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Forum
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-> Simcha Section
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amother
OP
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 Thu, Jan 09 2020, 8:59 pm
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My brother is getting married. My mother (and all of us) assumed we would be going to shabbos sheva brachos. The kallahs mom is only inviting my parents and 4 single sibilings. My mother was very shocked and upset. My family lives all across the US and shabbos sheva brachos is a very nice time when whole family is together. My mother told the kallah mom that she wants all her kids there and will happily make it. Kallahs mom rejected the offer because they don’t live in same city as my parents and her elderly parents can’t travel and she wants them there. Did you ever hear of not inviting the entire chosson family to shabbos sheva brachos?
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amother
cornflower
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:01 pm
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amother
Papaya
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:02 pm
Probably they have no way to accommodate them for sleeping over on Shabbos.
I do agree their elderly parents is a valid reason to make it in their city.
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amother
Slateblue
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:02 pm
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Never heard of that! Sounds hurtful
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happy12
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:03 pm
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The kallahs side decides who to invite to the Sheva brachos. Your mother can invite everyone of your siblings to the aufruf and have a beautiful shabbos together at that time.
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amother
Slategray
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:06 pm
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My own parents weren't at my Shabbos Sheva Brachos, because they were in DHs city, a plane ride away. Everyone has to do what works for them, and in my case that's what worked for us. Can your mother make a family Shabbos out of the Aufruf instead?
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amother
Sienna
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:06 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | My brother is getting married. My mother (and all of us) assumed we would be going to shabbos sheva brachos. The kallahs mom is only inviting my parents and 4 single sibilings. My mother was very shocked and upset. My family lives all across the US and shabbos sheva brachos is a very nice time when whole family is together. My mother told the kallah mom that she wants all her kids there and will happily make it. Kallahs mom rejected the offer because they don’t live in same city as my parents and her elderly parents can’t travel and she wants them there. Did you ever hear of not inviting the entire chosson family to shabbos sheva brachos? |
Offer to chip in for costs.
It is definitely standard practice to invite siblings. Variance starts when it comes to their children.
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rising hero
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:09 pm
| amother [ cornflower ] wrote: | | Never. I'm shocked. |
I cant decide if you're being sarcastic or not.
Siblings are usually invited but it can happen that sometimes they're not. Its not shocking that there are still people making simchas within their means. Or is it?
Last edited by rising hero on Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:17 pm; edited 2 times in total
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amother
OP
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:09 pm
| happy12 wrote: | | The kallahs side decides who to invite to the Sheva brachos. Your mother can invite everyone of your siblings to the aufruf and have a beautiful shabbos together at that time. |
Yes, and that is her big plan now. Problem is that I live 11 hours from my parents and the kallah is four hours from there. That’s a whole lot of traveling....
Out of town ufrufs are usually very small because the wedding is where the kallah is and ppl can only travel so much...
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amother
Black
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:11 pm
My DHs brother is getting married soon and I was actually shocked that all of us were invited. With all the siblings, spouses and kids we are ka"h close to 50 people - that is a HUGE added expense. My MIL pressured them into inviting all of us because she too wanted a nice family shabbos. I feel like the aufruf is for the chosson's side and shabbos sheva brachos for the kallah
IMHO all these expectations on everyone's part when it comes to simchos has gotten completely out of hand.
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amother
Red
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:12 pm
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I have never heard of the chasson's siblings not being invited to shabbos sheva brachos. I'd be pretty hurt. Who else is supposed to be there if not for the chasson and kalla's siblings.
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Fox
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:18 pm
Shabbos sheva brochos is not an opportunity to stage a family reunion on someone else's dime.
Everyone complains about the cost of chassunahs, but Shabbos sheva brochos routinely adds a third of the cost of the wedding itself to the total bill.
However, it's a wonderful idea to gather extended family for a special Shabbos together. I'm sure many hotels and conference centers would be happy to offer you information on costs and available amenities.
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amother
Apricot
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:26 pm
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I didn't go to my brothers' shabbos Sheva Brachos, and I was single at the time. My parents flew out but none of the rest of us expected to go. How can you fit both sides of the families plus other guests??
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PinkFridge
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:43 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | My brother is getting married. My mother (and all of us) assumed we would be going to shabbos sheva brachos. The kallahs mom is only inviting my parents and 4 single sibilings. My mother was very shocked and upset. My family lives all across the US and shabbos sheva brachos is a very nice time when whole family is together. My mother told the kallah mom that she wants all her kids there and will happily make it. Kallahs mom rejected the offer because they don’t live in same city as my parents and her elderly parents can’t travel and she wants them there. Did you ever hear of not inviting the entire chosson family to shabbos sheva brachos? |
Can you unpack this?
