should ignore them if they try to antagonize her; she has her own friends.
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:00 pm
There's nothing wrong with cliques.
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amother
Linen


 

Post Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:20 pm
Don't try to combat cliques.
Don't force your way into them.
Don't allow their superiority complex to get to you; they are no better than you.
Find your friends.
Keep your friends.
Have fun with your friends.
Expand your circle of friends.
Always be friendly to everyone.
Don't forget about the academics.
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TravelHearter




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:48 pm
I was in high school just a few years ago. In my experience, the girls that ended up becoming good friends with girls in cliques were confident enough and had their own friends. Meaning, I’ve seen a lot of ‘popular’ ‘clique’ girls branching out to girls who didn’t try to get into their clique, and that were confident in a quiet way socially. Meaning they were never trying to hard etc and were happy with their own friends
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:53 pm
It's part of life while growing up, while my mom couldn't get it, as she grew up in ps with only one Jewish kid in the class, in a country that was against religion. She couldn't understand all these friendship politics when we were lucky enough to attend a Jewish school with so many Jewish friends
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jan 09 2020, 4:31 am
What if the entire grade is cliques?
What tips to give my daughter to boost her self esteem? Not to be intimidated by them?
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 09 2020, 4:40 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What if the entire grade is cliques?
What tips to give my daughter to boost her self esteem? Not to be intimidated by them?

Cliques are usually small groups of friends. If your daughter had friends then she probably has her own clique , even if it’s just two other girls.
There is nothing wrong with cliques. That’s part of highschool. I remained friendly to all girls but remained focused on my own friends who were part of a clique of 6 girls and I ended up being part of that clique. Nothing snobby. It’s just groups of friends who share friends.
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Thu, Jan 09 2020, 4:53 am
dankbar wrote:
It's part of life while growing up, while my mom couldn't get it, as she grew up in ps with only one Jewish kid in the class, in a country that was against religion. She couldn't understand all these friendship politics when we were lucky enough to attend a Jewish school with so many Jewish friends

Dankbar, I liked your post because I'm just like your mother. And now my own daughter tells me about her highschool experience, and unfortunately I can't relate. Whoever says cliques are ok - there are kids who would stop having a conversation because a girls who's not part stopped by to see what's a whole group is talking about. There are some cliques whos members ignore girls outside of it. A lot of times cliqueiness hurts kids from poorer families. Having a group of friends is different than having a clique. Cliques are not friendly by definition.
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 09 2020, 5:04 am
Cliques are not just groups of friends. Usually they are snobby and don't let others join. So while I think they're wrong as they create a bad atmosphere, I agree not to try to push into the clique and enjoy her own friends.

You can try to reinforce to your daughter that it's their loss if they can't expand their horizons beyond their little clique and that she is lucky to have good friends. The girls in the cliques are no better. I'll never forget one popular girl in my class who had this knack of being able to comfortably schmooze with EVERY one- from the class queen down to the class "nerd". That stood out in my mind as truly admirable. (And I mean genuine schmoozing. Not "chesed casing".)

If your daughter didn't have friends, then that would be a problem to talk to the school about.
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 09 2020, 8:38 am
My mom encouraged me to invite entire class for shalosh seudos & everyone loved it & then followed suit, however if my group of friends split up & I didn't want to fight & stayed friends with both sides or if I tried to reunite them, I just fell thru the cracks. When there is war, you have to be on one side, you can't take both sides.
I remember in the 7th grade when my group of friends split up & I couldn't tolerate it. When it was my turn to invite shabbos I didn't know which girls to invite because I was good with the girls from both sides & wasn't involved in the fight, I decided to invite them all & not tell one set about the other set. I figured they will have no choice & will have to make shalom. I didn't dream that girls can be so mean & never anticipated what happened next! When second set of girls arrived to my home & saw the first set, they made an about face & left. After shabbos, I was warned, either you are with us or with them! I still didn't want to take sides & lost my friends then.
I was the type who liked to be good with everyone, but yea sometimes you get controlled by the head of group & are not allowed to be friends/friendly with members outside of the group & if you go against the rules of the clique, you jeopardize your own standing & you can lose membership etc. So I remember losing my friends then as well, because I violated & started talking to everyone, because I hated those cliquey-ness!

