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Kid's Friends - Possible Behavioral Issues

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 8:12 am
How do you view your child's classmates with a shadow in school? Would you encourage a friendship for your child if you knew the friend had a shadow for behavioral reasons? Or would you try to steer your child to "better" friends? I'm referring to early elementary when the parents still have the ability to help their kids pick friends. (1st/2nd grade). Don't know the exact specifics of why this kid needs his own para, but pretty sure there are some behavioral problems there. Kids aren't close, but other mom seems interested in having her child form a relationship with my son.
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amother




Aubergine
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 8:21 am
Let DC form his own friendships. I wouldn't block the kid unless you heard specific bad behavior, but I wouldn't push a friendship either.
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amother




Dodgerblue
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:18 am
Wow. Just wow.

I am a mother whose child will likely have a shadow next year in yeshiva. It never dawned on me that parents will shun my child because of his developmental delays. G-d, it makes me want to keep him in public school. You have NO IDEA why any child has a shadow or what their specific delays are. None. A 1st or 2nd grade child is... just a child. Their friendship isn't a marriage - can't your kindness reach to the level of a few playdates? This is so hurtful. Wow. "Better" kids, huh. Sick.
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amother




Aubergine
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:27 am
amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:
Wow. Just wow.

I am a mother whose child will likely have a shadow next year in yeshiva. It never dawned on me that parents will shun my child because of his developmental delays. G-d, it makes me want to keep him in public school. You have NO IDEA why any child has a shadow or what their specific delays are. None. A 1st or 2nd grade child is... just a child. Their friendship isn't a marriage - can't your kindness reach to the level of a few playdates? This is so hurtful. Wow. "Better" kids, huh. Sick.


OP was not shunning the child. The other mom was pushing a friendship. Don't think that public school moms are also not concerned with who their children befriend. At that age, it's monkey see monkey do.

You might be better off explaining to OP why your kid has a shadow. If the shadow is because the boy is say visually impaired, different reasoning would be employed then because the boy tantrums uncontrollably.

My friend's son was sent to school with a tutor. It had nothing to do with his behavior, it had to do with a perceived lack of abilities of his teachers. This tutor was top of the line.
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avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:32 am
Id rather my child be friends with a child that has a shadow than a child that needs one but his parents don't want to recognize it. My son has a friend and his mother writes off all the behavior. Another friend gets services and if there is an issue the mother works with the other parents.
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amother




Jade
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:37 am
I'd be open to friendship with any kid to start. At that age, I can easily tell between the kids who play nicely with my kid and overall behave reasonably OK, from those who are rude, display a lot of chutzpah, say mean things, break my kids' toys, and so on. If I see the latter consistently over a few play dates, I will not continue to invite.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 11:21 am
amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:
Wow. Just wow.

I am a mother whose child will likely have a shadow next year in yeshiva. It never dawned on me that parents will shun my child because of his developmental delays. G-d, it makes me want to keep him in public school. You have NO IDEA why any child has a shadow or what their specific delays are. None. A 1st or 2nd grade child is... just a child. Their friendship isn't a marriage - can't your kindness reach to the level of a few playdates? This is so hurtful. Wow. "Better" kids, huh. Sick.
I am OP. My son is actually the one with the shadow. He has a hard time getting playdates and I was thinking that other parents of wary because he has a 1 one a 1. Just wanted to hear other perspectives.
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amother




Sienna
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 11:35 am
If the shadow is there for reasons other than chutzpah and disruptive behavior I would share with the other parents the reason for the shadow so that they shouldn’t be wary.

To the amother who was so horrified, try to put yourself in the other parents’ shoes. I have one child who we debated sending to school with a shadow because of a physical disability. In the end Bh he doesn’t need it but I would have happily shared with any parents why the shadow is there, to head off any social issues.

On the flip side my daughter has a classmate who does not have a shadow but really needs one - her behavior is out of control and the only time my daughter ever got into trouble at school was when she sat next to this girl. One play date was enough for me to see all I had to see, and I stopped the friendship right there - my daughter is in first grade, so still easily impressionable.
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amother




Burgundy
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 11:38 am
I don't know if everyone here understands the full extent of the permanent damage that happens from shunning a child.
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flowerpower




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 11:41 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I am OP. My son is actually the one with the shadow. He has a hard time getting playdates and I was thinking that other parents of wary because he has a 1 one a 1. Just wanted to hear other perspectives.


I really wouldn’t stop my child from playing with a kid because he has a shadow. At this age most kids don’t develop a friendship yet. Arrange a playdate at your house with a neighbor or a classmate that lives close by.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 11:48 am
flowerpower wrote:
I really wouldn’t stop my child from playing with a kid because he has a shadow. At this age most kids don’t develop a friendship yet. Arrange a playdate at your house with a neighbor or a classmate that lives close by.
other parents don't respond to my request for a playdate and I was wondering if this was why. Teachers say he is doing ok socially in school. My other kids have no problem and have lots of friends.
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amother




Amber
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 11:52 am
I have a child who needed a shadow for when he was younger. He was a little behavioral, but in the silly sense. It's a long school day, and it's hard for little kids in general, let alone one with issues, to hold it together the whole time. Bh, I never had problems getting play dates, other kids generally like him, and while he's very shy and doesn't like to talk much, he's also very easy going and will pretty much go along with whatever the other kids are doing (which makes for great play dates, there was never an argument over what to play because the other kid would suggest something and he'd just be like yeah, sure).

I do understand if it's an issue of aggression or seriously emotionally disturbed behavior. At the end of the day, you have to keep your child safe, and if you don't feel a particular child is safe to be around, don't be nice at your child's expense. That said, think one, two, three times before deciding that line has been crossed. I think most of the time, the right thing to do is to be inclusive. The kids with the issues are the ones who need the kindness of being included the most. Reserve the shunning for extreme situations (where your child's emotional or physical safety would be at stake).
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 12:46 pm
Play dates can be hard to arrange, period. You might be reading too much into this.
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