S/O Working women collapsing

qwerty4

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 4:46 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My spouse is trying his best and of course, I wouldn't trade his work situation for anything as he's in klei kodesh as opposed to the real business world. But I'm not even referring to the wealthy chassidish businessmen bec wouldn't compare myself to those families. I'm referring to those like us where husband is either in kollel, teaching or something similar, wives don't work and they have loads of money for everything!

Chassidish kollel guys have no money and are scrimping and saving to get by. Not sure where you would see otherwise.
The difference is that the average kollel time is a year or two, as opposed to the Yeshiva system. By the time a chassidish girl has her second baby her husband is usually settled into a job and she can afford to give up her own job.

Metukah

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 4:49 pm

ra_mom wrote:

It's just a culture of leaving the financials to the husband and the focus for the women to be the household.
It doesn't mean they necessary have more money. It just means they're not involved in the finances and focus on other stuff, and that looks nice on the outside.

You're in the wrong century my friend.

I'm chassidish and live in a very chassidish community. Very chassidish. As a driver and non double covering woman I'm practically an outcast (not quite, but almost). Most of the women under the age of 37 work.

My line of work is in the financial sector and I get to be involved in a large percentage of the community. I say with confidence that within my community, the financial responsibility is split equally between men and women in the younger generation. I would say the over 40s group is 70% men, 30% women. 32-40 is 60% men and 40% women and the under 32 group is probably 70% women and 30% men. I don't know if the dynamics will change in the younger group but I can't imagine these women suddenly changing completely.

The young women also work really hard, many for pitiful pay compared to the pay of a man in an equal position (particularly in chinuch).

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 4:54 pm

The truth is that women supporting their learning husband was more prevalent in prewar lita than hasidic poland or Hungary. Just not the metzias nowadays. Most people cannot manage on a single income anymore. Those that do typically have support. Im sorry it's bothering you. You should take a break. What happens when you vent to your sils directly?
Also
Dont compare your life
to anyone
You.never know the half of it
Saying its not fair wont get you anywhere
Hugs

PurpleandGold

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 5:03 pm

Hi op,

Would you like to know the real reason some women are working to the point of burn out, while other women are not burdened with supporting their families?

The answer is Beliefs - the strong beliefs we all adopted in childhood, that are so deeply embedded in our subconscious minds, we dont even realize they are driving our every choice and decision. Some women developed the belief that money is hard to come by, that earning a living is stressful and one person cannot possibly support his household, and that she will inevitably have to sacrifice many of her desires and her peace of mind to support her family financially. Other women developed the belief that money will come to them, that they will attract a man to support them while they immerse themselves in motherhood, that to be truly feminine and successful they need to concentrate solely on domestic concerns. Still other women developed the belief that they will actualize their full feminine potential as mothers and career women in positions that give them great satisfaction...it's all only beliefs...what we BELIEVE will always play out in our lives.

We are told that deep emunah is the catalyst for the creation of circumstances...the women in Mitzrayim BELIEVED so completely in the coming redemption they already had tambourines of celebration waiting...and that belief brought about their geulah.

Stop looking around at others, you've tried the victim's mentality, tried the jealousy mentality, and where has it gotten you? Still overworked and burned out! Look INSIDE...ask yourself, "What is my relationship with money? What do feel it takes to have enough money? What was my parents' relationship with money? What strong beliefs did I pick up from my home and family that I didn't even realize were penetrating when I was just a tiny child? What does my conscious mind say I "should" do to be a good enough woman? Why do I think that? What do I REALLY want?" Use pen and paper and write it all out.

Once you've solidified which beliefs you really want, talk to the little girl inside you. Tell her often what her new beliefs are. Do this for 30 days. Repeat to your inner child what it takes to have money, to be a satisfied, fulfilled woman and mother, and that Hashem is kol Yachol and can change your life in an instant. Daven for your true desires. Be brave, not a victim...see what happens....

Lots of love to you! We all have this inner journey to make in some area of life!

amother

Gray

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 7:40 pm

amother [ Black ] wrote:

I think sometimes it's helpful to stop and smell the roses throughout the day. My babies were all colicky screamers, so leaving them with someone and being able to enjoy my coffee by my desk were things that I took time to appreciate. With the exception of healthcare, most office jobs are mindful of your comfort. You have a comfy chair, you have to work on your computer, you have a set lunch break and snack break. It's the before and after that's so hard - but give yourself a coffee/snack break where you breathe in and out, yoga style, and appreciate the calm. When you come home to the chaos, you'll have had that mindfulness - that ability to just BE in the quiet. Let yourself.

I give myself little rewards for things. If I finish the turbotax form, I get those cinnamon rugalach I bought at the store that I hid from my family. If I manage to get a dinner on the table that's more than chicken nuggets and fries, well, that's its own reward because I love dinner. If I organized the whole toy room on a Sunday AND managed to do the groceries AND managed to do dinner AND cleaned up AND even davened AND did the carpools AND took my kids to an outing like the park? JACKPOT. I get to watch videos on YouTube or on Netflix on my phone and my husband has to put the kids to bed. OR I get to take a long bath with a book.