About being friends with the nerds you sometimes risk being considered a nerd yourself.

Yes that's how silly these school politics are!

I wish everyone would be nicer & accept everyone! Oh what a world it would be!

My mom always encouraged me to look out for the girls on the sideline & not worry about my status to be on the top! I was looking to be on the top with middos not with snobbiness.
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Thu, Jan 09 2020, 8:41 am
Simple1 wrote:
Cliques are not just groups of friends. Usually they are snobby and don't let others join.

Only at that age is it considered "snobby" not to be friends with people if you don't want to.
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flowers12345




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 09 2020, 8:49 am
If she has her own friends I wouldn't say it's an issue for concern... I went to a school with a similar situation and I found that many of the girls who were part of a certain clique were really, really nice on their own but toxic when in a group. Most of them didn't have friends outside of the clique-perhaps due to the clique environment- and quite a few years later I really think it was their loss.
[Side point- in 12th grade a few clique members started to realize how the rest of the grade felt about them and felt quite bad about it in retrospect- they started an 'achdus' initiative for our grade, which most girls outside the clique could not take seriously due to the fact that the girls in the clique didn't seem to realize that they had been the whole problem. not a good feeling to realize that your grade hates you!]


Last edited by flowers12345 on Thu, Jan 09 2020, 8:53 am; edited 1 time in total
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 09 2020, 8:53 am
amother [ Mustard ] wrote:
Only at that age is it considered "snobby" not to be friends with people if you don't want to.


You could be friendly without necessarily being friends.
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:01 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Where we live we don't have a high school, so my daughter left home to attend hs "in town".
There are many cliques in her high school, what advice can I give to my daughter how to deal with this?
She calls some of them big snobs, to cool girls etc..
She has friends bh in school.
I'm just curious what advice on how to deal with cliques?
Tia


She Should ignore them, and focus on the friends she has.
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:03 am
Whats ironic is that those leaders who manipulated everyone & we were all afraid of them in school, once we graduated nobody looked their way, whereas those quieter girls were more admired & became the "person" after we finished school.
One of the quiet ones, her hub became a principal, another one's an administrator. One led all the chesed projects within our class once we graduated.
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gingertop




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:07 am
The best way to deal with them is to remain friendly with everyone and remain confident.

Trying to break up cliques is one of the destructive things that savior-mentality teachers sometimes do. They hurt the girls they are trying to help because no one wants teachers involved in their friendship on the behest of a "snitch".

If there are major problems in the class, like girls literally not speaking to people out of their clique, then perhaps a guidance counselor can work with the entire class about social skills and avodas hamiddos. But it should never be taking sides or telling girls they have to stop being friends with/start being friends with specific people.

But in general, if it's within the range of normal, the cliques are best ignored and your daughter should focus on the friendships she can cultivate and remain friendly with all.
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OOTforlife




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:13 am
amother [ Mustard ] wrote:
Only at that age is it considered "snobby" not to be friends with people if you don't want to.

If that's all it is, I don't think most people have a problem with it. "Cliques" turn into something problematic when they go beyond that.

Not always, but often enough to be a recognized problem, the clique as a group will try to control or restrict the friendships of its individual members with people outside the clique, or simply with people considered uncool.

This can result in the opposite of what you say: that kids wind up intimidated into rejecting friendships that they actually want. And the "uncool" kids lose out on potentially great friendships with kids who wanted to be friends with them.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Thu, Jan 09 2020, 6:38 pm
sending you hugs OP
Cliques can't be combatted
and
it's really tough
I feel you

signed
one who never got over not being part of 'the clique'
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 10 2020, 4:59 am
As a teacher, concentrate on finding friends (even one!) to the kid, not on breaking through cliques that will never accept in your back. if need be, the friend can be another grade.
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