There is A, where the kallah's family lives; B, where the grandparents live; C, where the chasuna is; and D, where your family lives.
Are the grandparents able to come to the chasuna?
Is the chasuna being held in the kallah's hometown? Or where the grandparents live? Is this the only chance for the grandparents to participate in the simcha?
B"H, our families are becoming much, much bigger. And so are our simchos. Shabbos sheva brachos is a big undertaking, expense and logistics. In some communities, Shabbos sheva brachos are davka made and organized by friends, relieving the parents. But when the parents are responsible for EVERYTHING, we have to respect their being able to say, ad cahn and no further.
Now IF the chasuna is say, a Thursday night, and family is coming in for the chasuna, it's often a given that Shabbos sheva brachos will include the out of towners. At the least, invite them for one meal or dessert. But
A. I don't know enough to know if they're being and
B. even if they are, it's important to be as gracious as possible for the relationship between the inlaw and the chosson and kallah. As disappionting a situation as this might turn out to be, take the high road.
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amother
Bronze
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 9:51 pm
I agree with posters saying not to have expectations for the sheva brachos on someonelse dime. Its ridiculous how ppl. Say "ppl make expensive simcha and then dont pay tuition or making expensive simcha are setting a bad example and pressure for poorer ppl....etc
Yet, here, the kallahs side is making the sheva brachos within their means, and having all the siblings and kids...etc of the chasen can double or triple....the price. Food is expensive plus not everyone can find accommodations for families with children...etc
I think you should just enjoy this time as it is a simcha and drop the expectations!! With all these expectations, people forget to stop and appreciate that their children are getting married (and many singles are still hoping)....so many families fighting when it should be a time of happiness....let the kallahs family decide the shabbos sheva brachos and chasans side decide the aufruf...
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amother
OP
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 10:00 pm
| PinkFridge wrote: | Can you unpack this?
There is A, where the kallah's family lives; B, where the grandparents live; C, where the chasuna is; and D, where your family lives.
Are the grandparents able to come to the chasuna?
Is the chasuna being held in the kallah's hometown? Or where the grandparents live? Is this the only chance for the grandparents to participate in the simcha?
B"H, our families are becoming much, much bigger. And so are our simchos. Shabbos sheva brachos is a big undertaking, expense and logistics. In some communities, Shabbos sheva brachos are davka made and organized by friends, relieving the parents. But when the parents are responsible for EVERYTHING, we have to respect their being able to say, ad cahn and no further.
Now IF the chasuna is say, a Thursday night, and family is coming in for the chasuna, it's often a given that Shabbos sheva brachos will include the out of towners. At the least, invite them for one meal or dessert. But
A. I don't know enough to know if they're being and
B. even if they are, it's important to be as gracious as possible for the relationship between the inlaw and the chosson and kallah. As disappionting a situation as this might turn out to be, take the high road. |
The kallah, her grandparents, the wedding and shabbos are all in the same city. My parents live in a different city. I don’t live in either city and neither do a few of my sibilings and we can only travel to one city so a big ufruf is not an option.
My mother originally asked for a Thursday wedding but the kallah mom said no she doesn’t want to force ppl to stay for shabbos. My mom figured some of her kids will be able to stay and some just can’t take off so much work. Then the kallah mom was more clear and said only the single sibilings are invited. My brother is flying in with his family from Israel and his in laws live in same city as the kallah. My brother and his wife are invited to one meal but both their three kids.
As far as I’m aware everyone is getting along just fine making this Simcha. Was just wondering if this was more common or not?
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amother
Papaya
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 10:03 pm
The kallah's mom probably used that as an excuse so she didn't have to come right out and say, I can't afford it.
Understandably disappointing, but what else should she do? Borrow money? Tell your parents to chip in?
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amother
Amber
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 10:06 pm
| amother [ Papaya ] wrote: | The kallah's mom probably used that as an excuse so she didn't have to come right out and say, I can't afford it.
Understandably disappointing, but what else should she do? Borrow money? Tell your parents to chip in? |
It sounds like, since her parents were happy to make the entire shabbos, they would be happy to chip in.
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amother
Papaya
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 10:07 pm
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Understandably, it is embarrassing to ask.
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amother
Goldenrod
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Thu, Jan 09 2020, 10:09 pm
maybe would your mother offer to pay for those extra couples and kids its a very big expense she is ashamed to tell that this is the reason for not inviting you all of your sibling....
also please understand to find places for familys were to stay for shobbas is also a big hastle
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