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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 1:19 pm
I've been thinking about this topic in general lately, maybe after spending time with my very chassidish sisters in law, and can't help but feel that life just isn't fair. The chassidish women have it so much easier than litvish or otherwise women! They don't have to work and get to fully focus on their home, children, and families with no other distractions, stress, exhaustion. Besides that, in general, they don't carry the responsibility of the household finances such as paying bills, managing bank accounts, and taking care of all the other myriad details of running home, of which I'm fully and heavily involved in, besides working full time and all my other mother and wife responsibilities. They also live surrounded by warm family and community, all readily available and willing to help at any given time with meals, childcare, and just general support. Their families are warm and close knit and have no high expectations of women other than to be frum and ehrlich and be good mothers and wives. They take vacations in the winter to FL and in summer to country and somehow there's sufficient funding for it all, without them having to work a day in their lives!
They have time to shop, cook, clean, socialize and work out in the gym.
Why do we have it so much harder than them?? Why do I feel that my best years of motherhood have been somewhat robbed from me due to my constant other responsibilities with never a break, not in the summer or winter or any random day just to shop and enjoy life?
Besides for all this, it's not like I have any more money than them. If anything, just the opposite! They seem to have all the money in the world for buying homes, groceries, nice clothing and jewelry, strollers etc etc while I scrimp and save and deprive myself of the basics and live off tzedakah.
Can someone please explain this to me???? It's so frustrating and painful!
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amother




Wine
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 1:22 pm
Plenty of chassidish women work. It depends on the financial situation. They are less likely to get a job for non-financial reasons, but those that need the income get jobs.
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amother




Wine
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 1:24 pm
It sounds like the chassidish people you know just happen to be well off.
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amother




Amethyst
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 1:24 pm
I feel like you just know rich chassidish people:). I know some of those but some very simple ones and ones that struggle to live in a world where their friends have it all and they don’t. I know many that work as secretaries full time because they don’t go to college.

They do have a wonderful community life but also sacrifice to be a part of it (not driving etc). Just search the threads about chassidish women here.

I am jealous of the simplicity of some of their lives, married someone more chassidish and having insight to his family I see it’s not always so simple.

I rather be rich and litfish lol. Plenty of rich women doing nothing too.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 1:24 pm
amother [ Wine ] wrote:
It sounds like the chassidish people you know just happen to be well off.


They're not well off but spend like they are and don't take on any financial responsibilities.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 1:27 pm
amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:
I feel like you just know rich chassidish people:). I know some of those but some very simple ones and ones that struggle to live in a world where their friends have it all and they don’t. I know many that work as secretaries full time because they don’t go to college.

They do have a wonderful community life but also sacrifice to be a part of it (not driving etc). Just search the threads about chassidish women here.

I am jealous of the simplicity of some of their lives, married someone more chassidish and having insight to his family I see it’s not always so simple.

I rather be rich and litfish lol. Plenty of rich women doing nothing too.


Actually I'm chassidish too and don't drive and married someone more chassidish than me but live the litvish lifestyle of working bec that's how I grew up, hence my relationship and unfairness to chassidish world. I went thru infertility and waited so long to have children and feel those years were gypped from me bec of my constant responsibilities, of which I see no way out of. It's painful and exhausting and seems so unfair.
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amother




Firebrick
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 1:29 pm
The grass is always greener? Or are you frustrated with your own situation where your spouse is unemployed or underemployed (either by choice or not by choice). I can't imagine everyone Chassidish falls into that category. There are wealthier people in every community, and the women have more choices in terms of lifestyle.
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amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 1:36 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I've been thinking about this topic in general lately, maybe after spending time with my very chassidish sisters in law, and can't help but feel that life just isn't fair. The chassidish women have it so much easier than litvish or otherwise women! They don't have to work and get to fully focus on their home, children, and families with no other distractions, stress, exhaustion. Besides that, in general, they don't carry the responsibility of the household finances such as paying bills, managing bank accounts, and taking care of all the other myriad details of running home, of which I'm fully and heavily involved in, besides working full time and all my other mother and wife responsibilities. They also live surrounded by warm family and community, all readily available and willing to help at any given time with meals, childcare, and just general support. Their families are warm and close knit and have no high expectations of women other than to be frum and ehrlich and be good mothers and wives. They take vacations in the winter to FL and in summer to country and somehow there's sufficient funding for it all, without them having to work a day in their lives!
They have time to shop, cook, clean, socialize and work out in the gym.
Why do we have it so much harder than them?? Why do I feel that my best years of motherhood have been somewhat robbed from me due to my constant other responsibilities with never a break, not in the summer or winter or any random day just to shop and enjoy life?
Besides for all this, it's not like I have any more money than them. If anything, just the opposite! They seem to have all the money in the world for buying homes, groceries, nice clothing and jewelry, strollers etc etc while I scrimp and save and deprive myself of the basics and live off tzedakah.
Can someone please explain this to me???? It's so frustrating and painful!


I'm chassidish. I work. I'm definitely involved in paying the bills. My family is not necessarily more warm and close knit than yours. I haven't taken a single vacation and we don't go to the mountains. I only have time to shop online, never socialize (but I don't like to! ), never go to the gym. I definitely don't have lots of extra money to spend and try to budget.
And I am certainly not very different than all my friends and workmates.

I do know the type of people you're referring to but not everybody is like that, especially not the younger generation.
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amother




Forestgreen
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 1:46 pm
amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:
I'm chassidish. I work. I'm definitely involved in paying the bills. My family is not necessarily more warm and close knit than yours. I haven't taken a single vacation and we don't go to the mountains. I only have time to shop online, never socialize (but I don't like to! ), never go to the gym. I definitely don't have lots of extra money to spend and try to budget.
And I am certainly not very different than all my friends and workmates.