As time goes on, and your kids get older, your day will get a lot easier. Dinner and cleanup can be a group effort. You're in the trenches now, but keep those little rewards coming, and things will look up!

Amother Black, I love your attitude!
I gotta learn from you Very Happy

Mama Bear

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 8:27 pm

I only read the first page.
Basically you're chalishing to be a stay-at-home-mom. And I don't blame you.
it's very hard to be working working working your whole life and not be able to be home and enjoy your kids.
I think I've kind of figured out who you are, but no matter if I did or I didn't, I just want you to know that most ppl you see 'hanging around' going out for lunch etc. are either super young vablech who are home with 2-3 little kids and are DESPERATE for some socialization so they go out, or their kids arent letting them do a thing at home anyway so they take them out with them to shop. Theyre not doing it bc yay, free time! But bc it's to fill a need.
or theyre already middle aged and the kids are grown so they have a lot of spare time and are lonely.
The 30-45 set is very busy and harried and rarely has the time to just sit down and have a leisurely lunch. Each person you see in that age set, probably ends up doing that once a month or less and youre just seeing diff ppl every time!
Not everyone goes to Florida in the winter. Many that do, do it as a 3-4 day trip with their husbands, to get some time away from teh kids and focus on sholom bayis. not just to have a 'good time' and relax - it's important for their marriages so they find a way to make it work.
my sister works part time and has a large family. She literally is taking 2 days off from work and finding places for most of her kids (I will chip in and help too), to take this crucial breather. She's taking the cheapest flights and cheapest accommodations, bc she finds this important for her. If you want it really badly you can find a way to make it work.
Whereas I'm not interested in the least bit to go to florida.
As for the wives not having to be burdened by the finances, that's really individual to each couple and may be solely about the dynamics of your marriage and have 0 to do with chasidim.
I'm gonna read the next few pages to see what else you're upset about Smile

amother

Maroon

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 8:30 pm

Mama Bear wrote:

How could you figure out who OP is?

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:20 pm

There are certain chassidish communities where it is the norm for the men to go out to work and the women to stay home and take care of the kids. Yes, many have government programs like Fidelis/Medicaid, food stamps and section 8. School tuition is much much cheaper if you're part of a chassidus, especially Satmar. To say otherwise is laughable. This is not 'stereotyping' and 'bashing' a community, although some posters like to throw that out there. No one needs to get insulted. This is fact. Yes, I've seen this with my own eyes.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:34 pm

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

Yes, it's a fact. However, OP said her husband is a Rebbe. Since money doesn't grow on trees, and Rebbeim don't get paid enough to support a family completely on their income, there has to be some other money source.

Some people in this situation are partially supported by wealthy parents, but many are not. I personally know a few Chassidish women who's husbands are Rebbeim or in kollel and they work. Some work very, very hard.

Again, it's simple math. You can't support a family on a Rebbes salary so there has to be a second stream of income. From somewhere. Even if you're Chassidish.

Mama Bear

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:52 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

How could you figure out who OP is?

Bc a friend of mine who is here on imamother and fits the profile of all the things she has mentioned throughout this thread has complained about this very topic many times to me via email, so I'm 99.99% sure she's the one writing this thread.

The one and only thing I can say to OP is that you sound really, really burnt out. If you've been working full time for so many years, I'm fairly sure you're entitled to a week or two paid vacation a year and you really shoudl take it, even if it's a staycation to just sleep in and catch up on all the things you're dying to do.....

I do feel for you. I can't imagine having to work full time all my life. I'd be crying all day. I can't handle it. Nothing would ever get done in my house, ever. I can't start housework at 5 pm.

Also, maybe it's time to think of a different job for you. Maybe something you can do at home or with flexible hours. I know what you'll say, after XX years at this company I'd never earn the same amount with a different job.

But maybe..... maybe let go and let HaShem figure it out.

You're bashert to make a certain amount of money per year. Perhaps your husband *can* shoulder more of the burden like taking on an extra evening job or something and you can work fewer hours?

And if you can't... your job is to learn how to accept and be okay that this is your lot in life.

I've been through a lot of awful horrible things in my life that you know about, and at every juncture after clawing and crying and being jealous and mad and resentful I was told by very wise people that there are only 2 things in life: Stuff you can change, and stuff you can't. So if you can change it, do. And if you can, learn how to be okay with it.

((HUGS))

PurpleandGold

Thu, Jan 09 2020, 10:14 pm

Mama Bear wrote:

That which you resist, persists.

Let go and let God.

Every experience in life is just a sum of our beliefs, which turn to thoughts, which turn to choices.

When you've looked all around and still feel stuck, try looking UP. Daven, Ain Od Milvado. B'derech she'Adam rotzeh leilech...ask Hashem to lead you on the path of your true desire.