I do know the type of people you're referring to but not everybody is like that, especially not the younger generation.

Same here.
I’m chassidish: I work, I clean, I cook, I take care of bills, I take care of children. I do have babysitting and cleaning help, however it’s not enough. Barely extra money. Zero community and family support.
I do know chassidish women enjoying life as I described. I also do know litivish women like that.
There are all types everywhere!
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amother




Peach
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:04 pm
I'm chasidish and I work and most of my workmates are chasidish.
I do all the household chores and kid related chores. I cook, I clean. I run to the gym before daybreak cuz it's a priority for me. dh works very hard too. it's not unfair, it's life. do I wish we had the money for me to sit w my feet up at 11am or go for lunch every day and do extravagant vactions? yes, I do but that's not reality for most people.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:06 pm
Ok, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one! Feeling somewhat better now. But there are definitely loads of chassidish women out there living the high life and lucky them!
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:15 pm
amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:
The grass is always greener? Or are you frustrated with your own situation where your spouse is unemployed or underemployed (either by choice or not by choice). I can't imagine everyone Chassidish falls into that category. There are wealthier people in every community, and the women have more choices in terms of lifestyle.


My spouse is trying his best and of course, I wouldn't trade his work situation for anything as he's in klei kodesh as opposed to the real business world. But I'm not even referring to the wealthy chassidish businessmen bec wouldn't compare myself to those families. I'm referring to those like us where husband is either in kollel, teaching or something similar, wives don't work and they have loads of money for everything!
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:17 pm
I have yet to meet one chassidish woman 'living the high life' . Unless you're making sweeping assumptions based on chance meetings in Florida, restaurants and clothing stores.
Then again, we might have different definitions of what the high life means.


Last edited by lilies on Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:19 pm; edited 1 time in total
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thunderstorm




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:18 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My spouse is trying his best and of course, I wouldn't trade his work situation for anything as he's in klei kodesh as opposed to the real business world. But I'm not even referring to the wealthy chassidish businessmen bec wouldn't compare myself to those families. I'm referring to those like us where husband is either in kollel, teaching or something similar, wives don't work and they have loads of money for everything!

They don’t have loads of money. It’s an illusion.
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amother




Violet
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:20 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ok, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one! Feeling somewhat better now. But there are definitely loads of chassidish women out there living the high life and lucky them!


I totally understand what you mean. Every time I go to Boro Park I marvel at all the women just strolling around or sitting in restaurants. I actually feel resentment that many of them are living this lifestyle thanks to all us hardworking people's taxes.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:21 pm
thunderstorm wrote:
They don’t have loads of money. It’s an illusion.


So who is paying these bills and funding these costs???
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meyerlemon44




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:22 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ok, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one! Feeling somewhat better now. But there are definitely loads of chassidish women out there living the high life and lucky them!


I don't think this is specific to Chasidish women. You can find well off people in every sector of Jewish life, and in non-Jewish life. I think you're just idealizing their lifestyles, which is easy to do when you're on the outside. You only have to search on here to find examples of Chasidish women who work, who are in debt, who feel terrible pressure to have children or be the balabuste their community expects.

ETA it's hard to tell from your original post if you're talking about people who are BH wealthy, or who are living off of government programs. Like many on here, I would say it's not yoshar to live off of programs when you're capable of working when so many people work themselves to the bone to make ends meet and pay taxes.


Last edited by meyerlemon44 on Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:23 pm
Honeslty, you are really stereotyping chassidishe people. Yes in the chassidish world the men go to work very young, so the wife doesn't bear the burden as much, but most people are not living the pretty picture you're painting. I'm chassidish and I work, take care of financials etc. Also, most chassidish girls live in tiny apartments. So maybe they save up to go on a vacation but it doesn't mean everything is rosy.

There are plenty of litvish ladies not working also, just not the ones that made their decision to support their husband in kollel/chinuch.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:23 pm
lilies wrote:
I have yet to meet one chassidish woman 'living the high life' . Unless you're making sweeping assumptions based on chance meetings in Florida, restaurants and clothing stores.
Then again, we might have different definitions of what the high life means.


For me, living the high life means being a normal mother and wife. Being able to be home at least in the afternoon, cook fresh supper, not have the pressure and stress in the morning of rushing to work, being able to attend apptmts and make phone calls without the pressure of making up hours, being off when my kids are off erev Shabbos, erev YT, snow days, mid winter, summer, you name it, without feeling torn between taking off and being there for my children.
This is the high life, forget about extras like trips to FL, EY, and country, of which happens right and left, besides for the late night weddings of which there's no rush to go home bec all can sleep in next morning, same goes for bar mitzvahs, sheva brachos etc, of which I almost always forgo due to my very tight exhausting schedule.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jan 09 2020, 2:25 pm
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
Honeslty, you are really stereotyping chassidishe people. Yes in the chassidish world the men go to work very young, so the wife doesn't bear the burden as much, but most people are not living the pretty picture you're painting. I'm chassidish and I work, take care of financials etc. Also, most chassidish girls live in tiny apartments. So maybe they save up to go on a vacation but it doesn't mean everything is rosy.

There are plenty of litvish ladies not working also, just not the ones that made their decision to support their husband in kollel/chinuch.


In the chassidish world, you don't have women collapsing from work and childcare, trying to manage it all on their own. Even if they're working, they have so much help and support!
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